Upset At Family Gathering

[WillowMarie]

Tonight I was with my mum and younger brother, older brother and his fiance. We were playing UNO and my younger brother made some comments that my mum found rude and she smacked my little brother in the shoulder/arm. I didn't really see it happen, but the fiance was like, giggling, did she just smack you? My mum laughed and said he deserved it.

I felt myself dissociating. I was feeling really upset and my mind starting to race. After the end of the game, I excused myself to go cat sit, which I did need to do around that time. I had things racing through my mind like, he didn't deserve that. Is that why she didn't say anything the couple of times I remember my dad being physical with my younger brother and I? Did she think we deserved that??

I came back and told my mum I wanted to talk to her because I knew we all would be hanging out for a bit longer and wanted to get it off of my chest. I went to her bedroom with her and, even though I was feeling very nervous and as a result dissociative, I managed to mutter that, I felt angry that she smacked my little brother and then said that he deserved it.

I knew she would say she was sorry, which she did, to which I said, you don't need to say sorry to me. She replied she was just joking, that she didn't really smack him hard. But she would tell him that she was sorry for me. If I wasn't so dissociated and I could think, I probably would have went off on her. But I couldn't think, so I just left the room.

And my brothers just left, and she came to tell me that she did tell my younger brother that she was sorry for smacking him. That she did it for me. Only because I wanted her to. Which made me feel angry because she should do it because she felt it was out of line, the fact that she told him he deserved it. But she was only doing it to make me feel better, which means she wasn't sincere.



It was very important to me to talk to my mum because I was upset I didn't say anything in the moment because I felt like my brother deserved someone to stand up for him. The moment happened, I dissociated, and the moment passed. I felt guilty about that, but I knew I still could say something to my mum and express myself. So I did.


Please be gently if you don't agree with how I handled this. I am already having my head tell me not to say anything to anyone because I have been told before I over react and people don't understand me. I am feeling guilty and ashamed. Maybe it is from being the situation being minimized and not being validated. I don't know. I am looking for support and comfort. If you don't agree with what I did, please be kind about it...

 

[elisabeth]

Good job. :)

 

[franciemarnie]

You did fabulous. When I have dissociated most of my life, it isn't until days later that I come out of it and realize what happened. You recognized what was going on as it happened and took action nearly immediately! Going off on her wouldn't have accomplished anything. You told the truth and the truth quietly spoken screams. Bravo!

 

[DMerish]

I know that folks do it, but I just don't get it :-o

I don't know if I'll ever entirely understand why some folks think/feel smacking another person is appropriate, funny or joking, or that someone should "deserve it"? I've definitely thought about the why though, because it's the type of behavior my ex's family displayed with each other. The adult aunts and uncles would also hold down and tickle my young children to the point of crying, anger, peeing their pants and embarrassment, then laugh afterwards and exclaim, dismissive comments like, "Oh, don't be mad. We were just playing. Com'on, don't be such a _____".

In IMO smacking tells me the smacker wants to express power over the other person. And when the smacker defends their behavior on "they deserved it" it indicates to me that the smacker is incapable of viewing their actions objectively. What's more, your mom apologizing to your brother "for you" was disingenuous and meaningless.

I think you handled the situation absolutely perfectly, maturely and with courage. Your dissociation interfered with the possibility of making a big deal out of it the matter, which your mom probably would have reacted to with negativity and then try to transfer that negativity on to you. In short, you did great!

You can't change other people, but when things like you described happen and you call someone out on their poor behavior, after a while, sometimes, eventually the person might begin to wonder about themselves and their behavior - but sometimes not.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

At first I thought what's the big deal? Maybe it was a playful smack? But then I realized that you're a better judge of the situation and as such, I don't think you overreacted but handled the situation quite well.

Yes, I'm guilty of the occasional playful smack....but usually it's like a flirtatious smack on the arse and it's known that it's sexual in nature, but I digress. I don't smack anyone otherwise. I don't think it's appropriate behavior.

I think that sometimes the person dishing out the abuse doesn't even see it as abuse. Maybe your mom was at the receiving end and this is her way of minimizing what happened to her?

 

[Britt.f7]

I've playfully smacked people, including my children, but it was never in a hurtful way. It never caused pain. I think this is what your mother was doing, however, it struck a nerve in you. I think you had every right to say something. If you came up to me and said what you had to after such an incident, I would understand that it meant something to you and taken that to heart. I think your mom tried to, even though she obviously didn't understand what the big deal was. It is good that you stood up, no matter how difficult it was. I know it is not easy to do that.

So there is no negativity here. Kudos to you for understanding what your need was.

 

[WillowMarie]

At first I thought what's the big deal? Maybe it was a playful smack?

I just had therapy this morning, and this is what my therapist thinks. I don't think she approved that I approached my mum about it. near the end of the appointment, she even said it is just going to push my mum away. Which I responded, I don't care, if she's going to be like that, I don't want to be close to her.

She said I was reacting to something in the past and that my brother didn't need me to stand up for him. That he could do it for himself. I don't see it that way because if I want to stand up for someone, I will. I even told bullies at school when I was young to stop making fun of people. It is just who I am.

I get what she is saying about reacting to some trauma or something. I know I felt protective over my younger brother when I was younger, but I don't remember why. But that doesn't mean I can just sit there and watch stuff like this happen.

