Unsure.

[StayingStrong]

Hi all,

First of all, I'd like to say I've read through so many posts here in just a few days, and as a result, I'm beginning to feel as if there is some glimmer of hope through all the support available here. Thank you all so much for this.

This is sort of an odd situation and I'm unsure if it's really even appropriate for me to be here, as I'm not technically a "carer". Let me explain.

I was very interested in a man I met and I recently told him of these feelings. He acknowledged them and told me gently he was not ready for a relationship because he has been suffering from emotional numbness for years now, following a trauma that affected him deeply.

After (wrongly) taking this personally, ("wrongly" because I do believe he does care for me in some capacity: this is not a case of simple unrequited love, here), and later, with much self-reflection and time, I began researching PTSD.

I wanted to understand. I devoured whole books in a just a few days. I sought out any bit of information that might help ease my own pain that came with his refusal. Selfish, I know.

After all this research, I think I understand, at least partially, the sentiment. I actually appreciate that he is mature enough to recognize he doesn't have much to give right now, and is apparently unwilling to hurt me.

So, I suppose I am here to perhaps catch a bit of advice on how I might support him as a friend, and also to gain insight as to what he might be going through. I don't want him to feel as if I am intruding (though he has mentioned talking with me helps), so I am trying hard to push aside my own feelings and non-judgmentally encourage his overall well-being. Of course, some days are harder for me than others, that's for sure, though I know my own hurt is nothing compared to what he might be feeling.

But he's strong. I can feel it. And that, alone, is motivation enough for me to stay strong, myself: whether as a friend, or "carer". I wish him (and you all!) much success in healing.

Thanks for listening.

 

[anni]

It IS hard to sometimes seperate what is going on with someone who is suffering from PTSD. I REALLY admire your friend for his being able to verbalize what he has suffered and how it has affected him. The good news is that LOTSSSS of us have incredibly wonderful relationships while maintaining a running battle with this dam PTSD thing every single day. I'm sure everyone is different, but there is a point one gets to where the healing plus sheer determination and awareness can put us back into the world of people, for the most part.

Being informed is always the single best start for anyone, plus a commitment on the part of the sufferer to BEGIN and continue healing. It's very cool of you to be so supportive, and wish to be so informed so you may be there for one of 'us'.

Please know that I've seen that often (I'm sure not always) one of the 'side effects' of PTSD seems to be that the person is a very compassionate, kind and loving individual, perhaps more than the norm. Maybe I'm incorrect in saying that but it just seems to be the case. I'm certainly not complimenting myself, I've just noticed in myself, and seen in others here, that the capacity for reaching out and needing to help others is just immense. Perhaps as your friend heals you'll see this aspect and know you've indeed nurtured some valued healing!

Take care of yourself also!

Anni

 

[StayingStrong]

Thank you for this, Anni. Really, you have no idea what it means to me. He already has displayed some of the characteristics (compassionate, kind, etc.) you've described: they were initially what impressed me to begin with.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just completely insane to try to help someone through such persistent and oppressive emotional blockage, knowing in no certainty what the future may hold for him, or much less for us.

Then I remind myself of all those reasons I was attracted to him in the first place, and recognize that he is important enough to me that I really do wish to help, even only as a friend.

Can I ask what your (and any fellow PTSD sufferers out there) experiences have been in dealing with the emotional numbness? Have any of you started your healing journey feeling nothing, but have since made significant progress in human emotion again? How long did it take? Was it through therapy or some other means?

Sorry for all the questions (I am ridiculously inquisitive by nature), but I really do wish him the best, and if there's anything I can do to bring him hope, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

~SS

 

[anni]

Hi again-
I think the inquisitivness makes life INTERESTING! :)

The emotional numbness in my OWN expereince ( and have to say here that everyone is different and would hate to have you think that his motivations/reasons/perspectives are what mine are from my PTSD damage)was really, really exhausting. I couldn't keep it up. It also made things worse because it made me so much more guilty for inflicting coldness on other people. It was ( felt) dammed if you do dammed if you don't. I didn't want to feel anything so cut it ALL off, but it was so tough to maintain because I had to use so many more defense to maintain that! If I allowed the pain, then THAT was crushing! Sigh. The 3rd option was healing through pain. Ouch but it's the only way.

I guess there's that fine line between not wishing to intrude on someone's pain and wishing not to see them continue on what is probably an unhealthy way to live.Patterns can become ingrained way too quickly and then there's one more obstacle to clear before healing from the trauma, you know? Maybe he can't yet- like I said, everyone is different.

Be a little wary of investing too much of yourself in him as a 'project', for want of a better word. My husband was just a consistantly solid, persistent, and intuitive presence for a long time before I thawed enough to recognise he wasn't going anywhere. He might have, but he had it in his head that that was possible also! The perpatrater of your friend's trauma, whoever it is, has a list of victims and it tends to be long, and includes those who become too touched by their damage. It does sound as if you two have a nice, genuine freindship, which is a lovely starting point and also a healing point for a PTSD sufferer. Just make sure to take care of yourself!

