Don't trip
Confident
I'm really struggling right now..
This last weekend, I was exposed to a Narcissists smear campaign in the form of my son's boyfriend. He was staying with us for awhile, until he could get work. He told me he was diagnosed Narcissist already, but I gave the benefit of the doubt (BIG MISTAKE) because it was my son's choice in partners.
While he was here, he was abusive to my dog. He would do things, that at first I thought were not intentional, however, when I continued to tell him to STOP, he continued and it escalated to the point where this last weekend, he raged at me. I yelled back at him as he had my dog in his arms and my dog was flailing about, wanting to be free. He has a serious back issue and one wrong move could mean paralysis for him (my dog). If you are a pet lover, it won't be hard to understand that to me, pets are like family. I have had this dog for eight years and have put out hundreds in vet bills and tons of love, given and returned unconditionally. He has been worth every penny to me.
After this 'rage' attack, he took my son for a walk, as my son was very upset as well and had told him to put the dog down. When they got back my son put something on his facebook indicating that Mr. Wonderful (the bf) was going to leave. I responded to this in anger because I knew what the BF was doing. He had already been planning to leave my son, unbeknownst to him, but information I had because he sat his butt here all day talking to his friends and family 'back home' where he grew up. I figured it was none of my business so I did not inform my son about what was going on. Anyway, seeing my son's thread, I was instantly angry that this jerk was hurting my child. I know, I know...
So I said, "Really? Over a dog? How convenient!" My daughter responded, "quite obviously this is NOT about the dog". That's all that was said. The next day, bf told me he had read the thread and had responded to it (he was being very nice), and I said fine, I'll read it shortly and we were chatting about various things, etc. I get on the computer and started to read...OMG...I came completely unglued. On that thread he called me 'emotionally abusive' and then proceeded to exploit by sharing all of my behaviors and how my son's were 'too afraid' to tell me what was wrong. It was BAD, BAD stuff, exposed to hundreds on his friend's list. I looked at him standing there as I read this and said, "Emotionally abusive, REALLY BF???" He began to RAGE at me again, telling me I was abusive to my son's and that HE is hurt watching THEM get hurt, and he just couldn't take it anymore. Disordered ones are fantabulous as taking a seed of truth and twisting it into something that benefits them. The height of exploitive behavior. Overlooking his DIAGNOSIS as a narcissist, I shared with him, during sharing of personal life stories, my PTSD and past abuse. Big mistake...
When I read that, I felt catapulted back into my trauma. He knew I would react and it was bait. He knew. I didn't stop to think about it at all. I just continued to react. I felt extremely frightened, very betrayed (by my sons) lied too, etc. I threw him out of my house.
This is exactly what he wanted. It gave him the justification he wanted, to go back home, so he didn't have to have to balls to tell my son what he was doing and why. He used me to exploit, to justify his own shady and shitty behavior. I have upset my son's greatly, because they had NO idea what was going on. My son's bf didn't bother to call him and tell him that he was out and why, but on Facebook he kept saying how he was crying all the way there and would even consider coming back but that things needed to change. I told him to f*ck off. I knew what he was doing and when his friend picked him up, he was OVERJOYED. He had no guilt, remorse or anything towards me. He had the same look on his face that all of my abusers have had: Completely satisfaction at having caused pain.
That has not happened to me in two years. I've had some minor 'fender benders' with my PTSD, but nothing like this because I have not been exposed to abuse. In retrospect, all of his behaviors make sense to me. I should have listened to that intuitive voice that said, "DON'T do it, DON"t let him stay'.
UGH!
I'm ashamed of my behavior too. I immediately believed all this little narc told me and had written about my son's thinking this way about me. I knew the bf was writing stuff to my kids behind my back and I suspected there was a remote tracker on my computer. I hacked into my son's fb and found messages from this little prick that were bordering on emotionally dangerous in nature, telling my son to pack his things, stay safe and that I was 'determined' to abandon them. OMG...I could not believe it. I copied and pasted this message and sent it to the bf and warned him that if he contacts my son or me again, I will be contacting the authorities, as well as about the tracker on my computer. And I would do it too.
My son told him to STOP sending messages to me or my other son. So far, nothing else.
I told my son the truth about hacking into his fb. I freaked out on them in telling them that they needed to come to ME if they felt this way. My son that was targeted with the messages, started to cry. He was so confused he had NO idea what was going on, never having seen the messages. My other son, said nothing. I was so angry, then completely despairing, all in an hour of intensity deriving from the past 48 at that point of further threats and stalking by this individual. It was a replica of the abuse I had taken.
I apologized to my son's, but the trust, for me, and for them was damaged. I HATE the my son's were hurt, but both for differing reasons.
My son is choosing to stay involved with this asshole, overlooking everything he's done. The asshole is now in another town, 'flowering' his FAKE feelings and speech with my son in how he's going to get a job and save up money to move back here. He's full of SHIAT! My son is being used as a 'utility' until this jerk can find someone else. I have NO DOUBT. He is due to go for his first visit with him in two weeks. I hope and pray, not for my son's pain, but that this jerk shows his true colors on his own turf and that my son will see it. I know he will be hurt. This part of it KILLS me, but I can't control it.
