Unsure of Therapeutic Relationship/Alliance

[InsertCoinsHere]

I’ve had my 5th session with my latest Trauma therapist and I’m doubting the bond. There feels like a divide, I feel judged and that the therapist only wants to hear of ‘good news’. I don’t feel fully able to open up to her or be emotionally vulnerable. Moments where she’s guided me to feel my emotions in the therapeutic environment I have only been able to let my guard down a slight amount before pulling back.. I don’t feel comfortable to Be vulnerable with her.

My trust with medical professions and my own mother has been damaged over the past few months prior to beginning therapy due to certain handlings of situations. So maybe that is why I don’t feel able to let my guard down as I was potentially retraumatised by unprofessional doctors.

The therapist I am seeing is very knowledgable and I feel she does want the best for me however I do feel the need to be on guard. Is there anything I can do to help this situation?

I’m unsure a) if we click b) it’s not just my damaged mistrust of medical professionals

Any advice or personal experience would be helpful. Thank you.

 

[somerandomguy]

Well, mainly - trust takes time. A LOT of time for some people. You're only 5 sessions in - in my view it might not even be in your best interest for you to trust your therapist yet.

Could you print out your post and give it to your therapist? Your feelings and questions are wholly reasonable, and talking directly about them with your therapist may give you a much better sense of whether you can ultimately trust her.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
Have you managed to chat about this to her at all? Did you interview more than one T to start before deciding? I totally get what you are saying. It can be really hard to differentiate between red flags that are going off and past stuff going off. If only we had a crystal ball or map for that.

If you look at it logically and leave emotions aside for the minute is she doing anything you know doesn't work for you or not doing anything you know you need?

 

[hithere]

I think you would have known within a few sessions if there is a connection possible. I interviewed several therapists and only a couple did I feel I could trust or connect with. I trusted my instincts. My guess is you feel judged because you are.

 

[Rumors]

If it were me I would ask a lot of questions about how she sees therapy with you going down, her methodology, the ideas she might have to help you and what that looks like, and her expectation of you during the process. I don't think you can know what she is thinking or feeling unless you ask.

 

[piratelady]

I trust my therapist completely - it took a very long time to get to that point. Like to trust him with the trauma, my shame, that sort of stuff, it took over a year. To trust him with the stuff that was less scary, like how I was feeling about what was going on in my day to day life, that took a few months.

I think it would be good to take @Rumors advice, have a conversation, ask a lot of questions. Based on her answers, see if you want to keep trying to build that trust or not.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Thanks for the replies all.

I’m going to go to my next session and try to be open as possible with a fresh perspective.

At the end of the session if I felt I didn’t feel comfortable once again I will bring it up to my therapist and ask about their treatment methods for me, whether they feel we are a match, and what can be done.

The therapist is professional and is very knowledgeable so she is very armed for helping me for this condition.

I have raised my concerns to her that I feel unable to open up and that was after the 3rd or 4th session and her reply was that it takes time to develop a relationship and discuss such deep and difficult topics so it will grow with time.

 

[bhm]

I was also traumatized during the process of finally being paired with a clinician and was very weary at first, the person I'm working with is great for the most part and was aware of my trepidations surrounding trust in the beginning, and let me know that, and expessed understanding it may take time for me to feel comfortable letting my gaurd down, and was always very open with the course of treatment plan they had in mind and if I was onboard, or if I had any questions or concerns, I think everyone has great advice in being open with them and expressing your concerns, I think you'll be able to gauge it better for yourself based on thier reactions to your concerns, :)

 

[shimmerz]

Is there anything I can do to help this situation?

It's your therapists job to establish this trust relationship. It's their job. If they do it well enough you will notice that you start to feel differently about them. But that is theirs to fight for.

Can you ask your therapist how she works on building a therapeutic alliance with her clients?

 

[Justmehere]

While I agree that it can take time to find the right therapist or therapy, I don’t agree with this:

My guess is you feel judged because you are.

Feelings are not facts, and attempted mind reading is rarely accurate. (I do it too, so no judgement here at all.)

Therapists don’t generally become therapists to judge people. There are easier professions with better pay.

But it is important information that you are interpreting her actions and statements as judgement and interpreting them as if she only wants the good news.

There feels like a divide, I feel judged and that the therapist only wants to hear of ‘good news’.

Can you be more specific about what she does that leads you to interpret that she is judging you and only wants to know good news?

Not just more specific on this thread, but especially with her.

I have raised my concerns to her that I feel unable to open up and that was after the 3rd or 4th session and her reply was that it takes time to develop a relationship and discuss such deep and difficult topics so it will grow with time.

It’s good you raised concerns, but this sounds a little vague. Just like you can’t read her mind, she can’t read yours. Struggling to share is common and it does take time, but if she doesn’t know your interpretations of her specific actions to be judgement or only wanting good news, she can’t adjust and meet your needs because she doesn’t know what’s happening.

I’m glad you’ll go back for another session. Try to use it as an experiment in being more specific with your concerns. Write them down in advance if that would help. Try using language such as “when you say xyz, I feel judged.” Or “when you do xyz, I feel like you only want the good news.”

Give her a chance to address the specific interpretations you have as a way to gain more information.

It could be that she is prompting you to talk about good news because she notices you pull back, struggle to regulate, and is trying to help you stay more present with her to build an alliance. Not because she doesn’t want to know the other information or because she judges you.

But you don’t know unless you ask her what she actually means by her actions, not just what you feel and interpret them to mean.

It may be reasonable to also look at expectations for the process.

I’ve been hurt by professionals in the past. I struggle to trust and be open. I need a therapist to help me feel safe enough to share. At the same time, I don’t expect it to feel good to risk being open and vulnerable. If I had a fear of flying after a plane crash, I may want to know about how it will be safe to fly again. It would also reasonable to expect I’ll feel uncomfortable and scared the first few flights no matter how safe it is to fly again. Trauma therapy is kind of like that. It will take time and some risk before vulnerability feels good again.

It may also be good to explain your expectations regarding the pace of the work. Some clients want to jump in fast, some don’t. The more you can tell her about what you want to do, perhaps the better she can address why she is going slower or find ways to help you go faster.

Based on your other posts about this therapist, it actually seems like you are doing some good work with her and that there is a lot of pain stirred up right now. It might be worth it to consider if you are seeking to push away that pain by pushing her away.

Many trauma survivors have reasons to keep people at a distance that have little to do with the specific person but more to do with the trauma. Think about it this way: if you were vulnerable, and she isn’t judging you.... what would that mean? What would be downside? Chances are, you would have to face difficult and painful trauma. Thus, it may be a form of coping with the pain of the trauma to interpret her as being judgey... and thus you don’t need to risk going there with her.

Instead, it may help more to focus on tools to cope with that pain, even if you can’t talk about the trauma itself yet, so that facing that pain is less daunting. It’s also a way to begin to talk about the trauma, without getting so overwhelmed you have the check out or push her away.