It does depend on where he is, but it is important that his emotional detachment isn't 100% of the time and comprehensive, otherwise there isn't anything that CAN be done at the moment. The ball is really in his court as far as WISHING to be healed, as tough as that sounds for someone so injured.To be adding another 'fight' onto what he's already gone through sounds unfair, I know but it's just the way it is. Noone asks for cancer, either, but without a good, positive, attitude and wishing to heal then the prognosis there usually isn't very good.

It's through wishing to be better first, and also therapy. Sometimes sufferers just plain can't afford therapy and can find relief and some healing through researching the condition and joining really GOOD forums such as this one. ( It's very, very well run, full of knock down, drag out solid information, intolerant of nonsense and also fullll of lovely, ALL important SUPPORT) There are many kinds of therapy, and it's also important for him to trust his instincts and feel that he's chosen the right one.

The time frame varies but I don't know how it does per individual. I'm 20 years post-traumas. I'm known as C-PTSD. For me, the emotional coldness wasn't so much as not wishing to have pain as it was just anger, I found.I just plain QUIT- quit engaging, feeling and growing. I'd show THEM, whoever 'they' were! :) He could be different.Mine didn't last long at all, and was after the hyper-vigilence so many of us have. I'm not sure how long it would have been before I could function as a 'normal', relationship oriented person again because I wasn't presented with the chance to be one for a long time! I hope others read and answer your post and can maybe fill in your blanks there. :)

It's very cool for you to think so much of this nice man, and to know that there is someone there who you'd love to see come play with us again and heal from his traumas! You talked about bringing him hope, and have to say that perhaps that IS the key. If he feels HOPE, then he'll have to open himself to feeling what it takes to begin healing. Hope really is that nagging little thing that drags a lot of us back into the light, I think.

Take care? Hope we hear more-and hope you that your friend is lucky to have you!

Anni

 

[StayingStrong]

Hi Anni,

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

I'll try not to fall into making him a "project". I want so badly to be there for him, but unfortunately recently I haven't been very consistent, as you say your husband was.

There are days where the moment I see him I feel like I've been punched in the gut: and I withdraw immediately. The hurt is still fresh for me: I can't seem to put it away. It's awful because it seems as if he senses this and then feels guilty for not being able to do anything about it. I know he doesn't need this on top of what he deals with on a daily basis. I suck.

I just feel so alone, sometimes, because I can't quite describe this dynamic to anyone and the resulting anguish I often feel. Clearly I need to work on myself, too. Just being able to write this all out here helps, though. Really. And all your feedback is fantastic and helpful. I almost feel like now there's a direction to go, for us both. =)

~SS

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear StayingStrong,

We all make mistakes; I wouldn't go hard on yourself.

Could that feeling (punched in the gut) originate from resentment (which usually begins with expectations that ended in disappointment)? Or possibly worry?

I believe it will sort itself out. Time and ample patience are needed for all, for things to stabilize. It's a steep learning curve, for all of us.

Btw, I can only speak for myself, but I don't believe a "carer" has to always be "up". As long as it's not directed at a sufferer for no apparent reason, that helps, but we are all human. It helps (me) to know that.

 

[anni]

Oh yes!

What Junebug said is so right! The carer can't possibly always be 'up'! You're a completely seperate person, with your own life, likes, loves and concerns that are totally independent from him. You SO owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, and if your distress communicates itself to him then it's 'on him'. It's part of 'our' healing that we have to learn to deal with both our reponsibilites to others in our lives and how not to allow various emotional triggers to run us over. I'm not saying it's a GOOD thing for 'us', but it's part of life, and unrealistic to try to 'protect' him from whatever consequences have arisen from you two having met. There are GOOD results also, remember! :) Please don't allow yourself to feel the 'I suck' thing for seeing his pain. Having compassion for his pain is a lovely thing- having so much empathy for his pain that you are drawn in to your own detriment is damaging to YOU. :) It's hard, I know, but please do take care of yourself and don't feel awful for your perfectly normal emotions in this case.

It sounds like 2 very nice people met, just plain REALLY liked each other and had a lot of hope for something special. He's been traumatized and can't go any further and wow I'll have to bet that hurts SO much! I know it's usually a 'line' when someone says 'it's not you, it's me' when breaking off a relationship, but he's probably being as up front as he can with the PTSD in this case. Who knew THAT line could be real? :) I have to say I do rather admire the guy for being able to say that much instead of doing another PTSD 'thing', which is complete and utter avoidance of the entire uncomfortable situation.

