Uh-oh...

[Polly Sue]

Just finished my consultation a couple hours ago, and I was kind of surprised at the outcome. Even though I know my symptoms have been pointing to PTSD, I was hoping that she would say what a lot of people on here have been telling me, that what I have is some type of anxiety disorder instead of PTSD, but she said I scored off the charts for two of the categories (4/5, 5/5, and 2/5, though not in that order and I can't remember which one matched which of the three groups). One of her first questions was whether I've been through some type of ongoing abuse, or a one time thing, and I said, nothing sexual or physical; I had an abusive teacher. And right away she said, "Yep, that'll do it." And when I told her that I was 14 at the time, she cringed, because it's such a young age where your mind is still developing. Even if it was for a 50 minute class period every day for one school year, she said that'll do it. She said that when you get put into a situation where an authority figure who you're supposed to be able to trust, bullies you, even if they never raise their voice, then your mind reacts the same way it would as if you were being assaulted or raped, and you lose your sense of safety. She also asked about what triggered it after these years, and how even the slightest thing can suddenly click in someone's memory, and their mind acts like they're in danger all over again. She talked about how she specializes in CBT therapy and talk therapy, and how a lot of her clients like it, and how it might work for me since I'm a writer. She said if I'm not interested in that, then she can always refer me to one of the other psychologists she knows, that specialize in rapid eye movement techniques and other things. She seemed to really understand and she was easy to talk to. I felt comfortable in her office. She also said that she has 12 clients who are bully victims.

I left there in kind of a daze and had kind of a long drive. My concentration is rather poor right now, so that probably wasn't the safest thing. Then I went to Wal Mart, which was weird. I forgot a couple of the things on my list and I was kind of in a daze there, too, and in Wal Mart you're always having to watch where you're going because it's so crowded and apologizing for running into people.

When I got home I was hopeful, but now I can't stop picturing that classroom with those ugly bright lights and I'm feeling humiliation even though there's nothing to be humiliated about. In fact I think I'd rather be scared or depressed than humiliated. Writing about those details is going to be hard, but hopefully talking about them with her will help.

 

[joeylittle]

She talked about how she specializes in CBT therapy and talk therapy, and how a lot of her clients like it, and how it might work for me since I'm a writer. She said if I'm not interested in that, then she can always refer me to one of the other psychologists she knows, that specialize in rapid eye movement techniques and other things. She seemed to really understand and she was easy to talk to. I felt comfortable in her office. She also said that she has 12 clients who are bully victims.

Well, this part sounds really great - if she does a lot of work with bully victims, that might be very helpful for you.

She said that when you get put into a situation where an authority figure who you're supposed to be able to trust, bullies you, even if they never raise their voice, then your mind reacts the same way it would as if you were being assaulted or raped

She is welcome to her interpretation. And ultimately, the goal is getting help - have you thought about starting a trauma diary here? It can be a good place to work on getting your story put down somewhere.

I wish you the best on your journey.

 

[Polly Sue]

I pretty much did that in my intro. I really don't like going into details.

It's just not fair though. Not to sound narcissistic (believe me, I'm anything but confident or proud of who I am right now) but I have so much potential, and now I feel like I just won't be able to do the things I love anymore. I'm such a gifted fiction writer, and my dream has always been to be an author. This past year when I was doing wonderfully I wrote an entire rough draft to a (what I would call brilliant) novel and planned on getting it published once I got the final draft typed out. Well, I didn't even get halfway through the final draft when these symptoms flared up again and now my concentration level is shot. Who can think about characters' emotions when they can't even control their own? It's still my dream to have a novel published (this one, even) but I can't continue with it until I can connect myself to the here and now.

Normally I love sitting down in front of the TV and watching one of my favorite shows, laughing at my favorite comedies... Normally I'm such a happy and positive person with so much life and energy. Now I can't even care or focus on whatever little everyday thing people on the TV are talking about without worrying about something.

Normally I would be acing all my classes right now and focused on my homework and getting compliments from teachers, but I'm falling behind because I just can't concentrate in class.

My parents see me as this beautiful young independent woman who could easily be having boyfriends and finding her future husband... Little do they know that I have a potentially life changing mental illness.
Guys look at me and notice me, and I had finally gotten to a point in my life where I was confident for the first time after feeling so insecure for a lot of my teenage years.

