Undiagnosed Unsure if i have ptsd?

[K-dawg]

Hi, I'm new here and I just would like some help sorting through my thoughts. Sorry for the long post.

I had my first couple sessions of counselling earlier this year at school, but I can't do any more until the new semester in September, so I've been thinking a lot about what we did and didn't talk about, and I feel like it has barely helped so far, I'm still so confused about what my possible diagnosis could be... of course I'm going to continue counselling as soon as I can, but I'd love some input from people with personal experience.

So I've always had a history of poor self esteem/body image, nervousness/anxiety, depression, etc since I was about 12 or so. It was never "bad enough" that I thought I needed or deserved any help. Around when I was 17 I started dealing with a lot more depressive symptoms. I started drinking (heavily drinking at parties, when I was sad, etc). I came out as bi and started dating a girl, to which my dad basically disowned me and he would get drunk and yell at me (also a history of him being a bit of an alcoholic since I was very young, yelling at my mom, me, etc). I was sad and felt detached from people. I had a lot of suicidal ideation, with some occasional suicidal thoughts that really scared me. Then at my high school graduation party I got extremely drunk. Hard for me to remember properly, but a girl there cornered me and was kissing me, touching me, even though she knew I had a gf and I kept saying "no, I don't want to". I remember saying "no" over and over very clearly. Next thing I remember after that is I was throwing up and she was comforting me. After that night I was filled with guilt, I knew I hadn't cheated on my gf but I felt so guilty. I told her a week later, but I was still in denial and didn't know I had been sexually assaulted so I know I didn't explain the situation well. My gf broke up with me immediately, she couldn't trust me anymore, she thought I had cheated on her. I was numb. It was strange, I wanted to die so badly but I was not suicidal like before. We had a huge fight and ended our relationship/friendship on very bad terms. I was and am convinced that she hates me because of what happened.

I hurt her and I felt so guilty and like I deserved to be punished. I couldn't sleep for months, I had so many dreams about my gf: avoiding her in my dreams because I was scared of seeing her, having dreams where we were friends again, etc. I stopped listening to bands she introduced me to for a while, I didn't drive near her house anymore, I would instantly become upset and detached whenever my friends would mention her name. I stopped drinking entirely because I blamed myself for getting too drunk. These symptoms were extremely severe for months, the whole year.

It's been almost 2 years since we broke up, and while I am a lot better overall, it's still hard. I will still get randomly triggered or think of her at a random time and then will be wracked with guilt and anxiety for minutes, hours, etc, it depends. I occasionally still have dreams about her, waking up in a panic and feeling upset all day. I've had a couple relationships since then but none have worked out. I am always afraid that they will leave me, or I'm afraid that I will do something wrong or not love them enough. At university this year I had immense difficulty making any friends and I was lonely and depressed. I started having suicidal ideation and occasional suicidal thoughts again. I am scared that I might turn to drinking again, but so far I've been good at staying away from drinking when I'm sad and alone. I have a lot of feelings of guilt and I'm afraid of hurting people who get close to me. I'm scared to get close to new people or date anyone.

So what I'm unsure about... I don't know what I'm suffering from. My gut says I may be suffering from ptsd, but the root event is so different from what I've read about (war, rape, death of a loved one). Can you get ptsd from something like a traumatic breakup? Maybe the sexual assault is also still affecting me in relation to that? But I also had depression/anxiety symptoms before hand, so I don't know what to call it... I've also wondered if I may have bipolar disorder because of my "phases" of happiness and when I don't think about her at all, and then phases where I can't escape thoughts of her. Any input is extremely appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.

 

[anthony]

Obviously nobody here can diagnose you...

What you've said above, says you have pre-anxiety / depression problems. So you likely have anxiety / depression and need treatment for it. Suicidal thoughts is not ideal... you need treatment intervention, whether talk therapy, medication or other lifestyle change (exercise or such to curb it).

From what you outlined, you were sexually assaulted. Like you said, this was after the fact though of what seems to be the true symptoms pre-existing, anxiety and depression.

You can't be diagnosed with PTSD from a relationship breakup -- contrary to your mention of that. You can be diagnosed with PTSD from:

A. Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Directly experiencing the traumatic event(s),
2. Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others,
3. Learning that the traumatic event(s) occurred to a close family member or close friend. In cases of actual or threatened death of a family member or friend, the event(s) must have been violent and accidental.
4. Experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of the traumatic event(s) (e.g., first responders collecting human remains; police officers repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse).

That is the pre-cursor requirement for PTSD diagnosis.

You may have PTSD, as you mention a drunken father / parental figure, which eludes to forms of abuse. This certainly explains anxiety / depression pre-sexual assault, and post. Everyone interprets their own sexual experiences uniquely, and how you do your drunken one, is up to you. If you deem it traumatic and its haunting you, then that is the case. If not... then the problems are likely prior, being the drunken parent and abuse that entailed.

Finding the core issue helps you know what you need to work on. School counselling is probably not the ideal solution for you, as this is now more traumatic in nature -- not what a school counsellor is trained in.

Maybe see if your college has a psychology department where students need training -- thus enter you for free therapy.