You both sound very honest and caring. Be as strong as you can in yourself, please, and clear-sighted as to both your postitions while caring for him, or coexisting with him as a friend/girlfriend/supporter. It's very nice to hear you like each other irrespective of the PTSD, because GOD there really IS life outside of this dam thing!

Take care, and heal, and hopefully have some fun along the way!

Anni

Regardless of where it goes, you both were gifted with someone you each value, outside of the dam PTSD.

 

[StayingStrong]

Thanks, you two.

Junebug,
I've thought about this before, and I've determined that no, I've never felt any sort of anger or resentment toward him, just sadness. It hurts to see him (or anyone) suffer like this.

Anni,
It's true, he has gotten far enough to verbalize how he feels (or doesn't feel, in this case), but now he's showing a bit of avoidance, as well. I probably shouldn't have told him how I felt, because now he probably feels like he doesn't need to do much to keep me interested: for example, not responding at all to me anymore.

I've decided for now I'm going to take a break from this situation, because I am hurting too badly and too often: my mostly positive outlook is suffering. I don't know how else to explain it, other than my soul hurts. I feel no more happiness around him. If he ever decides he needs outside help, preferably from a professional, I will be more than encouraging. But until he comes to me directly for my friendship, I will respect his unspoken wishes and stay away. I wish you well, R.

Thank you all for your fantastic advice and encouragement. Maybe this isn't the end of our story, but for now, for me, I need it to be.

Take care of yourselves.

~SS

 

[StayingStrong]

(By the way, I know it sounds like all this took place within a week or so, but unfortunately it's been like this for many months now). I've given this a lot of thought, and I know it sounds like I'm giving up easily.

But I'm cracking. I'm losing myself.

 

[amethist]

Hi StayingStrong

I have read all your posts so far, and as a carer myself I understand how hard it is, as I care for my husband.

Do not think you are giving up, more taking time out to find your own peace of mind. You need to have the skin of a rhino and and the patience of a saint to be able to hang in with all this entails.

This next bit may sound harsh, but it is just a bit of honest advice for you. Please put your own needs first, or you will keep on feeling as you do. Don't wait for him to call you or reach out, you could wait for ever. By all means help him when and if he asks, but until then live your own life for you.

We will help and support you, whatever you decide to do, just remember you must look after you, or you will not be in a good place in yourself.

Amethist

 

[helena]

Hi Staying Strong,

Have only just come across your posts and can see you have had some really good responses. I don't think I can add anything better in the way of advice or opinion but just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum (I am very inquisitive too so don't worry)

Btw, I am a carer of a man with combat ptsd and we were together before he became ill. We have been together a very long time and it has taken me an equally long time to realise that the man I first knew is unlikely to come back due to the vast amount of brain trauma he has endured. I still get glimpses which fill my heart full of love and hope... but there is just too much damage done and I am beginning to accept that now.

This forum and the sufferers and carers have helped me understand what ptsd is and guide me in how to manage it, deal with it etc. I am sure you will get the same help, advice and support too.

Look forward to seeing you around the forum :hello:

Helena

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Staying

As I read your posts and the response of others, a question came to mind: Are you trying too hard to make someone - whether he has PTSD or not - to like you enough to start a relationship?

I find people - sufferers, carers and others - are sometimes too quick to blame ordinary life situations and problems all on PTSD, abuse, etc.

For example, some people think: "oh my better half had a traumatic experience and, ever since that trauma, he/she doesn't want to be with me, so it's got to be because of PTSD!!"

Perhaps it is in many or most cases, but sometimes a person is affected so deeply (spiritually, philosophically, etc) by the traumas that they just look at life or their own situations more seriously and decide to make changes, one being to end a relationship which they have come to realize is no longer meaningful, especially if they came close to death.

In my experience, having lived for some numbness for 50 years, I can honestly say that I feel things that are very, very deep. I'm not dead inside. It's just that that every day feeling of joy non-traumatized people feel is latent. And if something emotional happens in my life, either I feel it deeply (great love, sadness, pain, compassion, etc) right away, or I go on auto-pilot, go through what I have to go through, and only allow my true feelings to surface once the situation as resolved itself. It's a survival mechanism; an automatic behavioral and physiological protective response of the brain/body.

That said, the greatest service someone can do for sufferers of any illness, especially mental illness or, in the case of PTSD, overwhelming psychological injuries, is to become informed. You are doing this and that is wonderful. Too often, people form opinions based on ignorance and prejudices, and conclude they understand not only what ails someone, but how they were affected, and worse, what will "fix" them.

You are being a true friend to this man. Trying to learn how to help him by being there for him when he falls or feels judged is the greatest gift you can give someone. But as Anni states, don't make him a project. That's his job.

Invest your time and efforts in him wisely, always knowing that friendship may be the only thing that will come from such efforts.

Be the friend he probably needs and maybe more will come of it, but also withdraw for periods of time if it becomes too much for you.

Johnny