Undiagnosed Unsure.

[Wyakin]

Hello,

I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but it has been suggested by others that it might be the root of my problems.

I cannot talk about what happened to me, I can barely even think about it but it happened five years ago when I was 19. Ever since I have been cautious of new people, especially men, but I have coped with it by acting cocky and confident.

Over the last year I have gradually become more withdrawn, I am suffering with some physical issues and I had just put it down to them. However I have also started having nightmares, reliving what happened over and over.

In the last few weeks my circumstance have changed and I have had to accept a man, who I don't entirely trust, living next door to me with just a fire door between us. I used to come home from work and relax but now he's there and he's at home to. I cannot switch off.

I have quickly become more anxious around everyone, even people I have known for years. I struggle to make eye contact, I avoid interaction, I flinch at sudden movements and spend all my time looking for danger. I am so tired of being aware of everything that is going on around me, I am afraid all the time. I am now experiencing flashbacks in the day that leave me exhausted.

I cannot go on like this much longer, my colleagues are trying to help and I am hopefully going to speak to the doctor on Tuesday.

One of my friends asked me how I feel, they told me to write it down. I wrote this to try to explain some of how I feel -

I am broken. Or at least part of me is. Part of my brain isn't working properly, it tells me to be afraid of things when I shouldn't be. The normal part of my brain knows this but it seems that at the moment the broken part is in control.

Broken brain wants to be aware of everything around it, it wants to know what that person over there is doing and what that noise was. It wants to know of all approaching potential dangers and it wants to focus on them until they are no longer a problem.

Normal brain wants to rest, it is tired of Broken brain being in control. Normal brain has been fighting for a while now and up until recently it was mostly winning (with the odd bit of territory conceded) but not any more and now Normal brain is too tired to fight back.

Meanwhile Broken brain is running riot, it can bring up things long forgotten and make Normal brain see and experience them all over again. The sound of keys in a lock, the slam of a door, the feeling of being enclosed can all be used to drag up old memories best left.

Normal brain knows that these memories are old but Broken brain relives them like they are happening right now, the smell, the sound, the pain, the fear. Even when not re-experiencing them Broken brain likes to be on alert ready to prevent more damage.

Broken brain needs to protect itself, after all there is a reason it got broken in the first place. Normal brain knows what is a danger to Broken brain but Broken brain doesn't listen, Normal brain let it down once and Broken brain will not let that happen again. Broken brain needs to be careful of everything and everyone, even the people that Normal brain has known for years and previously decided were safe, Normal brain has been wrong before.

Broken brain doesn't even stop when Normal brain sleeps, even then Broken brain is checking and rechecking for ways the creation of Broken brain could have been prevented. Normal brain knows this is a futile task but Broken brain doesn't care, Broken brain knows if it repeats the memories often enough a solution will be found and Broken brain would never have existed.

Normal brain isn't afraid of people, Normal brain wants to make eye contact and not flinch at every movement or noise, Normal brain wants to trust but Broken brain has control and Broken brain knows that no risk is worth it, if in doubt flee and if that doesn't work fight.

Normal brain has forgotten what it is like to feel anything but fear. Normal brain still manages to laugh and joke but Broken brain stops any happy feeling, fear means survival, laughter didn't get us very far last time.

Normal brain wants help, Normal brain will ask if it can get past distrustful, nervous, hyper-vigilant Broken brain to do so but for now Broken brain has all the power.

I do not know what to do, Tuesday seems so far away.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Wyakin, welcome to the forum, and I'd like to say that while you may be undiagnosed, what you describe here sounds EXACTLY like PTSD. I especially connect with your description of the struggle between Broken brain and Normal brain. I think it will help you very much to speak with a therapist and show them what you have written here. Reaching out with cyber-hugs and support!

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you Nebulustrix, I have started researching PTSD today and I am finding myself nodding my head along as I read but it is positive to hear that you see it to. I wrote Broken brain/Normal brain last night and I think it really helped to give my friend an incite in to how I am feeling at the moment.

