Validation

[Nighthawk]

It seems I often get worse when getting validation its as if validation is a trigger all on its own. Does anyone else experiance this or have any thoughts. I think this has my T dumb founded. Trying to figure it out.

 

[Justmehere]

Validation can be a huge trigger for me. It makes it all the more real. I don't want to be invalidated, and yet I also wish that none of what I went through was really as bad as it was.

 

[Friday]

Sympathy makes my teeth itch. It's not useful to me, and worse, pisses me off. I know it sucked. I was there. Let's do this thing, not get lost in a swamp of how awful, or of course you blah blah blah blah.

I stay off most of the validation threads, for just this reason. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm not lying. Here's the foundation: I'm not lying. I know it. So can we actually work with what's happened instead of telling me it happened? Forward. It's that way. Let's do this!

 

[Nighthawk]

I guess it feels kinda dismisive and minimizing to some degree. I hate it and tend to get really angry.

 

[illusionist]

Is validation sympathy?...just thinking out loud. For instance my older brothers validated some of my memories by fact. No emotions were brought into it. Sympathy is an emotion? Validation is a fact? Sympathy towards myself I detest but validation strengthened me.

 

[Friday]

Lol... I wondered if someone would catch that. Nope. Validation isn't always sympathy. It's just the side of validation that drives me crazy ;) . Also, the two are wed far more often than I'd like. (Granted, that's ever, but I'd roughly estimate about 90% of the time). On either side of the line... Either in the person speaking or hearing, simple acknowledgment isn't good enough. They have to ooze sympathy for their words to carry weight. Even if their actions clearly prove otherwise. (Case in point, if I've gashed open my leg, the doc suturing me up isn't invalidating the injury by not you poor thing, you'ing me. The act of suturing is the validation.)

 

[illusionist]

Yes I understand what you say Friday jones....if someone puts validation and sympathy into the one sentence I won't see the validation, I will just freak out at the sympathy....I am learning though, to break it up. An extreme example..if someone said to me " you stink" I'd probably have a sniff then agree and feel deeply embarrassed. If someone said " you stink, I know you don't have access to soap and water, must be awful,"........I'd freak out as I would only hear the sympathy. Btw I don't stink ha.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm starting to feel like I need a cheat sheet so I can remember who here wants to be sympathized with and who doesn't. Here's my disclaimer: I'm doing my best and apologize in advance if I get it wrong!

 

[Hope4Now]

Validation, sympathy...all a big mess for me. I kind of want both because I've never had either. But freak at both too for the reasons others have said. All very triggering and I'm never sure why...I want it, I don't want it. Come here, understand me, please. Go away, you'll hate me if you do. And I hate you too because I have to push you away before you push me away. Ugh. What a mess.

 

[Friday]

Our likes & dislikes are not on you @sun seeker! You be yourself. :D It's up to each of us to take what we like & discard the rest / parse things according to how we can put them to use, you know? I love the phrase 'opinion diversity'. It's what makes this place such a rich & diverse wealth of resources. One person likes a hug, one a laugh, one a cry... Doesn't make any of those 3 things wrong. They're just different. Some need validation, others don't, and others it makes things worse. You can't get it wrong. And it's not your responsibility to be what someone else wants.

 

[joeylittle]

Validation is when someone affirms that what you are feeling/discussing is true.

Sympathy is when someone affirms that what you are talking about is difficult or sad or a struggle of some kind.

So, when I tell my T that I'm terrified I'll never get better and he says "I absolutely understand why it looks that way to you. You have many reasons to be afraid and not many to combat your fear with" - that's validation (to me). It's like a reflection of my own thought and reminds me I'm not crazy.

If I tell him that same thing and he says, "that must be so hard for you", he's doing sympathy - just confirming that I feel bad.

Sometimes I'm ok with that, but rarely.

I think many many therapists misunderstand what validation is and they end up expressing sympathy. Empathy would be making it too much about themselves - so it accidentally becomes sympathy, which is generally more distancing (in my experience anyway)

 

[sun seeker]

@joeylittle, that was a very helpful post. I was looking for a piece of it to quote but really want to comment on the whole thing. You just cleared something up for me. I stress ME, since I do like to be validated. In your two examples, the first (validation) requires that the person doing the validating actually be paying attention to what is going on for the other person in order to reflect it in that much detail. The second (sympathy) is an easy response that reads like something I'd suspect the therapist might have learned in Therapy 101. It doesn't require really listening to the other person. It's a lazy form of communication, the kind of trite phrase one could dole out in one's sleep. I don't think it's just the two examples you chose, either. To validate someone you have to be present with them. To sympathize you just have to make the right noises. No wonder it's more distancing.