Unstable environment, feeling helpless

[Calmdown]

I don't even know where to start.
Given the circumstances I can manage everything well. But the people around me can be a real burden and it hurts me to say this.
I already set more boundaries, the post is more about how that insecure environment affects me.

My father is an alcoholic. I blocked him 2 years ago on whatsapp because he writes so many dumb messages when he is drunk, like hundreds of messages. Parents seperated when I was 3 years old. I had no contact to him until I was 16. He never fully took on his role as a father. I like him and we get along well but he is not someone I rely on. He has cancer, treatment works well but he still drinks alcohol.

My mother was emotionally unstable, I often was afraid of her and she often would explode, yelling like forever, telling me that she would send me to a childrens home etc.
We have a sort of truce agreement, so we understand each other, but I don’t allow any closeness. She calls several times a week an we meet every week or two.

My best friend has ADHD and PTSD. When we first met it was great because we were able to be ourselves around each other. But most of the time I have been in the helper role. Now I feel like I'm just that. I'm not a real person but have a role to fulfill.

I don't expect much. From my parents I just don't want additional stress and issues, which I told my mother several times the last months. I don't need or want any help from them and they could not help me anyways. But that is already too much too ask for.

Lately when there were important issues for me all of these people would add an extra burden to me. At the same time outwardly my parents act like they would be the ones supporting me, so to add to this neediness there is also a narcissistic component.
Days before a clinic stay that was important but also very stressful to me my mother made a scene when other people where around and she left in tears. It is always about making me feel guilty. She also can't cope with it if I create distance.

I had an important appointment yesterday, I expected a very difficult discussion and just the day before my father wrote to me "A father misses his son". It made me furious. I had so much stress lately and he can call at any time but instead acts like an infant and gives me all the responsibility. I manage to cope with everything and get in the right state for that appointment and they push me back to that depressive helpless state.
The morning before the appointment my best friend called, she wished me good luck etc. but then talked about her issues, just like 20 minutes before I needed to go. I felt helpless and it weighed heavily on me and pulled me out of that positive, fighting mindset again.

I have the role of the adult in these relationships, I don't do what I want but what I (think I) have to do. They don't see their own responsibility and burden me with all of their issues.
I already try to distance myself but that exactly brings new problems.
It is so complicated and I wish I could explain it shorter and in a better way. There is also another very important aspect: I don't need their support but I need to feel safe. If my surroundings are so unstable it makes me feel helpless.
I need to keep away any feelings of helplessness. This might also be one of the reasons why I do so much for others, I need them to be stable. Especially with my best friend this is difficult (I never realized until now that I'm a ptsd supporter). I always try to find solutions, this keeps me alive but she suffers from learned helplessness, so even if we find solutions she always acts like everything is meaningless anyways.
I recognize many problems years in advance, but she still ignores me and when the problem finally becomes acute, it suddenly becomes all that matters. She shows me that she needs help but at the same time, despite knowing very well that this is a strength of me she ignores anything that could be helpful in advance.

There is nothing I can rely on and this destabilizes me. I can't really put it into words.

 

[Calmdown]

I forgot something important. My best friend has a big part in why I got triggered and why I'm here on this forum. My father also played a role because he was so self centered and burdened me additionally in a very stressful time just before I was triggered. There is more. Interesting how all of that comes to the surface now. I tend to suppress it.

 

[Movingforward10]

That is incredibly draining, disappointing, invalidating over and over and over and over again.

My family is slightly different but the impact is the same. In that: they have no space or ability to give me any emotional support at all. They make it about themselves, like your family does. You are not the focus.
And sadly, you never will be.

Whilst you can tell them over and over again what behaviour you want from them. They show you overr and over again they can't do that behaviour.

Someone on here taught me that boundaries are not how we want others to behave differently but what we do. So now, rather than telling my mum she needs to behave better. I say "unless you can consider me, this will be the state of our relationship" (i.e not much of one.).

Removing myself a bit from my family has helped massively. And removing the guilt about me being responsible for their well being.
Maybe you can show kindness to yourself and remove them a bit from important things to you? Like clinic stays (that sounded horrendous that she left like that! And made it all about her).

I'm sorry you have family (and a friend) like this.

 

[parrotthepolly]

It's important to tell your friend that she shouldn't trauma dump so much because unless she's told that it might seem okay to her due to the shared diagnosis which can make some people seem like there's someone who'll 'get it' but it's okay if it's too much to bare but I'm usually (not always) ok with hearing certain people talk although hardly know how to provide solutions.

