D
Deleted member 47246
Hello,
I'm new to posting here but have gained a lot of useful insight from reading this forum for a while.
The short version of my story: I met a just retired (like a week) military guy 6 years ago. He was the sweetest, kindest most gentle man I'd ever met. We became close friends which evolved into a relationship. However, we lived far apart (had been at a course for the summer). We remained very close despite doing the long distance thing.
He started drinking. Heavily. He was clearly in trouble and I asked if he thought he could have PTSD. He thought not. His military career, although it involved deployments, was - in his words - spent at 30,000 feet above the action (tanker pilot). The drinking continued to get worse, to the point of blackouts and eventually ER admission.
At this point, he invited another woman back into his life. She is much older and he has always claimed "just a friend". We had met before and she made no bones about the fact that she hated me and wanted me gone. She was, in fact, ruthless about it. She is a very controlling, manipulative woman and had (even according to other friends) seen how happy he was with me and wanted it stopped. This is the person he chose to turn to....she ended up living in his house to "ensure his safety" (despite the fact her own house was 10 mins away). As the years rolled by, he pushed me further and further away. With her living in his house I obviously could no longer visit (its my belief that was her rationale for being there) and he was by now too ill to visit me. Despite her outrageous behaviour - and I mean verging on psychotic - he preferred her around. His own mother was threatened with being "cut off" when she shared her concern about this woman with him.
He began the "disappearances" - we went from talking for an hour or two each day to suddenly nothing. Not a word. No response to messages etc. I was frantic. And it began a total nightmare for me - where he would disappear and I would end up a total mess even going to far as checking obits to ensure he hadn't died.
Eventually he sought help through the VA and had a couple of male therapists. He didn't seem to get much out of that. He was still drinking with regular ER visits and a couple of stints in the psych ward. He flatly refused rehab.
After his therapist was deployed he ended up with a female therapist. He's been seeing her for a couple of years now. Not long after he started to see her, he pretty much cut me off altogether. He would not answer any form of communication and I would grow ever more distressed. And I mean he would remain silent for weeks and months. On a couple of occasions he would respond but even when my intention was just to chat and see how he was doing - or talk about neutral subjects - it would always end up in a blazing fight. When we had been spending all our time together early on (the first year) we never, ever fought. This was tearing me apart. He continually threatened to "cut me off". He was verbally, pyschologically and emotionally abusive. I couldn't comprehend what had happened to that man I once knew.
Late last year, I had a conference call with him and his therapist at his suggestion. Prior to that I sent her a 10 page letter outlining all that had happened from my perspective (which he knew I was doing). Her response to me after reading it was "that's intense". But she was very, very cold towards me and I had the distinct feeling that she really didn't give a damn. She told me I was most likely suffering from secondary PTSD due to the trauma of the whole thing. She didn't seem to register the degree of cruelty that he had inflicted. I don't believe that PTSD is an excuse for abuse. We agreed that in future he would respond to my enquiries about his safety and in return I would no jump to any conclusions. She informed me that it was her that had suggested he have nothing to do with me after an argument earlier in the year. What she didn't appear to know about that argument was that he got upset with me - and screamed at me that I was selfish - because I had asked him to please call me if he was thinking about ending his life (which had been in play). I was selfish because I didn't want him to die - and also because I didn't want my father to die who happened to be extremely ill in hospital. Obviously I was already upset about that and he knew it - which is why he went for the jugular.
Things settled down and I just left him to it. I would occasionally send an email to check in - more often than not it went unanswered. I tried calling in May this year (7 months after our last conversation) and he was rude and blew me off with a 1 minute conversation.
Meanwhile, I would see him posting on FB about his new house (back in the place we had first met) and inviting friends he had not seen in years to come and visit him during summer. When I indicated to him that it was hurtful to see that when he refused to speak to me - and constantly said the reason for that was because he "shut everyone out" - he would become enraged. He simply refused to discuss the matter. He didn't care that my already bruised an battered heart and psyche was hanging by a thread. Simply. Did. Not. Care.
