Sufferer Unknown

[solaria flare]

I have been diagnosed and am on disabled with PTSD. I have self mutilated since I was 8. I disassociate and since I can remember I'm extremely hypersexual. My only reality is that I was like this because I had a really abusive childhood but it never really explained all my weird behaviors. Last month before my 29th birthday I had to 302 myself because I tried to kill myself because my boyfriend didn't have sex with me for half a day. In my deluded mind, sex equates love. I also have many suicide attempts under my belt and the lack of control I have over my emotional state And the physical stuff that comes with it is overwhelming. I feel like I don't even have control over my wants and needs. Something triggered me in the hospital and I realized that most likely my parents or someone very close to me sodomized me for years as a child. I thought I was just some nut case done for the rest of my life. I have found this website out of desperation and don't know what else to do. I don't feel like myself I don't feel like anyone. I feel so ashamed and nasty and I'm so anxious to release these repressed memories so maybe I can function as a normal member of society. Any suggestions for the proper care for help besides a psychiatrist and therapist?

 

[desiderata310]

Well that's a good start: a therapist who specializes in TRAUMA
Consider talking to a therapist about going into a residential treatment center or an outpatient treatment center that will help you learn DBT is one option. This will help you with self-regulation. (to stop the self mutilation and suicidal impulses)
In the meanwhile check out the vault here on the website to learn more. There's a wealth of information there and keep asking question.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @solaria flare - glad you found us here.

Seconding what desi says, above: trauma therapist. And many times, doing a residential program is a great way to just get really focused on giving yourself some basic skills, so you get a solid start on therapy in general. It can also be helpful for starting meds, if you go that way.

 

[intothelight]

@solaria flare Welcome and I hope you find this site helpful.

 

[DarkSideOfTheSoul]

@solaria flare Welcome :)

 

[SabrinaB]

Welcome! Sounds like you already possess a fair degree of self awareness, which is a critical skill for the journey you are on. One suggestion is to build from this strength with a focused mindfulness practices. As mentioned previously aspects of this are incorporated into DBT skills. If you wanted to explore an aspect of this on your own I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now.

An additional suggestion is to focus on physical grounding through walking, daily outdoors in nature if possible. Your reliance on sex may be a form of coping through escape. Over time these methods of shutting out your body and mind can become maladaptive and end up creating more problems instead of helping.

Yoga combined mindfulness with body awareness which is another option.

Saying a prayer for you. You have a challenging path ahead but you will find a way through this and will be stronger for it. Turn to and lean on others here who can relate to your struggles.