Relationship "unable To Love"?

[Aalexya]

Romantic love is just the release of the hormone Oxytocin... Oxytocin is created in the HPA axis (...

It's not about me wanting to hear a particular answer. Id much prefer harsh truth and facts over what people think i want to hear. So thank you again. Your medical explanation is actually helpful. I'm just wondering if this is something perhaps he would know about? Or if it'd be a good idea to kinda mention that part to him, to perhaps calm his mind in his thinking of not being sure if he is able to love? Idk.

It's hard. I go between wanting to just be comfy to talk about whatever, to understanding I can't always say just anything, especially during a ptsd struggle, so as not to trigger or upset or push him away. Although this is the first time I'm experiencing what I believe to be one of his Ptsd struggles so I'm back and forth and unsure on what I should/shouldn't do.

 

[Aalexya]

The love of my life and I have been dating for 3 years and he too has PTSD. He isolates and it's hurtfu...

Ride or die. That's how to do it when you truly love someone. I'm kind of in the same emotional state as you explained, about just wanting to talk about my feelings and get it out, but I know I just shouldn't do that, at least right now, because he's obviously experiencing something that's throwing him off. Just hard to have to keep it all in when all ya wanna do is communicate and freely express. So it's a battle to be fought within because I just wanna do what's best for him during this time..while also aware that I need an outlet as well..just wishing it could be with him. But understandably not right now.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Seeking I have a similar situation in the sense that if I get insecure and that comes out in front of my vet that's the moment I trigger a 'break-up' ... we have never officially committed but that's the moment I get the speech 'I can't give you what you want, date someone whos not mentally Ill, I don't get close to people' .... I know he bloody well likes me otherwise we still wouldn't be speaking every day. It just equates to him not being able to cope with or process or reassure me when I have a wobbler so to speak. However what this has made me do is work on myself, I've always had insecurity troubles and I'm not sure why, so now I work on putting them in a box and not over-thinking everything!!

When there stress levels rocket (both bad and good stress) then the natural reaction is withdrawal, they need to compartmentalize there life and deal with stuff a bit at a time. Think of it like an underwear drawer, it's all neatly laid out in compartments then over time we shove stuff back in their and it all becomes a jumbles mess of tights, underwear and socks!! You have to take some time out to remove everything and then put everything back in where it's meant to be. Then the process starts again. The best thing you can do for a sufferer is just give them space while they sort their sock drawer out and when it's done they will come around and you can treasure those moments :)

 

[Virtues]

I'm just wondering if this is something perhaps he would know about? Or if it'd be a good idea to kinda mention that part to him, to perhaps calm his mind in his thinking of not being sure if he is able to love?

Maybe you could wait until he brings it up. The next time he tells you "...I'm not able to love..." you could tell him "...well you know there's a medical explanation for why..."

I'm married and have 3 girls and I love all of them. I am still sexual with my wife, and we still have a healthy relationship, granted it is different since the PTSD, but we make due. There is more to love than that "head over heels" feeling you get from the Oxytocin release. I am ferociously loyal. I am dedicated. I put my family first. Both my wife and I sacrifice for the needs of the other. We are best friends. There is just so much more when it comes to fulfillment. I think this is perhaps where you two need to start.

 

[Aalexya]

@Seeking I have a similar situation in the sense that if I get insecure and that c...

@Newtoptsd
That's a really great illustration!

We as well are not in a legit relationship as of yet, but are intimate and exclusive. So this is all very new to me but I'm not scared of it. Just makes me wanna be there in any way I can for him, which I know is limited and dependent on what he wants and can handle. But just as you said, it has been helping me work on areas of my life that I've always struggled with. Patience. Being all the more understanding. Working on not making assumptions (although this is a tough one because I struggle with trust so it's rly pushing me there).

 

[Aalexya]

Maybe you could wait until he brings it up. The next time he tells you "...I'm not able to love......

