I just dont know how much more I can take. I try to love him with everything Ive got (and as student of clinical psychology, that encompasses a lot of should-be-helpful skills in listening, compassion, communication, understanding, etc in addition to love and care), but it seems to have little to no affect on anything. I still trigger him all the time, even though I am always trying to prevent it. It seems unavoidable. I'd do anything to make him feel better or at ease, even if it was only a fraction of the times. On top of feeling totally ineffective, he really doesn't seem to appreciate all my efforts at all. I know they make SOME difference because I'm pretty sure most people would have a much more negative effect on him (so at least I am less bad than most people...?). But he acts like I don't do anything- that all of my endless efforts to accommodate him, show him unconditional love and support, be understanding and forgiving, go out of my way to "build him up" (with encouraging comments and compliments), listen to him about whats stressing him out (and bite my tongue the whole time because if I say anything 90% of the time it makes him a lot more upset with no warning or going back), hold back the questions and comments that might bother him, try to work my life around his needs, patiently wait for promised chores to be done (but often never are), bite my tongue when he snaps because I know he doesnt mean it, on and on.... None of that means anything to him? I'm happy to do all that but all I ask is to be acknowledged and appreciated a bit. I want to love him, I want to support him, but I'm dying for the tiniest bit of praise.
At the same time, he has become SO distant. He's been progressively more and more distant for years. I remember I fell in love with him because he struck me as the sweetest man I had ever met. He was so romantic. It's so far away now, I dont even really remember what it was like. I feel like he is two different people. God, I just want him back so bad. Even if it was only half the time.. that would be so much better. He has been gone so long, I truly feel like I am living with a shell. He is right there but the real him is so far away, locked inside. Nearly all the things about him that I fell in love with are locked away, its been like this for years now. He refuses to seek help, because he thinks he has tried it all and it hasnt worked. Except that when he tried every method he's tried, he literally would try it so sporadically (cancelling meetings every other week, or multiple appointments in a row because of money or stress or time) that I feel like that is the true cause of it not working. He is able to work (although work causes him great stress due to constantly being triggered on his job because his work situation mimics his trauma, but he can't change jobs because of money). He's gone back to school to try to change fields so he won't be tortured by his work anymore. Of course, keeping up with his classes is extra hard for him and he can't take as many as he would like to at once.
For me, emotional affection (verbal warmth, praise, encouragement) is so important.. I've lasted a long time without it now, but it is really getting to me. I feel so useless to him, it makes me feel worthless. And I am generally relatively confident / have decent self-esteem. But it is really hurting. It's been hurting. But I am really getting desperate. I really didn't understand some things about him in the past (during our first few years), and I ended up doing a lot to hurt him without realizing it until it was too late (I was stupid and young and unprepared for this kind of relationship). I've done everything in my power to change myself, my behavior, and try to show that I understand (as much as I can) and want to keep learning and improving, but he doesn't know how to trust me now. Because of this, he won't listen to me when I try to suggest that he try to get help again, or when I try to tell him my needs. He thinks I am making things up, and always finds some explanation for my requests that involves me having a manipulative ulterior motive. And when he decides what he thinks my hidden motive for approaching him is, he can't be convinced out of it. I don't want to manipulate him or hurt him in any way.. I just want us both to be healthy. ...very desperately.
I feel as though I am at my wits end (probably also because there is a very large other event going on in my life at the moment too). I don't want to leave him. I want to make our relationship work, but I just feel so incredibly desperate to have some time (even just a little time, or to a reduced degree) with the sweet, romantic side of him. sometimes I need him to take care of me emotionally a little bit too. Or at least for him to believe me (!!!!!) when I try to tell him I am in pain, too, or when I try to explain that I need him to seek help. But it seems he is incapable of compassion right now. I'm sure from his vantage point, my pain seems puny compared to his. And I completely acknowledge and respect that he does have the greater burden. But, that does not mean my burden does not exist or is invalid. We fight this together, but he insists that he is alone and feels alone (no matter my darnedest attempts to be there for him always). I really feel like I am developing secondary traumatic stress, and I plan on getting myself a therapist (again) as soon as my pay increase comes.. I just wish he would take some of the things I say into account because I feel like we could handle this a lot better together, but he can't let me in (he has said before that he doesn't know how to trust me again). How can I help him and help myself???
At the same time, he has become SO distant. He's been progressively more and more distant for years. I remember I fell in love with him because he struck me as the sweetest man I had ever met. He was so romantic. It's so far away now, I dont even really remember what it was like. I feel like he is two different people. God, I just want him back so bad. Even if it was only half the time.. that would be so much better. He has been gone so long, I truly feel like I am living with a shell. He is right there but the real him is so far away, locked inside. Nearly all the things about him that I fell in love with are locked away, its been like this for years now. He refuses to seek help, because he thinks he has tried it all and it hasnt worked. Except that when he tried every method he's tried, he literally would try it so sporadically (cancelling meetings every other week, or multiple appointments in a row because of money or stress or time) that I feel like that is the true cause of it not working. He is able to work (although work causes him great stress due to constantly being triggered on his job because his work situation mimics his trauma, but he can't change jobs because of money). He's gone back to school to try to change fields so he won't be tortured by his work anymore. Of course, keeping up with his classes is extra hard for him and he can't take as many as he would like to at once.
For me, emotional affection (verbal warmth, praise, encouragement) is so important.. I've lasted a long time without it now, but it is really getting to me. I feel so useless to him, it makes me feel worthless. And I am generally relatively confident / have decent self-esteem. But it is really hurting. It's been hurting. But I am really getting desperate. I really didn't understand some things about him in the past (during our first few years), and I ended up doing a lot to hurt him without realizing it until it was too late (I was stupid and young and unprepared for this kind of relationship). I've done everything in my power to change myself, my behavior, and try to show that I understand (as much as I can) and want to keep learning and improving, but he doesn't know how to trust me now. Because of this, he won't listen to me when I try to suggest that he try to get help again, or when I try to tell him my needs. He thinks I am making things up, and always finds some explanation for my requests that involves me having a manipulative ulterior motive. And when he decides what he thinks my hidden motive for approaching him is, he can't be convinced out of it. I don't want to manipulate him or hurt him in any way.. I just want us both to be healthy. ...very desperately.
I feel as though I am at my wits end (probably also because there is a very large other event going on in my life at the moment too). I don't want to leave him. I want to make our relationship work, but I just feel so incredibly desperate to have some time (even just a little time, or to a reduced degree) with the sweet, romantic side of him. sometimes I need him to take care of me emotionally a little bit too. Or at least for him to believe me (!!!!!) when I try to tell him I am in pain, too, or when I try to explain that I need him to seek help. But it seems he is incapable of compassion right now. I'm sure from his vantage point, my pain seems puny compared to his. And I completely acknowledge and respect that he does have the greater burden. But, that does not mean my burden does not exist or is invalid. We fight this together, but he insists that he is alone and feels alone (no matter my darnedest attempts to be there for him always). I really feel like I am developing secondary traumatic stress, and I plan on getting myself a therapist (again) as soon as my pay increase comes.. I just wish he would take some of the things I say into account because I feel like we could handle this a lot better together, but he can't let me in (he has said before that he doesn't know how to trust me again). How can I help him and help myself???
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