Using People

[Innordinate]

Does anyone else find that they use people only for their benefit?

I have a really good friend. She's a good friend because somehow she always managed to keep me focused on the present and can usually pull me out of whatever crappy negative thoughts I was having at the time. I don't think she really knows anything about PTSD or what I go through - I don't want to tell her most things because it would probably scare her away and when I do vent to her, usually because I'm pissed off at something or really depressed at the time she doesn't know how to respond. I get really frustrated and annoyed at her when she can't help anymore. Like it's her job to do something about it.

I know I probably stress her out more than anything and she has her own problems to deal with everyday but..

Lately I haven't told her much of anything, I'm trying not to, because I can't help feel like I'm using her completely for my own benefit. I even warned her not long after meeting her that I would ruin her life. Now I feel like I am but can't stop myself from keeping her on a string and pulling her back in when I need her.

It's definately not a benefit to her to have me as a friend. I do nothing for her other than add to her stress.

Does anyone else use people this way or have and how did you stop?

 

[MurphyJB]

I'm really not stalking your posts, I promise.

I've had friends like this before. Eventually she will get burned out, and probably have to walk away from your friendship. She may end up resenting you, and may not. But if she's anything like me, even if she walks away...she'll always come back if you really need her.
Sorry, that doesn't answer your question at all...

 

[shimmerz]

We all need a support system and I think that if we find someone who can help support us we are naturally drawn to them. I think @MurphyJB is correct in saying this woman will more than likely burn out after time. I don't think you are using her, it is just that so few people have the time or inclination or empathy to understand let alone reach out a hand. It almost becomes maybe a desperate thing...almost like a 'please understand me....please hear me thing'. It is just so lonely.

 

[The Albatross]

If you think you're using her, you are.

 

[shimmerz]

Wow @The Albatross. That seems like a harsh statement to me. The OP stated that they were good friends. Using is when you take and don't give. Perhaps there have been times that this friend was 'given to' very much as well by the Poster. It feels like that was a blanket statement with little facts. My advice would be to the Poster to ask her friend if her issues are too much for her and try to be sensitive to her friend and see if there are cues that it is too much. If possible give back (although this is difficult if the PTSD is severe).

 

[Philippa]

You're assuming he gives back though shimmerz when there are no facts to back your belief up. Innordinate said it himself...that he is using her and hasn't mentioned any times that he has been giving back to her. When someone says they are using someone, they probably are.

It may sound harsh, but he's even admitting that he is using her! He's even said that when she can't fix his problems he gets annoyed and frustrated with her, as though it's her job to make it all better, when it really isn't in reality. He hasn't mentioned any sign of giving back to her.

Innordinate, do you feel that you give back to this woman in any way which is what a friend would do?

My take is that we all use people...and that's not a bad thing, as long as when we do it, both parties get something out of the exchange. Using someone in a bad way is when the other person gets nothing back or nothing from the relationship, and gives and gives and the other person just takes and gives nothing back. If you feel that you give something back at least, then it's not using in a bad sense.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi @Philippa. I understand what you are saying although I don't think I was assuming he gives back to her I just suggested that perhaps in the past he had provided support to her. Things are not always equal at all times when it comes to expending energy on others at exactly the same time. I like to use the term energy exchange rather than 'using' (using has such a bad connotation to me) but perhaps that is just semantics.

I do agree that getting annoyed and frustrated is not a good sign, although PTSD is annoying and frustrating and it is hard not to spill over to those that we love when there is so much caught up inside of us. Someone who is helping deserves gratitude. Without the gratitude for her efforts she is bound to burn out - that is not necessarily using but instead could be remedied by an awareness on @Innordinate's side that he needs to be more mindful of his friend's efforts to help him. Showing gratitude towards our support people is such an important thing. It can make us or break us as alienation from others makes chances of recovery much less likely.

 

[The Albatross]

First off this is an old post. 2011. Second off I know Mark reasonably well and felt comfortable saying it. Third off Philippa is right as well. Sometimes it is most beneficial to cut the crap and feed back someone's own words.

 

[Philippa]

I don't know. It seems to me that you are trying to make this all right and make his behaviour something it may or may not be? You are saying he is just being hard on himself...and he may well be. It feels like you are trying to make him ok and right, instead of letting him fess up about something he feels is wrong in his behaviour?

yes, PTSD is a frustrating and annoying disorder, but innordinate said he gets frustrated and annoyed at her for not being able to fix his problems..which doesn't sound like PTSD to me...it just sounds like it's like he is saying...he is placing unrealistic demands on her and expecting her to be responsable for making him better...which isn't really fair.

I think he knows better about how he is truly behaving than you do.

 

[Philippa]

Seriously, this is from 2011?

Can you check the dates first before re-hashing an old thread please.

 

[The Albatross]

I honestly didn't notice until after I replied due to Shimmerz post yesterday. I don't have a delete option so I left it.

 

[Philippa]

At least you did notice Alba. :D

Total waste of time.