Unstable environment, feeling helpless

[Asatantrosa]

When i’m overwhelmed/stressed/triggered it’s really hard because i have traumatic experiences of something really bad happening, reaching out to others for help but them not being able to, shaming me etc and that triggers me further in to a state of feeling completely alone and helpless. That’s a really hard state to be in, because you’re not rational, other people feels unsafe, i feel really desperate and angry that no one is helping.
what helps me in that situation is 1. Recognize i’m in that state, what triggered this? Is there a real threat right now or am i reliving something. 2. steps to calm me down and get out of the panic state. Is there tecniques you’re learned that works for you? Breathing, a safe place etc. 3. Taking care of your psysical needs, am i eating, drinking, sleeping?
When i’m out of the panic mode there still might be things stressing me out, can i solve these problems myself? Do i need help? Who can potentially help me solve this problem if i need help.
Lastly, relationships with others can be really hard when you are triggered because people just don’t know what to do or what you need when you’re in that fear and stressed out state. What do you think would be a helpful way to be met by those around you?
To minimize my further triggering by those around me i’ve been very upfront with them about what i need in those situations (reasonable requests) like, don’t yell or get angry at me when i’m panicked, it makes it worse. If i seem really stressed out and unlogical maybe pat my back or give me a hug and ask me how i am and listen to what i say. And also being upfront about when i’m in this state i feel completely alone and that’s scary.
People don’t always do these things but they do it some of the time and some ofcthe time is more helpful than never.

 

[Calmdown]

Movingforward10​

Yes, it is complicated because these problems are intertwined. I don't know what exactly the root of that overwhelming feeling is. I can set boundaries etc. but I still might get triggered.

Asatantrosa​

You described pretty much how I feel in these situations, with their reckless behavior they constantly push me into that state.
Usually I'm not even angry (they don't do it on purpose and have their own problems) and look for excuses but it just has become too much, they sabotage me.
I also sometimes get into that state when I call several therapists and none of them has any capacity, rationally I can deal with it, but that feeling when you call for help and no one is there just is too much.
I can recognize that state and that it was triggered by something but I'm just lost, maybe I should call a hotline or something, it would be at least something.

 

[Asatantrosa]

Movingforward10​

Yes, it is complicated because these problems are intertwined. I don't know what exactly the root of that overwhelming feeling is. I can set boundaries etc. but I still might get triggered.

Asatantrosa​

You described pretty much how I feel in these situations, with their reckless behavior they constantly push me into that state.
Usually I'm not even angry (they don't do it on purpose and have their own problems) and look for excuses but it just has become too much, they sabotage me.
I also sometimes get into that state when I call several therapists and none of them has any capacity, rationally I can deal with it, but that feeling when you call for help and no one is there just is too much.
I can recognize that state and that it was triggered by something but I'm just lost, maybe I should call a hotline or something, it would be at least something.

I hear you i’ve felt like this alot and it’s awful. And it can be so hard to get help. Having ptsd doesn’t make you rich and alot of the time the more economical options have really long waiting time and you don’t know if the therapist is a good fit or or even has experience working with trauma.
I think you should do what you need to do to regulate yourself and keep reaching out for treatment. Maybe somatic or breathing excersises can help you calm down (there’s slot on YouTube), and if you think calling a hotline would help you should do it. For me just trying to do something to help myself feels alot more healthy than feeling paralyzed and isolating myself. And try to remember you are not alone.

 

[Friday]

There is nothing I can rely on and this destabilizes me.

What might you be able to add to your life you CAN rely on?

 

[Calmdown]

I really don't know. I'm bad at approaching people but friends that don't expect any prolonged help would balance it out. I'm completly stuck in this situation, or at least it feels like that. I guess I have tunnel vision because of the past few years.

 

[Friday]

I really don't know. I'm bad at approaching people but friends that don't expect any prolonged help would balance it out. I'm completly stuck in this situation, or at least it feels like that. I guess I have tunnel vision because of the past few years.

Okay… so is there a way to get the need met that DOES NOT depend on other people?

Or is your stability purely balanced/depending on others meeting that need?

(Seems like a wicked high bar for anyone to meet, no matter how fundamentally amazing &/or central/ &/or balancing they might become in future… if the “you must be this tall to ride this ride” = they provide your stability. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there, a time or three, that the only value someone has, is what they can do for me. I think most people in trauma have been that f*cked up a time or three. But people I’m USING in that way? To prop me up? Are temporary at best (if they’re good people) or abusive f*cktard twists (at worst) taking advantage of my being too f*cked up to provide my own stability.).

So, speaking from experience in having zero internal structure? What could provide you stability that YOU control? That YOU can bring into your life? Not that someone else is bringing to the table, but that you, yourself, are? <<< That’s not an easy question, if you’re used to other people bringing you your sense of rightness/ balance/ drive/ ambition/ goals/ framework/ stable heart & mind & life/ reason/ purpose…. etc..

When I have DEEPLY SOLID things I can rely on in my own life? Amazing people glitter like stars. Too many to count.

If I’m depending on others to provide my stability, balance, etc.? Pfft. Failures. Disappointments. Abusive f*cktards. And worse. The good and damaged, I’m only hurting, not helping.

 

[Calmdown]

I think that came across completly wrong. I'm burned out on giving people the stability they need and I want to meet people that don't depend on this. I don't need anyone to support me actively (which would be nice but is completly unrealistic).
The point is that it feels like people around me are drowning and I'm the one they hold on to. This is what destabilizes and triggers me and not that I depend on them for help or stability in general.
It is difficult for me to fully describe this situation and I get that I might give a wrong impression but it is really important for me to clarify this: I'm the one who stays calm in difficult situations and I'm the one who is supporting everyone. At the same time no one could do that for me, which I don't even expect them to do, I just don't want them to burden me on top of all the things I'm managing.

