Victimized In Every Major Relationship... Shall I Play Again?

[ground crew]

As one of my therapist re framed things for me, I have been the victim in every major relationship I have had in my life. So, years of therapy and introspection and working on me. I am better. I have stayed away from dating in order to not screw up any progress I have made.

Last year, I met someone who was bright and intelligent and appreciated my humor, intellect and political as well as moral position. I lost my job and moved. We stayed in touch. A little, I am all PTSDed out and all, so self isolation is the norm for us. She is well educated, somewhat obese and age appropriate. So, no, it is not just a physical thing. So, the thing is, she admits to being a control freak. Which would put me back in that same victim relationship I have escaped in the past. She may not be the best candidate, but she does have the advantage of having spoken to me, putting her miles ahead of the non existent competition.

Anyway, I have noticed a lack of angry talk, frustration and inconvenience in my life as well as a certain loneliness at bed time, so the question arises-at what point am I in any kind of shape to date? Do you get a note from your doctor or is it a sign of healing that you just do it?

I am not kidding about bad relationships... historically and hysterically bad. Oh, i do understand if your in a bad relationship its likely cause your crap influenced your choices to put you where you are. I even understand what crap put me there. I just don't want to be in another bad relationship. I would rather be alone.

 

[Friday]

Personally, lonely is the single worst time for me to get into a relationship. Hitler would solve the lonely problem. So would Mrs. Bates. My judgement is waaaay off when I'm lonely. Done it. Just very much regretted it.

The best relationships I have ever been in have nearly all come at times when I'm effing busy. Work, social life, personal pursuits, just busy. In no small part, because if they weren't working early on? I broke up with them! The ones that were worth staying in, those best ones? Even when I had a sea of other options on how and with whom to spend my time? They were how I chose to. I was adding them to my life. So I got to see them for who they were. They weren't fixing a problem. I didn't need them. I wanted them.

 

[BlueDream]

If someone tells you they are a control freak, believe them!!

 

[Sighs]

I wonder what she means by that. Does she mean that all of her clothes have to be folded precisely into thirds? Or does she mean she would not 'allow' you to be yourself? The first would be annoying, but maybe ok. The second is not ok.

It might feel like she's the only candidate right now but there's a whole wide world of people out there.

 

[scout86]

A couple of thoughts. My T says to "be open to the possibilities". (Safe enough, in the relationship department, where I'm concerned. I must be scary enough that there ARE none. LOL) But, be open to the possibilities.

Second, remember that "relationships", like everything else, don't have to be an all or none deal. You can take the time to get to know someone slowly. In this case, you can find out what she DOES mean by "control issues". You might ask for examples, for one thing. You could look at this as "practice". You know where things went wrong in the past. Use this as a chance to work on doing better. Be prepared to walk away, or deescalate if something's not working. She doesn't have to be the one and only person you're going to spend the rest of your life with for the relationship to be worthwhile.

 

[ground crew]

Sighs, I think she means both, she really likes order and I should do things her way and then she would be much happier. Before she admited "control freak" I noticed that phone conversations were most often her talking with no moment to break in for me. She is the whole control kind of person. Like mom, so there is that.

I think I will take a pass on this one, and I am open to possibilities. I am just really bad at making connections, so that cuts down on the number of ladies to chose from. I do even worse on dating sites. I have changed my body composition to a more athletic build, so maybe a snapshot of rippling abs, only slightly Photoshopped will up my value on line.... The biggest problem seems to be going where women are to cultivate possibility. I am not terribly social, I find social occasions exhausting cause it is a performance. I don't tolerate fools, or so a very dear friend tells me, he seems not to be a fool. And when in conversation and somebody baits me in on politics or religion (I am a godless liberal) then I over state my position, blowing the fool out of the water and making me look predatory or mean, which I may be. But that is not attractive.

coupled with my charming personality is a body built for comedy, it is as if I was built on the English bulldog templet, short hind legs, big chest and enormous head. it looks nicer since I have been getting into shape, but there is only so much makeup can do for legs 5 inches too short. So my choices are limited.