Cyber-hugs and support much appreciated.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I wanted to share a little bit with you, as I know hearing other's experiences is often helpful:

Currently, I do not deal with the hyper-vigilance. I have a lot of tension and anxiety building up that has led to me making an appointment to start seeing a therapist again (haven't been to one in about four years), but I do remember that it used to be so much worse.

Where you said Broken brain "wants to know what that person over there is doing and what that noise was", I could feel the intensity of the hyper-vigilant brain. Every sound, every movement... It's like your senses have gone into overdrive and pick up every little detail that others normally don't even notice, and those details are a threat until you can hunt them down, identify them, and classify them as safe. That rustling noise? THREAT! Until you look around and realize your napping dog was just stretching. That creaking noise? THREAT! Until you investigate and find a gust of wind had loosened your storm gutter.

Each supposed threat brings an immediate bodily reaction - release of adrenaline, tension, fear, "fight-or-flight". All those reactions going into overdrive over every little thing wears you out, wears you down, makes you tired. You just want to rest. But you CAN'T, because rest leaves you vulnerable to all the THREATS!

I remember the feelings, and writing about it brings it back some, especially with the current difficulties I'm having with my anxiety, but it's definitely not as bad for me as it used to be. Before, my guard was never down, and when it exhausted me so much I HAD to sleep, even that was interrupted with fretful nightmares.

It has helped me immensely to write about it. I had to bring the memories to the surface, face them, address them, process the emotions connected to them. And I could then take each thing that seemed like a threat, and connect it to something in my past that HAD been a threat, but that didn't mean THIS is a threat. It is a difficult and stressful process and one that takes time. I look at where I was and where I am now and know I have made so much progress despite my current despair that I'm not really "finished" dealing with it all.

The fact that you have something to call it now (PTSD) can help make it more manageable. You can find help through a therapist, books and studies on PTSD, hyper-vigilance, stress management, etc, and here. :) Broken-brain can heal with study, understanding, work, and time. There will likely be scars and residual pain throughout your life, but it is possible to get past the worst of it with help.

 

[madmax]

I'D like to copy and paste this so I can explain what it feels like to my T.........He does not relate well....wants to know if I want "those people to control my life forever".........having to answer that question leaves me wondering about T.

Thank you for speaking for me.

Max

 

[franciemarnie]

That's a fantastic description of the thinking real-time neocortex vs. the triggered survival brain (limbic reptilian). You are fabulously aware.

The two don't have the same language. One uses thought and language. The injured brain responds to the senses.

As you probably know, there is a lot we can do to communicate with the injured brain in its language. Although sometimes it's screaming so loud, it can't hardly sense the sensory messages of safety we are giving it. They often come in subtle while the triggers booms like an earthquake!

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you so much for sharing with me Nebulustrix, everything you have described is just how I feel it is so good to know I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am sorry to read you are struggling at the moment. Having something to call it really helps, my next step is speaking to my doctor that is going to be hard. I am not good at asking for help it's just not me.

Madmax I am sorry to read you are struggling with your T, is there no way you could get a different one?

Thank you Franciemarnie, even at my worst there is always a part of me shouting "it's not real, it's not happening, it's in the past" but trying to get the rest of my body/brain to agree is impossible. My manager has been watching me closely and is very analytical, she has spotted things I am doing that I hadn't noticed. I have faith that she will push me in the right direction, it's a shame she leaves soon though.

 

[madmax]

I don't get charged a copay medicare pays the bill with this "brain surgeon".......My funds go towards my son Kenny that has mild aspergers syndrome.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Wyakin,

Welcome to the forum!

Your description of the battle between Broken/Normal brain is an excellent analogy of the hypervigilance struggle. I hope that you find seeing your doctor is helpful and this site can be an excellent tool in healing.

Debbie