This past week was both our birthdays and I sent him the first communication since May - a one line happy birthday email. No response. Followed up with a short voicemail on the actual day. No response. Didn't hear from him on my birthday. The saw a post on FB that he had spent his birthday with "great friends".
I messaged him and asked why he did that? Why did he ignore me - the person who had been through hell with him - and then tell the world what great friends he has? These are people who were nowhere to be seen during this nightmare. He lied again and said I was making assumptions that weren't true - that he didn't have any friends. And that he "wouldn't do this" with me. I felt like I was going insane.
A few more messages went back and forth and he just became more angry as did I. And then he told me that I should, basically, think myself lucky because his therapist had told him that he shouldn't even read my emails and should terminate the friendship. (although what friendship he's referring to I don't know....I can't remember the last time he showed the slightest amount of friendship towards me).
He said this to shut me down - knowing that I suffer from a fear of abandonment (I believe I have developed C-PTSD through all of this - I certainly suffer all of the symptoms). He also said it to make me feel like I'm the crazy one....as in...."see, even my therapist thinks you're crazy".
I sent an email to his therapist suggesting that she should perhaps consider that there are two sides to every story but she has not bothered to respond. I also pointed out to her that she doesn't seem to have spoken to him at all about his outright abuse - and that he was using her opinion as just another weapon against me. In fact during the conference call I specifically asked her about that and her response was simply that I would have to suck it up or leave.
I feel like I've become the punching bag. That in looking around for someone or something to blame I'm the convenient target. Its like he has ganged up with his therapist to annihilate me. How on earth can you resolve any problems if you can't even be heard? He, of course, loves this therapist because she managed to somehow convince the military that his PTSD is service related and he now gets a LOT of money from them. Enough to buy a luxury home. She enables him completely. As does the woman still living in his house.
I suspect that in addition to PTSD, he is, in fact, a narcissist. He seems incredibly adept at manipulating women and when he first mentioned he was switching to a female therapist I had concerns (which I did not mention). He has no male friends - all his friends are women - most of them much older than him.
I'm considering reporting the therapist to the VA because to me her behaviour doesn't seem to be particularly ethical. I have been torn apart by all of this. I had also moved away from my former home to be closer to him (but I am still in Canada) so I have no support network. I have become a virtual recluse because and cannot hold down a job - I find it overwhelming. I cannot afford any therapy. So I feel that my life has been destroyed and both he and his therapist simply see me as collateral damage. He, in fact, told me as much once - that his therapist didn't care about me - he was her only concern.
I am certainly not perfect and he definitely knows how to trigger me. But I do know that I loved him deeply and tried constantly to help him however I could. When all of this started to kick off I was the only person in his life. And although it was draining to be around someone who was drunk all day, I stayed and tried to help him. I would go and visit as often as I could. But he doesn't seem to acknowledge any of that. He's told me that even my gifts to him - which I've spent a lot of time and consideration in choosing - were worthless and not nearly as valuable to him as a rock his mother sent him. This is the sort of hurtful stuff he has said. He's called me names ("pathetic" being the one that hurt the most) and on at least two occasions physically intimidated me. After one of those incidents he then accused me of being a liar because I had once told him I would not put up with abuse....and yet here I was.
I've decided to treat him from here on out as the narcissist he appears to be. No contact. But I am still struggling with the way the therapist has acted. I have a long road of healing ahead.
Some may wonder why I hung on....I wonder that too. My guess is trauma bonding. But I also thought that once he started in therapy he would gain back some semblance of the man I once knew - the man who had been my best friend (I've not, incidentally, ever had a friend I was that close to - even before it became something more - we could talk about anything). But, if anything, since this therapist he has become colder, more dishonest and appears to have discarded me without much thought at all.
