Unsure.

[StayingStrong]

Hi all,

Update: he loves me. I am "everything he has ever wanted." =)

I am not sure if I'm more thrilled in knowing this or more relieved that it turns out I'm not completely insane for holding on to a sliver of hope. I'm also terrified, because I'm not sure he's ready to step into an "us," yet, though he says he "doesn't want to lose me."

He hates himself because he feels no motivation nor enthusiasm for life, and continues to feel numb. Is this a common thing for sufferers, to hate themselves? How do you all overcome this, (and what can a carer do to help)?

I am okay with preparing for battle (waiting, being there for him, etc.), but I need to know he's willing to fight for himself, too. We are young and I am in no rush whatsoever. I want him to feel good about himself...hell, I simply want him to "like" himself again.

This is a recent revelation and I hope I can bring even better news in the future!

Thanks for the encouragement, all!

~SS

 

[Johnnyboy]

I can understand that numbness. It's what I do to function, and I don't think anymore it is just psychological. I think there is real rewiring of the nervous system to bypass feelings. Almost everyone I knew is dead. I don't know him, I'm not him. But I don't hate myself. I wouldn't assume he hates himself either. For me, there are things I just know I can't do.

I am sometimes a little sorry that I just can't give what the woman who cares for me most wants. I told her that years ago. It's just not possible for me to trust. Years in the field, betrayal, having my life threatened by women who got close to me. Things I can't discuss. I care for her and she knows that completely. She trusts me, but that's about as far as it can go now. I trust her also. She's a good person who has had her own hard times.

I know what it feels like to have no motive, no sense of direction anymore. I'm remembering looking out the window of a kitchen apartment and thinking, "You have to do something. It doesn't matter. Just choose a direction and do something worthwhile." So I did. Sometimes I flip coins to make huge life decisions. Sometimes I do what the flip says, sometimes I do something else because seeing it go the "wrong way" shows me what I wanted. I never hated myself for it.

I'd tend to guess that hating himself is probably a deep sense of wanting a direction, but that's just a guess. He'll know eventually. Doing "something" though is better than nothing.

And yeah, you have to take care of yourself too. But if you love him, well, that's it then. Ok.
Don't let him act out on you or get into beating you up. It won't help him. If you care for him, cut that off pronto. Treat it like dealing with a bad tempered cat. Can't let the cat get into a pattern of bad behavior. (Just in case that happens.) There are very primitive things going on, and I think what we call PTSD is an ancient adaptation to living in danger, also the long term burnout that happens from being overamped for years.

 

[StayingStrong]

I know what it feels like to have no motive, no sense of direction anymore. I'm remembering looking out the window of a kitchen apartment and thinking, "You have to do something. It doesn't matter. Just choose a direction and do something worthwhile." So I did. Sometimes I flip coins to make huge life decisions. Sometimes I do what the flip says, sometimes I do something else because seeing it go the "wrong way" shows me what I wanted. I never hated myself for it.

My heart aches for you. For all of you, who are affected by PTSD. I cannot begin to imagine what it's like to have endured what you all have and then to function afterward. You all are so brave.

I'd tend to guess that hating himself is probably a deep sense of wanting a direction, but that's just a guess. He'll know eventually. Doing "something" though is better than nothing.

I think this is exactly the case. He also hates himself because he thinks he isn't worth anything, and certainly "not enough" to get involved with me (or anyone). It's so sad because he hides it extremely well: his friends comment that they've never seen him without a huge grin on his face. (I'm not sure how many of them know.) Hell, I was initially attracted to his deep, hearty, throw-your-head-back laugh. Which explains why I was totally shocked to find out he suffers, and pretty badly, at that.

I wish he would do "something." I haven't seen him in person since he admitted he loves me (two weeks). I understand the avoidance is common, and I certainly don't want to pressure him into anything, but it would be nice if he was willing to talk openly with me. I hope he isn't getting worse by not seeking help...especially with "me" as an added stress in the balance.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Sorry if I haven't responded to all of you individually, but all your words mean a lot to me, as always.

~SS