Voices Raised, T Ticked Off And I Am Confused

[Reds]

I have been going through some hard time, I have a lot of things going on at the moment. I am changing jobs, and moving to another province, I am also back at school this year. Everything is happening so fast and at the same time. I have been in a really dark place, found myself emailing my T almost everyday. it also doesn't help that we are over 1500 km away from each other. She was available to chat yesterday and we had our usual phone session which went sour very quickly.
I swear at some point she raised her voice at me, I think it's because I wasn't agreeing with what she was saying. we spoke on top of each other no one was doing the listening. I felt so threatened and scared of her. I literally felt like I wanted to go into hiding. At some point she asked me if I was saying she's naive also asked me if I think she's evil.
At the end of the session I asked her if she loved me, it's something I normally ask her once in a while when I feel like nothing in the world loves me or that I can't love myself. but the reason I asked her yesterday, is that I felt like she was upset or angry with me and I still don't know why.
I sent her an email after the session telling her that she lied when she said she loves me and she didn't reply to that email, she always replies to my emails, even ones I think she should just ignore.
I am not sure how to feel, I feel like I did something wrong or something to upset her.

I have managed to tick my T off at a time when I really need her :(

 

[shimmerz]

It sounds to me like she knows that you have no idea whether you are coming or going. I am not certain either whether it is a therapists role to say 'I love you'. It sounds like a very odd relationship.

Given what you have said about the conversation, maybe it would be a good idea to identify for yourself what you really need your T for.

 

[rainbow1]

At the end of the session I asked her if she loved me

I personally think It would be inappropriate for any T to say they love you. It is not their job to love you or be your friend even, it is their job to support you and help you work through your trauma in a professional way with clear boundaries.

 

[Reds]

I understand that it's not her job to say that she loves me,, and at first it was hard for her to say it until the one time she asked me what I wanted and I said i wanted to be loved and told that I am loved. she asked what I meant by being loved, and I said like a mother's love. I think the boundaries are pretty clear, and I know what she means when she says she loves me

@shimmerz, I know I should have stopped seeing her a long time ago but I am very attached to her, I think she also tried a number of times to stop seeing me but I wouldn't let her. :(
it's like I need a therapist to get over her :( :( :(

 

[Born to Run]

I am sorry for you this happened. I recognize the mechanism of somehow actively participating in having no one, when needed most. In this case I do not find it very professional of your therapist to raise her voice. In my experience when a therapist has such a moment it is the process of countertransference that takes over therapy. The therapist is no longer therapist, but actively engaging in your transference. This especially happens when there is a sensitivity on the side of the therapist that they have not worked through themselves. I do not know you yet as I am new here, but is being threatened and being scared and wanting to hide something from your past? If so, you both perfectly reenacted that past. Your therapist should not have been part of that. I hope I explain this well enough. Only if such therapy mishaps are discussed, can trust be reestablished. I have had this in therapy and when properly addressed after, you can learn a lot from it. I see it that as a patient you are never wrong, you only bring your story with you, and a therapist should never get upset with you. Of course, as long as the patient does not behave inappropriate.

 

[WillyKat]

Agree with other posters that your relationship with your T isn't right. Boundaries aren't really clear if the words don't back them up. Love is such a powerful word; it has a way of blowing through boundaries. Ordinarily that's a good thing, but not for a therapeutic relationship. You also say you are very attached to her. Combine all that with having arguments?

I honestly think its time for you to have a different therapist. This relationship has gone off the rails. I'd suggest that you start looking for another therapist. Whether you want to stay friends with this one is between the two of you. But it seems clear to me that boundaries have been crossed and there's no going back.

 

[shimmerz]

It sounds like your T let you run the show Reds. You directed what you needed and directed whether your relationship continued or not. Maybe that worked for you both at one time, but it sounds like it is out of control as @WillyKat says. I have changed T's several times as I have grown. I wonder if you have grown out of her? It sounds like you need a T to tame the (almost sounds like) angry teenager in you. Could that be true?

 

[Reds]

@WillyKat . as odd as it may sound I love my T. there's a lot she's helped me through. she's become more of a mother to me than a therapist and I guess that's what I really wanted in life (a mother figure).
She has become more available and she started being all this to me when I relocated over a year ago. she cared for me so much that I could feel it. we've exchanged gifts, hugs, pictures, painted together and all sorts of things I wished I could do with my mother.
I am in her life and she's in mine. I know that's not how a therapeutic relationship should be, but how do I let go of a "mother" I've always wished for?

@shimmerz I think you might be spot on about the angry teenager in me. I am feeling very angry right now and often times I am angry at my T for no reason. I send her angry emails. she asked me what I was angry about and I couldn't answer her. I don't know why I am angry.

 

[digger]

I am in her life and she's in mine. I know that's not how a therapeutic relationship should be, but how do I let go of a "mother" I've always wished for?

I think the boundaries are pretty clear,

These two statements really don't tally up.

 

[WillyKat]

She may be a friend, a mother figure, and that's just fine. She can even give you advice from time to time. But someone else should be your therapist.

My two cents.

And it could be worse than that, for her. The kind of relationship you have with her probably would not be looked on favorably by her professional peers, including wherever her license to practice comes from. If you do love her, then you should consider letting her go as your T.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I believe you have posted about your therapeutic relationship before @Reds ? Is this the same therapist?

 

[shimmerz]

But someone else should be your therapist.

I agree with this @Reds. I had a T who turned into a friend. We tried to do the therapy thing afterwards but honestly couldn't. It put our friendship at risk, so I went elsewhere. She went through a lot of hurt when I left her as a T but the two roles were just too much for both of us. I am happy to say we are now friends of the best sort.

I wonder if that is something you might want to consider. I absolutely see how you wouldn't want to lose her support, but maybe support in a differing way as you grow is best right now? Just a thought.