The abs I have largely uncovered do seem to draw attention at the supermarket, maybe I can exploit them. j'As an aside, if you are not used to attention, catching people looking at you is kind of scary, it's one of the reasons I dont wear t-shirts with writing on the front, I don't like the attention

 

[joeylittle]

I am just really bad at making connections, so that cuts down on the number of ladies to chose from. I do even worse on dating sites.

is there something like meetUp where you are? it's nothing to do with dating, and everything to do with connecting with other people, and therefore I think has a higher likelihood of you meeting someone you might like, whether they turn out to be a friend or potential partner.

I've only ever gotten as far as looking at groups, but the way it works is pretty cool.

I think you're well served to be moving on from someone who isn't interested in what you have to say.

 

[ground crew]

yes, joeylittle, I am in a group called "socializing single baby boomers", which is attended by mostly ladies of my age. I am a big hit, particularly when they heard about the startup job I had in silicon valley, $ seem to improve a mans attractiveness considerably. But I am not finding the attraction mutual. the techy meetups are pretty much men. My sport or recreation is bicycle riding which is also pretty much guys. I enjoy chess, which is largely dominated by guys. I don't watch sports, trifle with women or drink to excess, so the guys don't much accept me as one of the guys. Life is kinda lonely overall.

 

[BlueDream]

You sound like a very intelligent guy, with a sense of humor. You are realizing what is wrong for you, before getting into a relationship, and that is a good thing. You deserve someone who wants to hear your thoughts. Don't get down on yourself, there are plenty of women out there.

 

[Peach]

@ground crew I think you may be putting too much emphasis on your own physicality. If you're happy with your abs and concerned about you fitness, that is great, but you should do those things for you. If a woman is only interested in you for your muscles (or money), there's a good chance she's not right anyway. Be happy with who you are - confidence is extremely attractive. Fake it til you make it! As far as the "bulldog proportions," the right woman will come along and think your short legs and barrel chest are freakin adorable because they are you.

Also, I know for me, I can see a man and make a snap judgement about them being unattractive, but as I get to know them and it turns into a friendship and beyond, my preception changes and one day I look at them and see a real cutie! This has happened several times. I can watch them and even study the person I thought was not handsome and, try as I might, I can't see that person anymore. I wonder what the heck I was thinking back then! That actually did happen when I met Tater. I found him attractive while Skyping and the pics he had sent me, but when I met him in person I was quite shocked at how much older he looked...after 2 days with him, I didn't care one iota - I was in love!

I had a lot of the same experiences with meetup groups in the past, as well. Most seemed to be populated by women anyway and I wasn't well suited for the singles groups because I am rather reserved. In the end, my best friendships and relationships have been cultivated over the internet.

Anyway, it sounds like the baby boomers group is working well for you, your match just hasn't showed up yet. Stick with it and she'll probably show up eventually. :)

 

[Sighs]

I second Peach. Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder and for women its very often not about a bloke who looks like an underwear model but a guy they like spending time with.

I say be open to a relationship, but be picky!

 

[ground crew]

Okay, I am inordinately proud of my abs, I haven't seen them in 30 years and it took 3 years to find them. So, I look better. I have a more calm manor, I can make eye contact with people I am in conversation with. I am better. I am comfortable with myself. well, more comfortable. I have had a lot of therapy, I have had a little effective therapy and I have done a lot of work on my own. So that is the upside of my position.

Downside, I have not established a pier or support group locally, some new to the area aspects some self isolation aspects of this problem. Often meetings are via friends of friends, or other social events. I don't have the social context in the area to know where I should hang out so Ms. unbelievable can find me. And I know the smooth act I have developed is not a new personality, it is an act. But the ability to calm myself down and hold my tongue is a real skill. I will master that later this week, I am sure of it!

And then, there is this, I am attracted to the wrong women. The top two made my trauma diaries-but there are more. epicly bad at this attraction thing. Or very good at it, depending on perspective.

So, my fear is I will have fixed me all up, got my new cool going, look great and I meet Ms. Not again! And I tend to go all in on relationships. A childhood thing, no doubt.