It's amazing the damage a disordered one can do in an extremely short period of time.
I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I've been struggling with my weaknesses that are beginning to really come to the surface. I'm finding that I go into overwhelm very easily with others around and I do so with authority figures as well. I feel like I have to be 'fake' and cannot be myself while trying to adjust to what I think others want me to be. I see this direct line to my childhood abuse.
There is alot more, but this particular trigger showed me how far I have to go in recovery, that I might need to accept weaknesses and limitations that I did not want too before, but become obvious, even when I deny them, as I decompensate. It doesn't matter what situation.
Right now, I'm in 'hiding" i do not want to venture out, even though I went to the store with my son yesterday. I'm depressed, confused and got a nasty introduction into how PTSD can affect you when you least expect it.
I feel incredibly alone. MY son's try to understand PTSD, but they don't live it. I live in constant fear of exploitation. I have been exploited all of my life, from childhood in a myriad of ways. I have made remarkable improvements the last two years, and now I sit here feeling as if I did nothing at all except to deny I have limitations. I don't know how to handle those limitations, as I have them with my health too.
I filed for Social Security Income, but I don't think I'll get it because I can move, function and go to the store or to do laundry. But when it comes to going to my doctor, specialists, work, dealing with anyone viewed as authority, I either react defensively or fold like a lawn chair.
This is VERY, VERY, VERY frustrating for me. It's embarrassing, shameful and extremely upsetting.
I feel almost new to this now. I strive for perfection, to overcome this crap. I'm pissed off because I see others who get beyond it, or at least make it to management and I've pontificated over and over about how I'm able to do the same, only to realize it ain't THAT easy, is it?
I don't know what to do. I have no income now, as my youngest son moved out and my state grant given due to my disability is over. I'm going to voc rehab, but I face this new dilemma as well as surgery in may. MY disability claim isn't going to happen for a very long time, if ever.
I don't know how to survive. This isnt' like me. I had not stopped long enough to think about any limitations except BRIEFLY and only as a stumbling block, but ignoring them or pretending they don't affect me I've realized, is totally self defeating. I wanted to get past the mental health 'stigma' of PTSD. There is no way i could work or see a doctor or anything else without telling them I have it because of my triggers.
Any suggestions, advice, comfort, feedback? I'm really scared now.
This last weekend, I was exposed to a Narcissists smear campaign in the form of my son's boyfriend. He was staying with us for awhile, until he could get work. He told me he was diagnosed Narcissist already, but I gave the benefit of the doubt (BIG MISTAKE) because it was my son's choice in partners.
While he was here, he was abusive to my dog. He would do things, that at first I thought were not intentional, however, when I continued to tell him to STOP, he continued and it escalated to the point where this last weekend, he raged at me. I yelled back at him as he had my dog in his arms and my dog was flailing about, wanting to be free. He has a serious back issue and one wrong move could mean paralysis for him (my dog). If you are a pet lover, it won't be hard to understand that to me, pets are like family. I have had this dog for eight years and have put out hundreds in vet bills and tons of love, given and returned unconditionally. He has been worth every penny to me.
After this 'rage' attack, he took my son for a walk, as my son was very upset as well and had told him to put the dog down. When they got back my son put something on his facebook indicating that Mr. Wonderful (the bf) was going to leave. I responded to this in anger because I knew what the BF was doing. He had already been planning to leave my son, unbeknownst to him, but information I had because he sat his butt here all day talking to his friends and family 'back home' where he grew up. I figured it was none of my business so I did not inform my son about what was going on. Anyway, seeing my son's thread, I was instantly angry that this jerk was hurting my child. I know, I know...
So I said, "Really? Over a dog? How convenient!" My daughter responded, "quite obviously this is NOT about the dog". That's all that was said. The next day, bf told me he had read the thread and had responded to it (he was being very nice), and I said fine, I'll read it shortly and we were chatting about various things, etc. I get on the computer and started to read...OMG...I came completely unglued. On that thread he called me 'emotionally abusive' and then proceeded to exploit by sharing all of my behaviors and how my son's were 'too afraid' to tell me what was wrong. It was BAD, BAD stuff, exposed to hundreds on his friend's list. I looked at him standing there as I read this and said, "Emotionally abusive, REALLY BF???" He began to RAGE at me again, telling me I was abusive to my son's and that HE is hurt watching THEM get hurt, and he just couldn't take it anymore. Disordered ones are fantabulous as taking a seed of truth and twisting it into something that benefits them. The height of exploitive behavior. Overlooking his DIAGNOSIS as a narcissist, I shared with him, during sharing of personal life stories, my PTSD and past abuse. Big mistake...