 

[Asatantrosa]

When your friend traumadumps on you She’s kind of transfering her anxiety to you as a way of coping instead of feeling her feelings. And sometimes that’s ok, if you feel regulated and stable you can take that on. But it seems to be a regular theme in your life that you feel like it’s your purpose to do this for others despite of your own state of mind or needs and that it feels really hard to say no. I understand this, my own mother acts just like this, everything is about her and when you grow up with a person like this you are kind of ”groomed” in to being their feelings-handler and forced to be the grown up. And now you are doing the same thing for your friend because it’s a role you are familliar with. How can you make boundaries for yourself, it’s really hard. I thought out something i say when i get in to this situation which is: i’m hearing that you are upset and really need to talk but i can’t help you with that right now because i need to stay focused and take care of myself” and then i suggest a different time we can talk about it so they don’t feel totally abandoned. That’s my very diplomatic middle way of doing it. You could also just set really rigid boundaries and start saying no and remember, it’s actually ok to just say no. You’re not their parent!

 

[Susan Jane]

I don't even know where to start.
Given the circumstances I can manage everything well. But the people around me can be a real burden and it hurts me to say this.
I already set more boundaries, the post is more about how that insecure environment affects me.

My father is an alcoholic. I blocked him 2 years ago on whatsapp because he writes so many dumb messages when he is drunk, like hundreds of messages. Parents seperated when I was 3 years old. I had no contact to him until I was 16. He never fully took on his role as a father. I like him and we get along well but he is not someone I rely on. He has cancer, treatment works well but he still drinks alcohol.

My mother was emotionally unstable, I often was afraid of her and she often would explode, yelling like forever, telling me that she would send me to a childrens home etc.
We have a sort of truce agreement, so we understand each other, but I don’t allow any closeness. She calls several times a week an we meet every week or two.

My best friend has ADHD and PTSD. When we first met it was great because we were able to be ourselves around each other. But most of the time I have been in the helper role. Now I feel like I'm just that. I'm not a real person but have a role to fulfill.

I don't expect much. From my parents I just don't want additional stress and issues, which I told my mother several times the last months. I don't need or want any help from them and they could not help me anyways. But that is already too much too ask for.

Lately when there were important issues for me all of these people would add an extra burden to me. At the same time outwardly my parents act like they would be the ones supporting me, so to add to this neediness there is also a narcissistic component.
Days before a clinic stay that was important but also very stressful to me my mother made a scene when other people where around and she left in tears. It is always about making me feel guilty. She also can't cope with it if I create distance.

I had an important appointment yesterday, I expected a very difficult discussion and just the day before my father wrote to me "A father misses his son". It made me furious. I had so much stress lately and he can call at any time but instead acts like an infant and gives me all the responsibility. I manage to cope with everything and get in the right state for that appointment and they push me back to that depressive helpless state.
The morning before the appointment my best friend called, she wished me good luck etc. but then talked about her issues, just like 20 minutes before I needed to go. I felt helpless and it weighed heavily on me and pulled me out of that positive, fighting mindset again.

I have the role of the adult in these relationships, I don't do what I want but what I (think I) have to do. They don't see their own responsibility and burden me with all of their issues.
I already try to distance myself but that exactly brings new problems.
It is so complicated and I wish I could explain it shorter and in a better way. There is also another very important aspect: I don't need their support but I need to feel safe. If my surroundings are so unstable it makes me feel helpless.
I need to keep away any feelings of helplessness. This might also be one of the reasons why I do so much for others, I need them to be stable. Especially with my best friend this is difficult (I never realized until now that I'm a ptsd supporter). I always try to find solutions, this keeps me alive but she suffers from learned helplessness, so even if we find solutions she always acts like everything is meaningless anyways.
I recognize many problems years in advance, but she still ignores me and when the problem finally becomes acute, it suddenly becomes all that matters. She shows me that she needs help but at the same time, despite knowing very well that this is a strength of me she ignores anything that could be helpful in advance.

There is nothing I can rely on and this destabilizes me. I can't really put it into words.

Your mom sounds like mine (mine died in 2023). Unfortunately I had to cut contact in 2002 with her. I couldn’t deal with her anymore and just gave birth to my son. She started the same shit with him… He got to much attention and she made sure to make herself the center of attention through crying at a party thrown in his honor age 15 months. I snapped and realized I couldn’t let her damage my son. I never saw her again and yes it is sad but being HER mother and HER lifeline was too much. She emotionally abused me and abandoned me at 10.