Thanks for listening.
I'm new to posting here but have gained a lot of useful insight from reading this forum for a while.
The short version of my story: I met a just retired (like a week) military guy 6 years ago. He was the sweetest, kindest most gentle man I'd ever met. We became close friends which evolved into a relationship. However, we lived far apart (had been at a course for the summer). We remained very close despite doing the long distance thing.
He started drinking. Heavily. He was clearly in trouble and I asked if he thought he could have PTSD. He thought not. His military career, although it involved deployments, was - in his words - spent at 30,000 feet above the action (tanker pilot). The drinking continued to get worse, to the point of blackouts and eventually ER admission.
At this point, he invited another woman back into his life. She is much older and he has always claimed "just a friend". We had met before and she made no bones about the fact that she hated me and wanted me gone. She was, in fact, ruthless about it. She is a very controlling, manipulative woman and had (even according to other friends) seen how happy he was with me and wanted it stopped. This is the person he chose to turn to....she ended up living in his house to "ensure his safety" (despite the fact her own house was 10 mins away). As the years rolled by, he pushed me further and further away. With her living in his house I obviously could no longer visit (its my belief that was her rationale for being there) and he was by now too ill to visit me. Despite her outrageous behaviour - and I mean verging on psychotic - he preferred her around. His own mother was threatened with being "cut off" when she shared her concern about this woman with him.
He began the "disappearances" - we went from talking for an hour or two each day to suddenly nothing. Not a word. No response to messages etc. I was frantic. And it began a total nightmare for me - where he would disappear and I would end up a total mess even going to far as checking obits to ensure he hadn't died.
Eventually he sought help through the VA and had a couple of male therapists. He didn't seem to get much out of that. He was still drinking with regular ER visits and a couple of stints in the psych ward. He flatly refused rehab.
After his therapist was deployed he ended up with a female therapist. He's been seeing her for a couple of years now. Not long after he started to see her, he pretty much cut me off altogether. He would not answer any form of communication and I would grow ever more distressed. And I mean he would remain silent for weeks and months. On a couple of occasions he would respond but even when my intention was just to chat and see how he was doing - or talk about neutral subjects - it would always end up in a blazing fight. When we had been spending all our time together early on (the first year) we never, ever fought. This was tearing me apart. He continually threatened to "cut me off". He was verbally, pyschologically and emotionally abusive. I couldn't comprehend what had happened to that man I once knew.
Late last year, I had a conference call with him and his therapist at his suggestion. Prior to that I sent her a 10 page letter outlining all that had happened from my perspective (which he knew I was doing). Her response to me after reading it was "that's intense". But she was very, very cold towards me and I had the distinct feeling that she really didn't give a damn. She told me I was most likely suffering from secondary PTSD due to the trauma of the whole thing. She didn't seem to register the degree of cruelty that he had inflicted. I don't believe that PTSD is an excuse for abuse. We agreed that in future he would respond to my enquiries about his safety and in return I would no jump to any conclusions. She informed me that it was her that had suggested he have nothing to do with me after an argument earlier in the year. What she didn't appear to know about that argument was that he got upset with me - and screamed at me that I was selfish - because I had asked him to please call me if he was thinking about ending his life (which had been in play). I was selfish because I didn't want him to die - and also because I didn't want my father to die who happened to be extremely ill in hospital. Obviously I was already upset about that and he knew it - which is why he went for the jugular.
Things settled down and I just left him to it. I would occasionally send an email to check in - more often than not it went unanswered. I tried calling in May this year (7 months after our last conversation) and he was rude and blew me off with a 1 minute conversation.
Meanwhile, I would see him posting on FB about his new house (back in the place we had first met) and inviting friends he had not seen in years to come and visit him during summer. When I indicated to him that it was hurtful to see that when he refused to speak to me - and constantly said the reason for that was because he "shut everyone out" - he would become enraged. He simply refused to discuss the matter. He didn't care that my already bruised an battered heart and psyche was hanging by a thread. Simply. Did. Not. Care.
