Vent about dating: Where are the nice safe partners?! How do I find them?

[Rugby02]

Too funny! How do you handle the mansplaining?

 

[Montgomery]

Men are generally trash unfortunately. Focus on other things.

 

[EveHarrington]

How do you handle the mansplaining?

Just walk away, disengage.

 

[somerandomguy]

Men are generally trash unfortunately.

Reported. @SHIKI - remember that men also use this site, please. I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy reading sexist posts about women.

 

[blackemerald1]

Returning to the OP... I get where you are at JMH and am in the same boat.

I don't know where they're hiding either (the good ones) - Maybe they're scared of being killed in the stampede by all of us 'decent' potential partners?? :wacky:

 

[scout86]

I don't know...... A good friend told me awhile back that my problem, when it comes to relationships is that I "scare people". (He meant male people. LOL) He hastened to add that I don't scare HIM, but, apparently, some people I do. He couldn't explain why. I'm not sure what you do about something like that.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'd ignore it if I were you. If he cannot explain it, what good is that supposed info to you? @scout86

 

[Pale Mpress Kitty]

I found that for me, what I had to do was reassess for myself what the characteristics were that i deemed a "good man/woman" would have. That was part of my self therapy - to start had a loooooong long list of things of Good Person Characteristics. Then I went down the list and changed the Does Not's into Does.
e.g. "Does not use racial slurs" became "Does treat everyone equally regardless of skin tone/creed/religion/etc".
"Does not abuse or threaten animals" became "Respects the space and behaviour of all animals, wild or family members".

After breaking up with abusive boyfriend #2 I also wrote myself a list called "The Man I Marry". It was full of serious and silly things, or aspects of the kind of person I wanted to end up with in the long run. [Some examples are: does not have to love tea, but will learn how I like mine. Is nice to waiters and waitresses. Will not threaten my cat, even if he doesn't like cats.] I wrote it over the course of a week. It was oddly cathartic, seeing where my needs were and seeing what matched up with the Good Person list. 3 years later I met my husband. He ticked off every bloody item on that list.

I put a lot of trust in finding the right person for me over time, and not putting the stress on myself to find one NOW. The one relationship I could fix and nurture was the one with myself. I figured, if I didn't treat myself right, how can I expect someone else to treat me the right way?

I dunno. This is kind of all over the place. Haha.

 

[blackemerald1]

I "scare people".

Really?? But he's so brave right?? :oops:

How does he know this? Has he asked these ppl? Read their minds?

Maybe it's good that ppl are a little bit scared of you.. maybe you have strong boundaries, good standards & won't put up with jerks...

Who are these ppl anyway?

I'm not sure what you do about something like that.

Nothing!! ;) You cannot control what other people think - particularly something so 'out there'. Scared???

You are perfectly ok the way you are. :)

I'm right into this notion at the moment... don't try and change me...don't correct me....don't lecture me...and yeah control your own dam feelings/thinking/behaviour.
lol :wacky: :hilarious:

 

[scout86]

I'd ignore it if I were you

No, that wouldn't be reasonable. He's a good friend, he's known me a long time and knows me as well as anyone does. I asked him a question and he thought about it and gave me his answer. I ran this by my T. He said that he could see it. That I have a "certain intensity" that's one of the things HE likes about me, but that it's something that everyone isn't going to like and some people might find intimidating.

That's something I try to keep in mind. We're all different and we all have things we like and are comfortable with, and the opposite too. We're shaped by our experiences. Some of us live out on the end of a bunch of bell shaped curves and the number of other people who live there is smaller than it is under fat part of the curve. It's not right or wrong/ good or bad, it just is what it is.

 

[Never_falter2]

I guess my advice might not be very good because I am from another culture but my advice if a friend from my own country asked me would be this:

1. Maybe online dating is really not the best idea to meet people. If I was a unsafe guy I would be on online dating or anywhere else where nobody knew me. I think it would be better to meet through church, a sport, a charity or something like this where other people know him to and know what he is like
2. Ask him a number of questions about his family, friends, work etc, find out if what he says is true. I deleted something because of anonymity (told several people offline) but here is the less detailed version: long ago I had a guy asking me for a date who had lied about personal stuff, when I found out of course I told him to get lost. Happy I did not trust him, but tried to find out if it was true.
3. Have high standards, tell yourself that you are the prize and you will only accept guys who are X and Y and Z (whatever X, Y and Z) may be. If you have high standards it attracts guys. If a guy comes who is not X and Y and Z but still very nice you can still lower you standards.
4. Maybe you see things as red flags that aren’t. That was my experience. I am not telling you to be foolish but I made a bad experience to and that made me see things as red flags that weren’t red flags in the past. Be careful, but be careful not to be to careful.

 

[Skywatcher]

Never read this thread while falling asleep. The dream I just had! I’ve been married for quite awhile (prior to when internet dating was even a thing! and prior to mental illness.) I met my husband unexpectedly at a hobby we both enjoy in a community group. A friend of mine recently went through a bunch of assholes online until she met “the one.” They lived together for about a year and just got married this weekend. Another friend of mine is not having any luck. She is a professional musician and has been surrounded by gay men friends. She was so career focused at the time many find their 1st person and now she is in her 30’s. She has no desire to be a mom. She is still in the “kid window” so that is limiting. I think, in some ways, the men that want kids or had kids and settled down at some point are less selfish overall, but I may just be projecting my own experience. I actually know someone that fits what you are looking for, but alas... don’t think that will work in internet land. My point, friends may be a good way for meeting others. I’m just looking at it from the old fashioned way. I think that you must be in a healthy place if you are in dating mode, so good on you for that! ?