I've excelled in my past two jobs and have good references, people that I would consider friends...

I moved into what I thought was my dream apartment, ready to start the new school year off and really study what I love doing...

My Intro. to Fiction class sounds so interesting, full of people with the same interests as me, who want to be creative writers, but now I can't relate to any of that. I see no future for myself.

It's really not fair.

Sorry, not to sound pessimistic. I do have some hope that I'll feel like myself again.

 

[joeylittle]

It's just not fair though. Not to sound narcissistic (believe me, I'm anything but confident or proud of who I am right now) but I have so much potential, and now I feel like I just won't be able to do the things I love anymore. I'm such a gifted fiction writer, and my dream has always been to be an author.... Normally I'm such a happy and positive person with so much life and energy. My parents see me as this beautiful young independent woman who could easily be having boyfriends and finding her future husband... Little do they know that I have a potentially life changing mental illness...It's really not fair.

I'm going to get blunt, because you seem to be ok with blunt.

If you are able to still see that you have great potential, and still believe in your gifts - then you can aim towards those, put your shoulder down, do some serious therapy, and probably get this under control lickety-split.

No, it's not fair. Life isn't. We keep walking forwards anyway. If you are going to just give in to your symptoms and feel tragic, you won't get better. If you get to work, do the CBT work in your trauma diary here or elsewhere, and learn how to manage your mind, you'll conquer your symptoms.

Sounds like you think a mental illness is the end of the world. It's not.

 

[Polly Sue]

I can handle the memories as long as there's no emotional attachment to them and I'm not disconnected with reality. I just wanna be fully aware of my surroundings. All I know is that I've come out of these dissociation phases or whatever they're called a couple times in the past, and I can only hope that I do again.

I will do the CBT, and hopefully it works. I know. I do have hope, but my emotions have been all over the place. Just a little while ago I got done running and felt pretty good, like I would sit down and watch a new DVD I bought (something I would normally enjoy doing), only to realize that I can't fully concentrate or care about any of the dialogue. It'll be like that. I'll be hopeful, feel great, then just get to worrying.

 

[Suzetig]

While I understand the need for some kind of diagnoses to ensure you get access to treatment, the problem is that people often then find themselves "living up to" the label they're given. By that I mean they look for worst case scenario for the particular diagnoses and look for all those symptoms in their own experience, which actually slows down recovery. If you look on this forum there are many, many people who have very successful lives, who function well and are able to manage their illness with appropriate support and treatment. There are equally many people who struggle a great deal.

You've talked about all the things you've got going for you, your school, dream apartment, good work record etc. they're all still there. Yes you need support to cope with your experiences, many people with PTSD do, as do many who don't have PTSD. Try to stop thinking about the label, think instead about the experiences you have that are troublesome and address these in therapy, there are strategies you can use to help your focus and concentration, to help you maintain education and achieve your potential. Be careful about ascribing fairly normal thoughts and feelings to PTSD - people do feel hopeless from time to time, they do lack concentration or find it hard to keep going. Your therapist should help you work out what feelings are just life and what you have that is more symptomatic of a trauma response.

 

[Polly Sue]

Woohoo. I just worked some on my novel for the first time in days. It's 1:30 am and usually I can't write so late at night because my brain turns to mush. But it actually worked, and I was able to focus, which is surprising, since I had just spent about 4 hours of watching TV and being able to concentrate on like one thing at a time.

 

[Suzetig]

Good for you, well done. It might be worth now thinking about what worked for you in terms of being able to focus so well and also to recognise that sometimes it's just not going to happen for no reason other than we can't be "on" all the time. I'm pleased you were able to get some work done and also have some down time in front of the TV.

 

[Polly Sue]

Well, it was my first night of being diagnosed (by one person anyway) with ptsd, and thinking about what that meant, and I think I finally came to peace with it and was even glad that someone had determined what all my symptoms were meaning. Also, not that I had any real control over this, but for the first time in about two weeks I really started to come out of feeling distanced from the present time and scared about the future and that was really encouraging to me. I was in a really good mood last night and was actually able to engage in the show I was watching and laughed quite a bit. I went to bed around 4 and woke up today after only a couple hours of sleep feeling a little iffy, and maybe disappointed that my good mood was gone, but I'm feeling hopeful for myself and I'm in a somewhat good mood right now.