This past week was both our birthdays and I sent him the first communication since May - a one line happy birthday email. No response. Followed up with a short voicemail on the actual day. No response. Didn't hear from him on my birthday. The saw a post on FB that he had spent his birthday with "great friends".
I messaged him and asked why he did that? Why did he ignore me - the person who had been through hell with him - and then tell the world what great friends he has? These are people who were nowhere to be seen during this nightmare. He lied again and said I was making assumptions that weren't true - that he didn't have any friends. And that he "wouldn't do this" with me. I felt like I was going insane.
A few more messages went back and forth and he just became more angry as did I. And then he told me that I should, basically, think myself lucky because his therapist had told him that he shouldn't even read my emails and should terminate the friendship. (although what friendship he's referring to I don't know....I can't remember the last time he showed the slightest amount of friendship towards me).
He said this to shut me down - knowing that I suffer from a fear of abandonment (I believe I have developed C-PTSD through all of this - I certainly suffer all of the symptoms). He also said it to make me feel like I'm the crazy one....as in...."see, even my therapist thinks you're crazy".
I sent an email to his therapist suggesting that she should perhaps consider that there are two sides to every story but she has not bothered to respond. I also pointed out to her that she doesn't seem to have spoken to him at all about his outright abuse - and that he was using her opinion as just another weapon against me. In fact during the conference call I specifically asked her about that and her response was simply that I would have to suck it up or leave.
I feel like I've become the punching bag. That in looking around for someone or something to blame I'm the convenient target. Its like he has ganged up with his therapist to annihilate me. How on earth can you resolve any problems if you can't even be heard? He, of course, loves this therapist because she managed to somehow convince the military that his PTSD is service related and he now gets a LOT of money from them. Enough to buy a luxury home. She enables him completely. As does the woman still living in his house.
I suspect that in addition to PTSD, he is, in fact, a narcissist. He seems incredibly adept at manipulating women and when he first mentioned he was switching to a female therapist I had concerns (which I did not mention). He has no male friends - all his friends are women - most of them much older than him.
I'm considering reporting the therapist to the VA because to me her behaviour doesn't seem to be particularly ethical. I have been torn apart by all of this. I had also moved away from my former home to be closer to him (but I am still in Canada) so I have no support network. I have become a virtual recluse because and cannot hold down a job - I find it overwhelming. I cannot afford any therapy. So I feel that my life has been destroyed and both he and his therapist simply see me as collateral damage. He, in fact, told me as much once - that his therapist didn't care about me - he was her only concern.
I am certainly not perfect and he definitely knows how to trigger me. But I do know that I loved him deeply and tried constantly to help him however I could. When all of this started to kick off I was the only person in his life. And although it was draining to be around someone who was drunk all day, I stayed and tried to help him. I would go and visit as often as I could. But he doesn't seem to acknowledge any of that. He's told me that even my gifts to him - which I've spent a lot of time and consideration in choosing - were worthless and not nearly as valuable to him as a rock his mother sent him. This is the sort of hurtful stuff he has said. He's called me names ("pathetic" being the one that hurt the most) and on at least two occasions physically intimidated me. After one of those incidents he then accused me of being a liar because I had once told him I would not put up with abuse....and yet here I was.
I've decided to treat him from here on out as the narcissist he appears to be. No contact. But I am still struggling with the way the therapist has acted. I have a long road of healing ahead.
Some may wonder why I hung on....I wonder that too. My guess is trauma bonding. But I also thought that once he started in therapy he would gain back some semblance of the man I once knew - the man who had been my best friend (I've not, incidentally, ever had a friend I was that close to - even before it became something more - we could talk about anything). But, if anything, since this therapist he has become colder, more dishonest and appears to have discarded me without much thought at all.
Thanks for listening.
