Sexual Assault Unsure

[Can't let it go]

Hi a few years ago I was dealing with this guy he was very aggressive but he was real nice. One day I had agreed to go to a hotel with him and when we got there I had changed my mind but I did it anyway. I didn't like it at all and after we finished I wanted to go home but he wasn't ready. I was watching TV and he climbed on top of me and I sad no but he kept on and I didn't fight him off and I just let him enter me. While he was doing him I was laying there crying and he never stopped and I was scared to fight him off but I wanted him to stop.. I don't know if it was rape or I just allowed it and I just can't get it out my mind.

 

[twinkle30]

If you say no then it is rape. Rape isn't just when you are fighting someone off. The problem to be honest will be convincing cops that is was rape since they have a more traditional view of rape as being very violent and forceful.

 

[Can't let it go]

Thanks. my sister said the same thing but I still feel as though I asked for it. I should have left or screamed out. I should have never been there in the first place because I never felt comfortable when I was with him alone but when ever I told him no he would stop at some point

 

[Chava]

Ditto @twinkle86 , but I also read major boundary issues here. You changed your mind, but went into the hotel room anyway. You wanted to leave after but stayed and watched T.V. Then you said No, which of course means "No" whether you fight or not. But for everything preceding, I would ask if this is a pattern for you or if you have since been able to know and establish boundaries for yourself that you feel more comfortable with?

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. I've been raped, assaulted, and also many times "let it happen" and also just end up in the wrong places. I have really had to consider my boundaries and how I maintain them (for example, I do not accept an invitation to a guy's house on the first few days...beyond that it depends....if the guy isn't okay, then we can forget about each other, because I'm beyond needing people that much...for myself I need to know I can have boundaries).

Anyway, I'd call it rape but you also allowed several boundaries to cave preceding it (which doesn't make it okay, but like I said, there is personal power in being able to understand and act on our own hunches and boundaries).

 

[Can't let it go]

@Chava no it wasn't a pattern for me that was my first time ever in any situation like that. And I never thought of me establishing boundaries but I guess I did because after that situation I haven't dated a stranger since. Every mam I have dated since then have been a friend or just someone I have known for awhile. No your reply didn't come off wrong because I agree and that's why till this day I still feel that it was my fault because I put myself there and did not exit the situation from the beginning

 

[Chava]

Sounds like you were just unsure of your boundaries (glad you've had better experiences since then). No is still no. So no it's not your fault he continued, but you have to forgive yourself for the boundary uncertainties leading up to it at the time. This kind of scenario has happened to a bunch of us.

 

[RussH]

@Can't let it go You may be "guilty" (notice the quote marks) of making some poor decisions, but you are not responsible for his actions once you said no. And then for him to continue while you are laying there crying clearing put blame on him and not you.
You were raped, and that is not your fault.

 

[twinkle30]

You might want to look up the local rape crisis center. They probably have support groups and counselors you could talk to.

 

[The Albatross]

"I never felt comfortable when I was with him alone but when ever I told him no he would stop at some point

You ignored your instinct... but had prior experiences where you felt you had some trust. But I agree with much of the above. Some of us have had similar situations to yours.

Can you share more about what you said, "very aggressive but very nice?" That could have been the crux of the issue and could be examined a bit more rather than all of the things you feel you "should" have done once you found yourself alone in a hotel room and having something done that you didn't want.

 

[Friday]

The first part I would classify as regrettable sex. The second part? That's rape.

Does that happen? Yep. Absolutely. It doesn't even need to be 2 sex acts. I have been happily having amazing sex with someone, needed to stop, said so... And they stopped! Finis. Freeze. Pause. Done. Stopped. Right then & there. Oy. Poor guy. He was a really, really good one. I was just some random chick he picked up, didn't know me from Adam, no need or reason to be concerned for my feelings or anything else. Far as he knew? He'd never see me again. Except... He's not a rapist. In any way, shape, or form. The chick he was banging said stop, he stopped. End of story.

Been with other guys where one of us needed to stop for whatever reason, and yeah. Stop. Finis. Done. Right then and there. There is only one point whilst having sex where that's physically impossible, and it's only a few seconds long. Any time before or after orgasm, a person can stop. The cascading chemical thing that happens with blokes isn't something they have control over. Once the prostrate triggers, you've got 3-5 seconds of uncontrollable chemical reactions.

Regrettable sex... When it's bad for any reason, or even when it's amazing but you feel awful afterward for any reason, is still consensual.

Rape... Not consensual.

- Spousal rape? Happens. You can consent 5,000 times, then say no, and it's rape.
- Date rape? Happens. You can consent up to a point, and after that point (if they know), it's rape.

You consented for the first time. It was bad, and you called halt. But it could have been amazing. That part really doesn't matter. The part that matters is that you called halt. You did not consent, you were forced the next time. Which makes it rape.