That's good advice. I'll do that and wait for him to bring it up so I don't overwhelm him.
And I wholeheartedly agree....while the head over heels feeling is quite amazing to experience, that aspect always fades over time anyway with comfort levels and whatnot. So it's definitely more about just being there for each other, understanding to the best of one's ability, loyalty, support. Etc.

However, going back to the adrenaline part...I'm curious...does sex offer this type of adrenaline that vets usually seek? Or is that far from what they are searching for?

Also, does it help them feel like they can be vulnerable during that intimate time since their used to having to be in constant control of things for their safety and all? (Hope I'm explaining that we'll and with no offenses taken)

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Newtoptsd
That's a really great illustration!

We as well are not in a legit rela...

This is the exact same situation as myself, we are intimate and I guess we are exclusive even though I can't really talk about that with him I know he isn't seeing anyone else (I don't think - that's my insecure part coming out). However, I am nearing 6 months and I have learnt so much in these 6 months and you will never know everything. I would advise taking @Florian7051 advice on the research part of things. I'm on my 3rd Sebastian Junger book, I've read books on PTSD, PTSD relationships, I've watched the film Restrepo so I can see a little of what my vet has been through. Sebastian Junger's book 'War' gives you first hand insight into a platoon in the most dangerous area in Afgan called the Korengal Valley ... this isn't for everyone but it really opened by eyes and above all was a great read!!

When he has these moments of withdrawal just take the time to do some reading. There are a lot of supporters who bash out on here wanting answers, no-one has a crystal ball, we can't tell you if someone will come back or not! What everyone really needs to do is educate themselves a bit more and take that time to do that, so if and when they do resume contact etc. we will be a little better prepared to handle certain situations!!

Sending hugs :hug:

 

[Virtues]

does sex offer this type of adrenaline that vets usually seek? Or is that far from what they are searching for?

Also, does it help them feel like they can be vulnerable during that intimate time since their used to having to be in constant control of things for their safety and all? (Hope I'm explaining that we'll and with no offenses taken)

No offense taken at all... Promiscuous sex can give that adrenaline rush especially when the vet maintains a dominating role in the relationship. However the relationship he has with you is probably not like that at all. He is probably not chasing an adrenaline high.

The answer is much simpler. It feels good. It's really that simple. Also for men if we don't engage in sex for an extended period of time our man parts actually start to hurt; it becomes quite painful. It's caused by the build up of fluid in the testicles by prolonged sexual arousal without ejaculation. Now we can either take care of ourselves to get rid of the pain through masturbation, or have sex with our partner. Obviously he likes and cares about you and wants to share with you an intimate sexual experience. If he is able to do this, this is a tremendously good sign. Some combat vets come back from war and are unable to become sexually aroused, and rely on medication to aid them.

I don't think sex necessarily equates to vulnerability to answer the second part of your question. I hope that helps, and doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable.

 

[Aalexya]

No offense taken at all... Promiscuous sex can give that adrenaline rush especially when the vet ma...

Not uncomfortable whatsoever. I thrive on deep conversations with details. Which is an aspect that makes the non communication part of ptsd a bit difficult for me, challanging at that. But he is very much worth the patience. He just doesn't feel highly of himself or worthy.

Often says he thinks he's destined to be alone.

I value your responses greatly. All of you.

Is there any insight you have in regards to why he can accept my touch easily but cannot touch in return?

 

[Marmukome]

I've been seeing a man for 3 weeks now that has combat PTSD. He told me this from date one. I've been...

I will briefly throw in my two cents here... I have had PTSD for years and not been aware of it. Denial and fear create an incidious avenue for bad behavior when it comes to loving. (For me.) I have denied my anger for years but have subtly turned it into hurting others in ways that weren't obvious to me until now. I am really beating myself up for this now because I've lost so many chances for letting love in and have probably seemed cruel to some I've been close to. I closed the door and pushed people away. I now have a "ruptured" PTSD and am so scared of everything, I wonder if I'll ever get anywhere with this.

 

[Friday]

Am I reading right that it's been 3 weeks?

 

[Aalexya]

Am I reading right that it's been 3 weeks?

Yes, correct.