 

[bell]

If you have it, you have it. So, if you have it, you have two choices, fight it or let it eat you alive. I chose to fight it, which a lot of us do, because it's worth it.

It put me through the ringer for a long time after 30+ undiagnosed years with it and I still get triggered and have bad spells, but I worked full time and just finished my 2nd book while going through treatment, too.

You can do whatever the eff you want to do. There is no ceiling. Yes, people will tell you there is, but in my opinion, you can set out to do whatever you want and do it. Yes, people go back and forth about varying functional levels, but I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 37, so I never let it stop me because I seriously thought that everyone was dealing with the same crap, too, and saw that they were carrying on, so I just fought like hell and had months where all I could do was get to work before coming home and sleeping because work and life took so much energy.

My social life is a bit nil as I'm doing book stuff, but I get great experiences through the books themselves, so it's a trade off I chose to make. Self care is the most important thing to do, so make that a priority above all else and your creative work second.

The diagnosis sucks, but it is not a full-on road block. Use it to make yourself more compassionate and caring and deep and open. Your characters will follow, you will connect more openly and honestly with more people, and will be stronger (not weaker) because of it.

And yes, there are setbacks. A lot at the beginning. But they are setbacks, not impasses; use them to learn more, feel more, and heal more and down the road, you will be proud of yourself for doing so.

 

[Chava]

I'd also caution against believing anything like "I have this-or-this disorder, so I no longer have power over my life" or anything similar. It's pretty common for young adults to struggle with the transition between having dreams for their lives and entering the adult place of making those dreams reality. It's easy to just want to give up for a while, and can even be relieving to find a reason to throw in the towel. I'd also caution, as others have, against ascribing any negative thought or feeling to ptsd. Flashbacks and not being able to pull out of negative thoughts or feelings aren't the same thing. The negative beliefs and feelings, as well as concentration and presence difficulties could also be connected to depression/anxiety or the overwhelm of being a young adult, especially if you feel like you don't have the right support, resources, or even the right goals sometimes. It can be hard to piece out. But CBT (as well as things like mindfulness) can be really helpful for self-defeating beliefs, whatever their cause. My trauma symptoms are more physiological (less about thoughts), but I know when I'm generally stressed I can get sucked into negative beliefs and ruminating over stuff.

I did okay finishing a degree, following a couple chosen dreams, and finding a career I like. I don't do a wonderful job of balancing my life or stress levels. Hopefully your therapist can help you work with the negative or fatalistic thoughts, the anxiety in your current view of your life, and maybe how to break down goals and take action you can feel good about. Sometimes the feeling of believing we have potential but are powerless is actually more self-soothing than the scary fact of trying to take action towards meeting our goals, or the fear of failing or not actually meeting the potential we dream about. Hopefully through therapy you can learn more about your inner resources and the power you have to direct your life. Feeling more positive right now could be connected to feeling like you have support or someone on your side. Hopefully your therapist can help you find tools to move forward. Good luck.

 

[Chava]

even if they never raise their voice, then your mind reacts the same way it would as if you were being assaulted or raped, and you lose your sense of safety.

p.s. I do believe in such a thing as psychological or mental safety, but sorry I personally don't believe this statement and it even makes me sort of mad. Not saying being bullied or humiliated isn't horrible and damaging, but it isn't in the same bodily fight-flight category (autonomic nervous system stuff) as like having to be still or you'll die, or having an authority put their hand down your pants.

Just curious, did you take like a full diagnostic test to rule out other options or just whip through a ptsd checklist? If you were only assessed via ptsd checklist, it seems like a sort of unfair intake. It should take a therapist some time to get to know you and understand your symptoms and history, and if necessary, broad diagnostic tools. More than 30 minutes or checklists. I think this is true especially when the definitions are a little fuzzy. Personally, I don't care about a diagnosis unless that route can somehow empower me, not disempower me. Therapy is more about getting tools than a diagnosis, though an accurate diagnosis can help determine which tools to use.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh. This isn't meant to minimize anyone's experience. I just I felt like I should speak to that quoted bit because I don't understand how that's a responsible statement for a therapist to make. Just my opinion. But that's not to say she can't help some symptoms, hopefully, and make use of some of the resources of CBT in your life.