Dom Violence Victim, Survivor, Thrivor, At A Turning Point Or Still Living It

[Nicolette]

I was just reading an article where are lady was writing about her domestic abuse situation. Her words were

The subject of being a domestic violence survivor is one that brings up many questions about overcoming domestic abuse. Those who are in abusive relationships or who have left abusive partners are often referred to as victims, former victims, or survivors. To some, they are all just terms with common meanings. To others, the terms may share a commonality in experience (domestic violence and abuse) - but they indicate a different level of progress or stage in a person's outlook on life and the role abuse is allowed or not allowed to play.

This made me wonder how members saw their situation - are you a victim, a survivor, have reached a turning point with domestic violence and are trying to break free or is are you still living in an abusive situation.

I'm going to add a Poll but would like to hear your thoughts and you would describe 'you' in relation to domestic violence (poll results are not public).

Thanks for participating.

 

[Abstract]

It's a hard one to answer for me. I detest the word victim, don't feel I have a right to call myself a survivor (I realise this is a problem and links in to some of my unhelpful reactions) and I believe I am free of this in my life now but am aware that some may believe I am not quite.

I have no idea what I would call myself but can understand the concept of peoples terminology and the progress they have made. Will have to give it a think! Poor brain.

 

[Nicolette]

I hope your "poor brain" comes up with a really positive word that works for you Abstract. It is sad that you don't feel you have the right to call yourself a survivor but you are here so in my eyes you are :)

 

[intothelight]

I responded to this poll by checking "survivor", and that is what I did, I survived the abuse.

To describe myself now, in relation to the abuse, I would use the word "thrivor". Thrive is defined as:

American Heritage Dictionary: 1. To make steady progress; prosper. 2. To grow vigorously; flourish

It took me to think about this as we all tend to view abuse in terms of victim and survivor, but I really believe there is another phase. I chose this word to describe the point that I am at, as past abuse is no long coloring my present and for the first time I am actually living life on my own terms and not those dictated by those who sought to control/break me.

 

[Nicolette]

You've convinced me Debbie - I'll add Thrivor to the poll and see if I can amend your vote.

 

[Loloma]

This is a great poll Nicolette. I do hope others find and join this forum.

I see myself as a survivor and a thrivor. I saw myself as a victim for many years and I hated it. Wallowing in self pity, where I felt trapped. To scared to move on, speak up or stand up for myself and my children. It took me so many years to move on from the fear that paralyzed me. I started a threat "Domestic abuse comes in different forms". It wasn't only about children being involved, it was also about choices we make when choosing partners.

After a very abusive relationship I chose a man that was the flip side of the coin, in every possible way. This man didn't physically abuse me, instead he deprived me of any form of affection. The first year was okay, then he withdrew himself from the relationship. He was present in the flesh but that was it. He was a leach, he sucked the last of what was left of me out. When it ended I felt like an empty shell.

The crazy thing is, I put up with it for 15 years. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you. Maybe because he didn't hit me or sexual abuse me? That where my anger comes from, my own stupidity at throwing away 43 years of my life on two useless men.

 

[Nicolette]

That where my anger comes from, my own stupidity at throwing away 43 years of my life on two useless men.

There is no undoing what is done. I have a failed marriage behind me and I now look back and wonder if I had rocks in my head. That being said, had I not been in that marriage I would not have my beautiful son.

I would also not be who I am today as the adversity I went through made me who I am and I like that person most of time. I am good, I am kind, I try very hard to make those around me happy. I have scars, I have cracks and I'm not like everyone else but I now see I am 'unique' and I kind of like having a little more character than some. So what if I ball my eyes out at a slight sad TV advertisement - I'm the only one who knows I'm finally free to let those tears from years of pain go and hope one day it won't happen but for now I know it is healthy, good and a sign of healing.

Those men took from you and abused you.... and they still do for as long as they are in your head causing you sadness. Find a way to let it go if you can. I remember having a ceremony where I took things from my past and I but them in a metal garbage bin and sat there with a cool drink watching them burn. As the embers and flakes of paper were carried away with the breeze I imagined my past going with it. The man I knew was dead in my mind and through deciding he was dead I no longer had to think of him. Maybe you can find something which works for you?

 

[Loloma]

Yes Nicolette you are a good and kind person with a very warm heart. I also know you are a good mother the way you talk of your son and the love you have for him. It's true he is the one good thing that came out of your bad marriage. I can say the same of mine, with the three wonderful sons I have.

I also tend to cry at the drop of a hat when listening to some music or watching a sad movie. Just last week it was the episode of Offspring when Patrick died. I needed a box of tissues.

Now you might find this insane, but I am presently working with my first ex and my eldest son. It is not working out. Not for me I manage to put it all aside. The problem is my son as they almost came to blows last week. My son gave him a job and over pays him for work he's not doing. It is causing financial problems and I can't see it ending well. I keep out of it, as I'm sure my son will resolve it quickly.

It does take awhile to move on and I am getting there.

 

[Nicolette]

Yes you will get there Lolvita. You are wise to stay out the situation with your son and his father letting them work it out.

On a side note, Patrick dying was heartbreaking in so many ways :(

 

[SeanCharles]

This is a great poll Nicolette. I do hope others find and join this forum.

I see myself as a survivor an...

I've cast my first vote(s). In ways I am treating this series of posts as if this forum were a little more active than it appears to be. I'm responding so that in the hopes that someone stumbles upon my postings that they may relate as I find myself doing. For me, I almost wish I had found this forum much earlier... Then again, I probably didn't at that time because I wasn't ready nor was I aware of my PTSD until my Dx in 2009! So, Here I am now writing.

I see myself as a victim, a survivor and a thrivor. I am here at least slowly realizing how deep this has affected me and continues to do so even today.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I was just reading an article where are lady was writing about her domestic abuse situation. Her words w...

Those are all very good questions. I think a typical PTSD patient travels between different mental situations all the time. We can all migrate back to being a victim, especially during times when PTSD really locks us up. Then all of a sudden when our brain works better again we realize what needs to be done and then we survive and then we make decisions that have to be made and then we thrive.
I just noticed that in myself, my brain was out of whack, for lack of words. Then about an hour ago my instinct kicked in, was almost abused again by the monster that dares to call himself a father.
Now I know even more how important it is for me to never ever talk to that monster again, to never ever allow that monster to have any contact with me ever again.

I am physically ill, upset stomach, as I am writing this. But I will have to pull myself together and do whatever is necessary to ban this pathetic excuse of man out of my life.

Gosh danged, it feels really good though to do that.

 

[SeanCharles]

I think a typical PTSD patient travels between different mental situations all the time. We can all migrate back to being a victim, especially during times when PTSD really locks us up. Then all of a sudden when our brain works better again we realize what needs to be done and then we survive and then we make decisions that have to be made and then we thrive.

I know this rings very true for me. This past week has been very enlightening for me; Not only in terms of seeing various family members who finally got the opportunity to meet the adult me, as the last time they saw me I was a teenager, so to them I was still a young kid. So, seeing them and spending quality time with them was sometimes socially awkward for me which I did survive. I am troubled by the relationship with my mom and in many ways my younger sister whom both of which were with me at times as the three of us traveled together on this trip.

Sometimes I had to tolerate just my mom and her sisters which I had no real problems with. I am still analyzing how the Domestic Violence either as a child or later is still impacting me. Another note I am adding since I am editing this response from my original one I deleted to repost this completely here, is that I have been watching myself more (a bit guardedly) where my interactions with women are concerned as I am realizing that this has been a major stumbling block for me and I have to say that there are some women I do feel I trust more than others.