Violent Relationship From 16 To 33 Years Old How Do You Move On?

[trying2moveon]

Not sure what to say or where to start. I have never done anything like this before My lifes a mess. I left my now ex husband nearly 3 years ago now after 16-17 years of abuse. I feel worse now than I ever did back then. depression anxiety ptsd I find it hard to even leave my house now. I feel tremendous guilt for what my 2 children have been through & what they saw both are still in counselling one self harms.I could go on just wondered is there an end to all this suffering and will me & my kids ever get over this?

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome trying2moveon.

I do hope there is an end to your suffering and peace for your children. Congratulations on having the courage to leave your husband as that in itself is a huge step towards changing your life for the better even though it may not feel like it at the time. What you endured obviously has had a dramatic impact on your life leaving you with PTSD. I am truly sorry for all you have suffered.

I can relate to the guilt for your children. I have a son of my own and when he struggles with self esteem and finding his way in life I feel so guilty. I even blame myself for his characteristics/personality as I wonder did my choices impact upon him and damage him. I pray they did not but I feel sick when I see him stumble and feel powerless to help him. I do help him in any way shape or form but I still don't feel that I can undo what was done and don't know what blame I should hold for what so I take it all on board. I even watch and know the lines for me are greyed between what is him as a person versus how my situations shaped him no matter how much I tried to protect him. The only thing I am proud of is taking my last abuser to court as I knew that the truth of what happened to me would come to light one day and I was responsible for sending one of two messages, that you don't abuse women without consequence or it is okay to abuse women. I stepped up when I realised the power I held at that time despite being so frightened.

Unfortunately you cannot change the past but can work with your children now to try and help them and yourself heal from what you have experienced. I get the scars never heal but if you can ease the burden you are on the right track. It won't happen over night but it can happen.

As parents, mothers, domestic violence sufferers, it is easy to not assign any of the responsibility of the situation surrounding our children upon their father/abuser but some of it does lay there. I hope you can find your way through this struggle and with time and support at least lessen the blame your apportion to yourself. I personally found that once I freed myself of some of the responsibility, I didn't spend as much time processing guilt, which gave me back some energy to work through all what was. I hope you find that so you eventually can leave the house and enjoy the sunshine. :smile:

I hope coming here can assist you in part of your journey to healing.................

 

[trying2moveon]

Thank you very much I haven't really done the talking about it thing found it too hard for a long time but I'm hoping that I can now and that this helps:smile:

 

[Nicolette]

I hope you can too trying2moveon. You've made the first step so well done as I know it is hard to talk about but maybe talking will help you work through it. :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi trying2moveon,

I am the mother of four and many years past the abuse. Over time it does get better, but it does take a lot of work.

It is important that you work on healing yourself in addition to helping your children heal. They need a healthy parent and by focusing on getting better you are definitely helping them. The guilt that a parent carries after living in an abusive environment with their children is huge. It has taken me a long time to lessen some of it, and the only way that I found, was to realize that I did the best that I could at the time and that is all anyone can do.

I hope you find that being here is helpful in that journey towards healing.

 

[trying2moveon]

Thank you intothelight :smile:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[trying2moveon]

I feel so alone and so hurt. I never used to think when someone said their heart was breaking it was a real pain but I know now my heart aches from the life that I had to the life I have now which is none. I'm not living a life right now I'm just existing trying my hardest to get through each day for my children sake.

 

[Nicolette]

Trying2moveon, one of the hardest things about life is that nothing ever goes back to what it was - what you had is gone and for all of us in some way shape or form. While we don't like change life is ever evolving and changing and the key is to move with it by letting the past belong where it is, be the the past.

There is however nothing stopping you from being more than an existence other than yourself. I know you won't like to hear that but, from what I have learned, it is the cruel harsh reality and truth. You have made a start by coming to this forum. Now, if you want a different life and for your heart to stop breaking then the only way to do that is to take one step forward at a time. What small change can you make in your day that will help you feel a little better? I remember devouring books and reading and reading just to get 'unstuck' as that, to me, is where you sound like you are - stuck.

If you exist for your children's sake then take that and use that to help motivate you from 'trying' to 'doing' as the simple reality is that to be the best mother you have to look after yourself first. I am sure you believe your children deserve more than you just 'being there' as you sound unhappy and they would see that. Find one thing to make yourself smile each day and you will also reward your children. I believe you can bring happiness back into your life and I believe that if you put one foot in front of the other you will slowly but surely be able to find you way to a better life.