Why am I saying this? Save yourself is my motto, I still suffered my symptoms but it allowed me to raise my child and try and restart a very emotionally damaged family.

Caregiving was one of my biggest symptoms. Be there, be nice and someone might appreciate it and love me. It never worked I just attracted more narcissists. Fast forward to now still dealing with my PTSD but without people who destabilize me. I am having a hard enough time without them … I needed to save myself and it is finally starting to work in my favor. Blood is not thicker than water. You cannot choose your family but you can choose your friends. It is effin’ hard I know… baby steps. Solidarity

 

[PamelaS]

I don't even know where to start.
Given the circumstances I can manage everything well. But the people around me can be a real burden and it hurts me to say this.
I already set more boundaries, the post is more about how that insecure environment affects me.

My father is an alcoholic. I blocked him 2 years ago on whatsapp because he writes so many dumb messages when he is drunk, like hundreds of messages. Parents seperated when I was 3 years old. I had no contact to him until I was 16. He never fully took on his role as a father. I like him and we get along well but he is not someone I rely on. He has cancer, treatment works well but he still drinks alcohol.

My mother was emotionally unstable, I often was afraid of her and she often would explode, yelling like forever, telling me that she would send me to a childrens home etc.
We have a sort of truce agreement, so we understand each other, but I don’t allow any closeness. She calls several times a week an we meet every week or two.

My best friend has ADHD and PTSD. When we first met it was great because we were able to be ourselves around each other. But most of the time I have been in the helper role. Now I feel like I'm just that. I'm not a real person but have a role to fulfill.

I don't expect much. From my parents I just don't want additional stress and issues, which I told my mother several times the last months. I don't need or want any help from them and they could not help me anyways. But that is already too much too ask for.

Lately when there were important issues for me all of these people would add an extra burden to me. At the same time outwardly my parents act like they would be the ones supporting me, so to add to this neediness there is also a narcissistic component.
Days before a clinic stay that was important but also very stressful to me my mother made a scene when other people where around and she left in tears. It is always about making me feel guilty. She also can't cope with it if I create distance.

I had an important appointment yesterday, I expected a very difficult discussion and just the day before my father wrote to me "A father misses his son". It made me furious. I had so much stress lately and he can call at any time but instead acts like an infant and gives me all the responsibility. I manage to cope with everything and get in the right state for that appointment and they push me back to that depressive helpless state.
The morning before the appointment my best friend called, she wished me good luck etc. but then talked about her issues, just like 20 minutes before I needed to go. I felt helpless and it weighed heavily on me and pulled me out of that positive, fighting mindset again.

I have the role of the adult in these relationships, I don't do what I want but what I (think I) have to do. They don't see their own responsibility and burden me with all of their issues.
I already try to distance myself but that exactly brings new problems.
It is so complicated and I wish I could explain it shorter and in a better way. There is also another very important aspect: I don't need their support but I need to feel safe. If my surroundings are so unstable it makes me feel helpless.
I need to keep away any feelings of helplessness. This might also be one of the reasons why I do so much for others, I need them to be stable. Especially with my best friend this is difficult (I never realized until now that I'm a ptsd supporter). I always try to find solutions, this keeps me alive but she suffers from learned helplessness, so even if we find solutions she always acts like everything is meaningless anyways.
I recognize many problems years in advance, but she still ignores me and when the problem finally becomes acute, it suddenly becomes all that matters. She shows me that she needs help but at the same time, despite knowing very well that this is a strength of me she ignores anything that could be helpful in advance.

There is nothing I can rely on and this destabilizes me. I can't really put it into words.

Sorry for the situation that you are in and have been in for a long time. I appreciate the feedback for you here, and I agree that you need to speak up for yourself and the boundaries have to be protecting you. It doesn’t appear that your boundaries are protecting you. For example, a boundary could be at the next time your friend trauma dumps on you, that you walk away for now until you are stabilized. Of course it is necessary to communicate that ahead of time. Someone mentioned communicating with your friend about how it affects you when she does that. She needs to understand that what she is doing is affecting you, and the only way that can be done is for you to tell her. As far as your parents are concerned, I would not even engage with them. Just receiving a letter triggers you. Once again, a boundary must be presented ahead of time before it is acted up upon. It’s important that you let them know that their behavior is affecting you in a negative way and that you need to take care of yourself. And communicating that the consequences if they do not do that will be no contact. Something like this would do a better job at protecting you from all of them. Hope that makes sense. And of course, you actually have to do the thing if they violate the boundary, so you have to choose something that would allow you to be safe and continue to be safe. I spent two years, putting boundaries in place and tightening them every time they were violated. Now, finally, my boundaries are being respected, and I am finally in a safe space both physically and emotionally. I hope the same for you.