I had a very emotional session. I was trying not to cry because it is uncomfortable with me. I started to pull cat hair off of my sweater near the wrists, and little pieces of fuzz. I was looking down at my hands, playing with my nails, and staring at the carpet. She would try to ask me things and my mind was blank and I kept trying to repeat what she asked inside my head, but nothing would come to my head for an answer. She told me I need to work harder at looking around the room next time when I feel like that because it looked like I would get into a trance while doing this.

I know letting my emotions come out is something I need to work on. It has always been difficult to me. She was trying to talk to me about why it is hard for me. I can't really explain. I think I feel vulnerable. It just doesn't feel safe.

She was also saying, after saying that my brother didn't need me to stand up for him, that I shouldn't have stood up for him when I was younger. That brought on more of the emotions, and I was instantly starting to cry again and protested that, because I would never in a million years take back comforting my brother or, yelling at my dad the one time I remember him smacking my brother and my mum and older brother didn't do anything. She had to rephrase it a bit, saying that I shouldn't of had to stand up for him. Which I can accept a bit more because him and I shouldn't have been put in situations like that.

There was another thing that hit me and caught me off guard. I didn't write about this part because I didn't think it was important, but when I came back from cat sitting, I noticed that my family had eaten dessert while I was gone. I felt the emotions spark up again and questioned, did you guys eat dessert while I was gone?!?! They did and my oldest brother said, well, we had to fill the time with something while you were gone. I took a few minutes to calm down and then asked my mum to talk.

I had thought, that when I was upset after the dessert, it just brought up the emotions I was previously feeling. But my therapist had other thoughts. She had asked what it would mean that they ate dessert without me, and I said I would feel left out. My therapist said, do you think that this brought up feelings of feeling left out when your mum would spend time with the boys during boy scouts? (she was a scout leader) yea, I could feel myself start to cry again...

That kind of shocked me. What the heck happened? I was like, how the heck did she remember that? Where did she come up with that??

In IMO smacking tells me the smacker wants to express power over the other person. And when the smacker defends their behavior on "they deserved it" it indicates to me that the smacker is incapable of viewing their actions objectively. What's more, your mom apologizing to your brother "for you" was disingenuous and meaningless.

I can definitely see that she felt powerless and resorted to doing that because she was mad. My younger brother likes to make sexual jokes a lot (like he wants to get laid or some random outburst that my older brother and I laugh at). My mother gets offended (which what makes his outbursts extra funny...) because she doesn't think you should talk openly like that. I spent my junior high and high school with my mum teaching me that I shouldn't let guys touch me or kiss me, that I shouldn't want that. At least that is how I heard it. She made me feel dirty that I had willing hugged my boyfriend of a year on and off hugged me close.

I mean, seriously, she can be an adult and tell him "I feel very uncomfortable when you make sexual jokes because it is a serious/private thing to me. I will put in this boundary if you do not respect that." But of course she would rather not be an adult about it and avoids conflict. (Before everyone thinks I am so harsh.... I have a lot of anger for my mum being so passive because my dad was so aggressive. There was a time when my younger brother told me he over heard my mum say to my dad that maybe he shouldn't yell at us. I remember not believing my younger brother when he told me, that it couldn't be true...)

And I agree the apology was meaningless since she did it "for me." It sounds childish to me.

I think you handled the situation absolutely perfectly, maturely and with courage.

Thank you :) I still don't agree with my therapist thinking I didn't need to approach my mum about it, even if it was more on the "playful" side.

I think that sometimes the person dishing out the abuse doesn't even see it as abuse. Maybe your mom was at the receiving end and this is her way of minimizing what happened to her?

Minimizing is her middle name... :/

When I tried to have a family session over the summer talking to her about what I remember, she made excuses that it wasn't as bad as I remembered.

"well, *if* dad ever hit you guys, it wasn't *that* often."

"Dad didn't yell *all* the time, he would let it build up and then let it out."

(and on why I don't remember her standing up for me or my brothers) "well, *if* I ever said anything to your dad, he *probably* wouldn't listen anyway. He would *probably* think he was right."

I feel like she doesn't take me seriously or understand where I am coming from. That she thinks I over react. Ugh, I am not looking forward to next week because my therapist said we are going to keep talking about that. I have tried telling her I don't want my mum to be close to me because she is not capable of validating my feelings. My mum doesn't like conflict and would rather push things under the rug and ignore it. And I have already told my mum what things will be helpful for her to say to me if I want to talk to her, to help comfort me. But I have talked to her since and she still minimizes and doesn't validate even the small things I have chosen to share, so I have no interest to keep trying.

I would rather give up and put it behind me, than to have to be reminded that she doesn't understand me, or care about my feelings and take them seriously.

I told my therapist I would rather not have people in my life instead of having people like my mum in my life.




I feel like apologizing for my rambling and expressing so much (which I know I shouldn't/don't need to! but I feel like I do). I know there was a lot more than just in response to the situation last night, but I wanted to get it out and say it all.

 

[elisabeth]

Don't feel bad for expressing your feelings about it to your mother! Even if it wasn't necissary for your brother it seems like it was necissary for you to get that off your chest for your own peace of mind. Just remember that our therapists are just as human as we are. They aren't you. They are good guides (sometimes) but don't take their words as law! Its all about perspective.