Everything around me is falling apart. The people who matter to me are struggling, and it is all connected. I’m good at coping, and I can rely on myself, but this is a trigger. And that is the key reason why this situation is so hard for me. I hope that makes things a bit clearer now.

 

[Asatantrosa]

I think that came across completly wrong. I'm burned out on giving people the stability they need and I want to meet people that don't depend on this. I don't need anyone to support me actively (which would be nice but is completly unrealistic).
The point is that it feels like people around me are drowning and I'm the one they hold on to. This is what destabilizes and triggers me and not that I depend on them for help or stability in general.
It is difficult for me to fully describe this situation and I get that I might give a wrong impression but it is really important for me to clarify this: I'm the one who stays calm in difficult situations and I'm the one who is supporting everyone. At the same time no one could do that for me, which I don't even expect them to do, I just don't want them to burden me on top of all the things I'm managing.

Everything around me is falling apart. The people who matter to me are struggling, and it is all connected. I’m good at coping, and I can rely on myself, but this is a trigger. And that is the key reason why this situation is so hard for me. I hope that makes things a bit clearer now.

You get anxiety on top of your other problems which makes things feel more unstable because you can’t focus on yourself and be a pillar and crutch for people around you at the same time? Am i getting that right?
is it possible for these people to get support and help from someone else this time? Can you be honest about your situation and needs? From what you’ve written i get the impression that they’re various degrees of emotionally immature and aren’t capable of seeing your perspective. If that’s the case all you can do is to tell them straight out: i’m having a crisis right now and i need to focus on sorting my problems out but i’m also worried about you and that makes it really hard for me to focus. I love you but i need space and i need for you to get help to deal with your own problems.

You seem to feel alot of responsibility for the people around you and being the stable one is a part of your identity and its hard for you to step out of that role in relationships. If you let go for a while can you trust that everything and everyone won’t fall apart? Maybe you need to do this, for yourself. Maybe letting go of that control would be good for you and them in the long run even though it’s scary now.

 

[Calmdown]

You are right and this is one important aspect. However the issue is that with my best friends it is like family and I care about the kids. I support her daughter and if that wasn't the case I probably would have stepped out of this situation years ago. I'm the most important attachment figure after her mother and that is an important responsibility. I already try to focus on her but if my best friends struggles it also affects her. It is not meant to sound too dramatic, it is just that I try to compensate what my best friend can't do well. And in her defense there are very few people who would be able handle two kids with (severe) adhd as a single parent with adhd and ptsd or even without all that additional difficulties.
Of course it also affected our friendship. Over the past few years that part came up way too short, we were mostly focused on dealing with family issues and serious problems caused by other people. I'm just in that role. It led to me being seen less and at times feeling like just a shell or someone who is only there to function.
I know it is my fault that it turned out this way. When we were younger I took on that role and back then I was much more resilient.

The challenge is to keep a healthy distance while still being there for the daughter. This is already what I try to do. I also want to focus more on the friendship and less on her problems.

 

[Asatantrosa]

You are right and this is one important aspect. However the issue is that with my best friends it is like family and I care about the kids. I support her daughter and if that wasn't the case I probably would have stepped out of this situation years ago. I'm the most important attachment figure after her mother and that is an important responsibility. I already try to focus on her but if my best friends struggles it also affects her. It is not meant to sound too dramatic, it is just that I try to compensate what my best friend can't do well. And in her defense there are very few people who would be able handle two kids with (severe) adhd as a single parent with adhd and ptsd or even without all that additional difficulties.
Of course it also affected our friendship. Over the past few years that part came up way too short, we were mostly focused on dealing with family issues and serious problems caused by other people. I'm just in that role. It led to me being seen less and at times feeling like just a shell or someone who is only there to function.
I know it is my fault that it turned out this way. When we were younger I took on that role and back then I was much more resilient.

The challenge is to keep a healthy distance while still being there for the daughter. This is already what I try to do. I also want to focus more on the friendship and less on her problems.

Well that’s surely a dilemma, i didn’t know there were children involved. How old is the child?
I have two children (one with ADHD) and have ptsd and health issues, but my children live half time with their father which gives me space to deal with my issues and he is a stable responsible person and it’s really important to me that they are safe and taken care of so i can focus on myself when they’re not with me, it allows me to be more present and stable when they are.
As i understand it their father is not an involved or dependable parent?
Does your friend have access to treatment or support through health care or community? I can understand if you feel you can’t ”abandon” a child. Do you think your friend is capable of having an honest conversation about your friendship and her learned helplesness and how it affects you at this time? Or is that too much for her to handle?

 

[Calmdown]

Thanks for the insight. It reminded me of how complicated the situation is and helped to see more clearly again. I mean I understand her, but over time it all just becomes the norm and then you don’t really see it anymore. She never gets a break even for a day.
The father is an awful person that only caused problems in the past, there is nothing positive about him. The rest of the family is awful too. Unlike me she at least has a therapist but this doesn't help for the everyday stress. Social workers were patronizing and ignoring her boundaries over and over again. Family assistance caused more stress, really awful people. And so on. This is why we both don't believe in anything anymore. The system doesn't work. I made similiar experiences.
I think at the moment this conversation would be too much , there is too much going on. I need to wait until it gets better.