 

[Calmdown]

I can't reply to everyone but thank you for the kind responses.

That is incredibly draining, disappointing, invalidating over and over and over and over again.

Exactly.


Regarding my father I set some boundaries because when it mattered he just made it worse recently. Did not meet or call him, this is why he wrote that message.
The issue is that they are self-centered, not consciously so they don't even see how bad it is. My mother struggles if I distance myself but I always keep an inner distance.
None of them can be considerate but I don't believe that I don't matter to them.
Regarding my best friend it wasn't even trauma dumping lately but her current issues in combination with her learned helplessness. All of this just never ends, it is a circle and it makes it difficult to focus on myself.
If I say I'm doing well I mean well in relation to my current situation which is a complete mess (no therapy, resurfaced memories because of a trigger 10 months ago, I was suicidal for a short time etc.). My best friend knows about most of it but not everything and she still can't be considerate, probably because she is struggling herself and I was a reliable support for a long time. It doesn’t matter anymore, they’re stopping me from moving forward. I can't just be.

If my surroundings are unstable it makes me feel lost, helpless and alone. As if something breaks, there is no one I can rely on. More like a pillar that collapses, it's not about support in a practical sense, but something fundamental. I think this is an old feeling, overwhelming, and suddenly there.

 

[Asatantrosa]

I can't reply to everyone but thank you for the kind responses.


Exactly.


Regarding my father I set some boundaries because when it mattered he just made it worse recently. Did not meet or call him, this is why he wrote that message.
The issue is that they are self-centered, not consciously so they don't even see how bad it is. My mother struggles if I distance myself but I always keep an inner distance.
None of them can be considerate but I don't believe that I don't matter to them.
Regarding my best friend it wasn't even trauma dumping lately but her current issues in combination with her learned helplessness. All of this just never ends, it is a circle and it makes it difficult to focus on myself.
If I say I'm doing well I mean well in relation to my current situation which is a complete mess (no therapy, resurfaced memories because of a trigger 10 months ago, I was suicidal for a short time etc.). My best friend knows about most of it but not everything and she still can't be considerate, probably because she is struggling herself and I was a reliable support for a long time. It doesn’t matter anymore, they’re stopping me from moving forward. I can't just be.

If my surroundings are unstable it makes me feel lost, helpless and alone. As if something breaks, there is no one I can rely on. More like a pillar that collapses, it's not about support in a practical sense, but something fundamental. I think this is an old feeling, overwhelming, and suddenly there.

it sounds to me like you have been making sure people around you are stable since you were a child. Children are dependant on the people around them for their survival and it can be traumatic and chaos and undependeble adults can feel like an existensial threat. But if you feel like you have to take care of everyone else who’s going to take care of you? I understand that if every one else feels unstable it makes you feel worse, the problem is that you can’t make everyone stable and take care of yourself at the same time. If we exclude your parents and your friend from the situation, what would you do for yourself to feel more stable? Are they realisticly uncapable of taking care of their own emotional needs or are you being triggered and re-exoeriencing feeling like a child that feels helpless and scared when the people around are unstable?
There has to come a time where you make yourself and your needs the priority, so you can help yourself, especially if they’re constantly selfishly only thinking of their own needs. You deserve support when you’re having this crisis. I hope things gets better for you soon <3

 

[TruthSeeker1]

I don't even know where to start.
Given the circumstances I can manage everything well. But the people around me can be a real burden and it hurts me to say this.
I already set more boundaries, the post is more about how that insecure environment affects me.

My father is an alcoholic. I blocked him 2 years ago on whatsapp because he writes so many dumb messages when he is drunk, like hundreds of messages. Parents seperated when I was 3 years old. I had no contact to him until I was 16. He never fully took on his role as a father. I like him and we get along well but he is not someone I rely on. He has cancer, treatment works well but he still drinks alcohol.

