Relationship Vicious Cycles

[Miss Lissa]

I feel like we all keep posting similar things, which is a bit of a relief in itself for me: knowing that most supporters have a similar experience.

I'm back on here because my sufferer sweetie is going through a tough time. As with most of you, it seems to ebb and flow, sometimes worse than others.

He doesn't work and is retired, which we think is probably for the best, but we live out in the country and I take the car to work so now that winter is here he's started getting cabin fever.
He's originally from the UK and we only got his permanent residency finalized a few weeks ago, so you'd think that would be great, but it was a bit anticlimactic. Last year when we applied he mentioned that we would wait until he got the permanent residency to start talking about marriage and kids, but now he's not keen on either, probably becUse he thinks he'll be a bad husband and father because of PTSD. He's said things to that effect before.
Now he's having issues with his Canadian taxes and keeps having to send them more info about his revenues and taxes paid in the UK, and this is giving him terrible rage. He rants that it's boring here, that he's bored, that the country is backwards with our stupid tax filing and threatens to go back to England. That he's given it a go here and nothing has worked out and he'd rather just go back to England. That he doesn't need this and I deserve someone better.
It hurts to see him so upset. It hurts me to hear him say these things. Especially since he already "went back to England" last year and knew the moment he got off the plane that it was a mistake. He returned a few months later saying I was what he needed and he wouldn't go back again.

Needless to say, hearing him say the things he said before he left last time is really crushing. I just want to try and have a relaxing life. I'm even upset at the Canada Revenue Agency for triggering his PTSD. He doesn't need that.

Anyway, he had a huge rant last night when I got home from work. It was so hard to listen. After he calmed down and I told him that he shouldn't make any rash decisions. He agreed, and we discussed him finding things to keep him busy. It wasn't a problem in the summer when he had lots of projects in the yard.

Anyway, I just feel helpless. I told him that I was committed to him. And that I know that his issues are what's preventing things from moving forward (ie: marriage). He agreed and said that it has nothing to do with me : he loves me and wants to be with me. I want to take all his stresses away, but I know that's not healthy or possible.

I love him and worry about him. Even today while I'm at work his good morning message is flat.

How does everyone else deal with this. It's so hard to love someone so much only to have them push you away or pull the rug out from under you one moment, to having them wake you in the middle of the night for tender lovemaking. (Perhaps a bit personal, but true and somewhat confusing)

Anyway, just thought I'd share. Whenever he goes through a rough patch, so do I.

 

[queen]

Not much to offer you, Miss Lissa, except support and understanding. This is the (not quite daily anymore but at least) weekly struggle for me as well. Some days I feel on top of the world when I see him making progress and coping with things better. Then there are the other days when it's two (or three) steps backwards. It's completely confusing and difficult. Hang in there. :hug:

 

[Panda Bear]

I am the problem causer in the relationship :meh:, and have recently been capable of viewing the hardships my spouse has had to endure more from his perspective.

It's not easy to love someone who does push, pull away, hurt, and so many other things that go against what should feel normal and good. There is no quick answer, but work has brought my relationship(over 15yrs) to a better place. Wish you didn't have to face this, as it's so irrational to outsiders. Really, it's irrational to us too, and knowing it never seems to make me any less bonkers.

Hang around, I hope you can get some comfort. This is a wacky road to travel.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I deal with things like that by adjusting my expectations. It's not for everybody... But it is what works for us.

With my vet, I'm not worried about the "steps" that traditionally happen in relationships. His actions speak louder than words. For instance there is no timetable or feelings that we need to get married at all. In my opinion (not everybody will agree) it's just symbolic, and I know he's already committed to me. If that symbol is a source for stress, then we don't need it. Our relationship is what it is. We also don't officially live together... Even though we stay with each other 99% of the time and have been together for years. I don't think him keeping his own place is an escape hatch... I just look at it as a security blanket. It makes him feel better.

I'm divorced and have already had my kids, so granted, im not in a hurry to walk that plank again either. But it seems that just going with the flow is a good thing for us.

I also look at it this way. Anybody can up and get married... This man stays with me, despite relationships being one of the scariest things for sufferers. He also does this having an immensely overwhelming need to self protect. To me that is a superhuman show of commitment.

Also, words are words. When he's down he's a "big talker and a slow walker." He vents. I only worry when he acts. It helps keep me sane.