When I read that, I felt catapulted back into my trauma. He knew I would react and it was bait. He knew. I didn't stop to think about it at all. I just continued to react. I felt extremely frightened, very betrayed (by my sons) lied too, etc. I threw him out of my house.
This is exactly what he wanted. It gave him the justification he wanted, to go back home, so he didn't have to have to balls to tell my son what he was doing and why. He used me to exploit, to justify his own shady and shitty behavior. I have upset my son's greatly, because they had NO idea what was going on. My son's bf didn't bother to call him and tell him that he was out and why, but on Facebook he kept saying how he was crying all the way there and would even consider coming back but that things needed to change. I told him to f*ck off. I knew what he was doing and when his friend picked him up, he was OVERJOYED. He had no guilt, remorse or anything towards me. He had the same look on his face that all of my abusers have had: Completely satisfaction at having caused pain.
That has not happened to me in two years. I've had some minor 'fender benders' with my PTSD, but nothing like this because I have not been exposed to abuse. In retrospect, all of his behaviors make sense to me. I should have listened to that intuitive voice that said, "DON'T do it, DON"t let him stay'.
UGH!
I'm ashamed of my behavior too. I immediately believed all this little narc told me and had written about my son's thinking this way about me. I knew the bf was writing stuff to my kids behind my back and I suspected there was a remote tracker on my computer. I hacked into my son's fb and found messages from this little prick that were bordering on emotionally dangerous in nature, telling my son to pack his things, stay safe and that I was 'determined' to abandon them. OMG...I could not believe it. I copied and pasted this message and sent it to the bf and warned him that if he contacts my son or me again, I will be contacting the authorities, as well as about the tracker on my computer. And I would do it too.
My son told him to STOP sending messages to me or my other son. So far, nothing else.
I told my son the truth about hacking into his fb. I freaked out on them in telling them that they needed to come to ME if they felt this way. My son that was targeted with the messages, started to cry. He was so confused he had NO idea what was going on, never having seen the messages. My other son, said nothing. I was so angry, then completely despairing, all in an hour of intensity deriving from the past 48 at that point of further threats and stalking by this individual. It was a replica of the abuse I had taken.
I apologized to my son's, but the trust, for me, and for them was damaged. I HATE the my son's were hurt, but both for differing reasons.
My son is choosing to stay involved with this asshole, overlooking everything he's done. The asshole is now in another town, 'flowering' his FAKE feelings and speech with my son in how he's going to get a job and save up money to move back here. He's full of SHIAT! My son is being used as a 'utility' until this jerk can find someone else. I have NO DOUBT. He is due to go for his first visit with him in two weeks. I hope and pray, not for my son's pain, but that this jerk shows his true colors on his own turf and that my son will see it. I know he will be hurt. This part of it KILLS me, but I can't control it.
It's amazing the damage a disordered one can do in an extremely short period of time.
I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I've been struggling with my weaknesses that are beginning to really come to the surface. I'm finding that I go into overwhelm very easily with others around and I do so with authority figures as well. I feel like I have to be 'fake' and cannot be myself while trying to adjust to what I think others want me to be. I see this direct line to my childhood abuse.
There is alot more, but this particular trigger showed me how far I have to go in recovery, that I might need to accept weaknesses and limitations that I did not want too before, but become obvious, even when I deny them, as I decompensate. It doesn't matter what situation.
Right now, I'm in 'hiding" i do not want to venture out, even though I went to the store with my son yesterday. I'm depressed, confused and got a nasty introduction into how PTSD can affect you when you least expect it.
I feel incredibly alone. MY son's try to understand PTSD, but they don't live it. I live in constant fear of exploitation. I have been exploited all of my life, from childhood in a myriad of ways. I have made remarkable improvements the last two years, and now I sit here feeling as if I did nothing at all except to deny I have limitations. I don't know how to handle those limitations, as I have them with my health too.
I filed for Social Security Income, but I don't think I'll get it because I can move, function and go to the store or to do laundry. But when it comes to going to my doctor, specialists, work, dealing with anyone viewed as authority, I either react defensively or fold like a lawn chair.
This is VERY, VERY, VERY frustrating for me. It's embarrassing, shameful and extremely upsetting.
I feel almost new to this now. I strive for perfection, to overcome this crap. I'm pissed off because I see others who get beyond it, or at least make it to management and I've pontificated over and over about how I'm able to do the same, only to realize it ain't THAT easy, is it?
I don't know what to do. I have no income now, as my youngest son moved out and my state grant given due to my disability is over. I'm going to voc rehab, but I face this new dilemma as well as surgery in may. MY disability claim isn't going to happen for a very long time, if ever.
I don't know how to survive. This isnt' like me. I had not stopped long enough to think about any limitations except BRIEFLY and only as a stumbling block, but ignoring them or pretending they don't affect me I've realized, is totally self defeating. I wanted to get past the mental health 'stigma' of PTSD. There is no way i could work or see a doctor or anything else without telling them I have it because of my triggers.
Any suggestions, advice, comfort, feedback? I'm really scared now.