My mother was emotionally unstable, I often was afraid of her and she often would explode, yelling like forever, telling me that she would send me to a childrens home etc.
We have a sort of truce agreement, so we understand each other, but I don’t allow any closeness. She calls several times a week an we meet every week or two.

My best friend has ADHD and PTSD. When we first met it was great because we were able to be ourselves around each other. But most of the time I have been in the helper role. Now I feel like I'm just that. I'm not a real person but have a role to fulfill.

I don't expect much. From my parents I just don't want additional stress and issues, which I told my mother several times the last months. I don't need or want any help from them and they could not help me anyways. But that is already too much too ask for.

Lately when there were important issues for me all of these people would add an extra burden to me. At the same time outwardly my parents act like they would be the ones supporting me, so to add to this neediness there is also a narcissistic component.
Days before a clinic stay that was important but also very stressful to me my mother made a scene when other people where around and she left in tears. It is always about making me feel guilty. She also can't cope with it if I create distance.

I had an important appointment yesterday, I expected a very difficult discussion and just the day before my father wrote to me "A father misses his son". It made me furious. I had so much stress lately and he can call at any time but instead acts like an infant and gives me all the responsibility. I manage to cope with everything and get in the right state for that appointment and they push me back to that depressive helpless state.
The morning before the appointment my best friend called, she wished me good luck etc. but then talked about her issues, just like 20 minutes before I needed to go. I felt helpless and it weighed heavily on me and pulled me out of that positive, fighting mindset again.

I have the role of the adult in these relationships, I don't do what I want but what I (think I) have to do. They don't see their own responsibility and burden me with all of their issues.
I already try to distance myself but that exactly brings new problems.
It is so complicated and I wish I could explain it shorter and in a better way. There is also another very important aspect: I don't need their support but I need to feel safe. If my surroundings are so unstable it makes me feel helpless.
I need to keep away any feelings of helplessness. This might also be one of the reasons why I do so much for others, I need them to be stable. Especially with my best friend this is difficult (I never realized until now that I'm a ptsd supporter). I always try to find solutions, this keeps me alive but she suffers from learned helplessness, so even if we find solutions she always acts like everything is meaningless anyways.
I recognize many problems years in advance, but she still ignores me and when the problem finally becomes acute, it suddenly becomes all that matters. She shows me that she needs help but at the same time, despite knowing very well that this is a strength of me she ignores anything that could be helpful in advance.

There is nothing I can rely on and this destabilizes me. I can't really put it into words.

I used to be married, chose to be in the helper role because I had poor self-esteem (and that role had no boundaries-the therapist called me porous-boundariless). I didn't even know what boundaries were. I became so sick, I left all of my family to survive......because they were abusive and I allowed it to happen. I set lots of boundaries and kept them at bay until I got in a better place....just used the excuse that my health was a priority and I couldn't do their drama. I took up new hobbies (clay, music, exercise, a diet, things that focused on me and my interests). I had issues being alone, I was scared, lonely, and my cat helped....so it was super hard because I wasn't independent and making decisions was hard....and I'd waiver with my boundaries and then they'd get close, we'd screw things up, and everyone would get hurt again. Finally, I let them all go and only send letters..... I love myself enough to let them go...the trade off is that I'm currently alone but it's my decision to stay alone and work on new relationships. The end result....no drama, no abuse, and my freedom from craziness, no constant cortisol running to my brain, and I'm feeling healthier and learning a lot more about life in general. I don't have to help others to feel good about me....or to be acknowledged. I help because I want to now.

 

[Calmdown]

I think I realized what the core of the problem is. If no one is there (people around me being unstable and thus self-centered, not seeing me) something bad happens. I think it triggers me in a way. And I'm in a situation where this constantly repeats.
This is also the reason why I can't fully deal with it rationally.
Before I was triggered by that name I didn't get any help from three different professionals the week before, my father burdened me additionally and my best friend trauma dumped on me just before. If that hadn't happened, it wouldn't have come to the surface.

I already keep my parents at a distance, this topic helped to realize that I still need to do more but this isn't the point. I wish I knew how to handle that overwhelming feeling that comes up in these situations. These are two different issues.

 

[Movingforward10]

If no one is there (people around me being unstable and thus self-centered, not seeing me) something bad happens

Sounds like deep abandonment issues from childhood playing out now?
So whilst you are aware of the behaviour you don't want from those around you, and you accept that is how it is, there still is that core deep issue that needs addressing?