Volcanoes And Babies

[girlshawn]

I keep having the most late night TV dreams, real end of the world type of dreams and they are more intense lately.

This last one I was back in my old town with my best chick buddy. We were on the higher part of town but had to get away.

It all started (in the dream) when I was saying good bye to Spider-Man (my sons obsession) and he was going to the secret hide out by shooting up this tube that was on the side of a hill.

We - cause my best friend was there now - put Spidy in the tube and it turned into an old mail tube sucked him right up. He was gone.

The hill turned into a mountain and the mountain exploded.

Kind of symbolic after I write it - my hero is gone and everything exploded on me.

Anyway - there's more - the best friend turned into a bubbling mess - not literally just figuratively and started spouting off I'm a doctor I can't do that.

I grabbed her had and drugged her under a the bed of a semi truck because we had to get away before the rocks from the volcano hit us.

Once on the other side these cackling people with that look of insanity were there and a barbed wire fence.

Then I remember fighting off some guy attacking her and like twenty kids with us, half of which were now babies.

I stole a big yellow school bus and put them on it. I kept thinking how do we tell their moms and my goats aren't going to like this.

I don't have any goats.

So I woke up after this dream and had to check on my son and he's getting ready for school. I have to work and be sharp today so I'm thinking yay 5 hours of sleep again.

My heart is racing and my thoughts are going.

I think it's time for meditation.

 

[Innordinate]

Hate end of the world dreams that involve lava and babies.

I've had end of the world dreams like that since as long as I can remember. Started involving kids and babies after I had my oldest daughter.

They don't get any easier. Sometimes I think they're like, foretelling, of the future. Then when my paranoia subsides...well..then I just think that my life is going to end very violently.

I forget about them when I have things to do, and dwell on them when I have nothing to do.

Risperidone helped when I was on it. I only took it for about a month, so it could just have been a coincidence.

Sorry you have dreams like that. They can really throw off your day.

 

[girlshawn]

Thank you and hugs back.

They do throw off the day. I hate admitting that to myself. I think I stuffed my families anxiety down instead of dealing with it for their issues and I think that's where they come from.

Thank you again for helping me think more on this.

 

[girlshawn]

I woke up with a start and have been full of anxiety all day.
I'd like to go to sleep now but I'm stressed out because the teen is out and he actually doesn't need to be in for another 45 mins.
My boys are amazing boys, smart and creative and handsome, they both have red hair.

So this anxiety about them stems from being responsible for my siblings and growing up in the ghetto during a dangerous time. I've been shot at, jumped by gangs and followed by shady characters. My street sense kept me alive I think. My mom moved us out of the ghetto when I was 15.

I was mostly responsible for my siblings as a parent from age 10 to like 14 (I think that time is fuzzy).

At 13 I can remember I would have to do my paper route, pick up my baby sister from nursery school and them my baby brother from the neighbors. There is 7 years between me and my sister and 9 between me and my brother.

After we got home it was my job to figure out dinner and do homework and put everyone to bed.

If they wouldn't listen I got in trouble and if the house was a mess I got in trouble.

I had all the responsibility and no power. I still feel that way with my teens.

Since I can remember I've talked to them about everything. They will never smoke or drink heavily or do drugs. They will probably be successful because I you aren't then you're homeless.

I'm not a church goer in fact I think I'm more a mix of Buddhism and Taoism. My oldest is a devout Christian of his own doing. I often wonder if I freaked him out and pushed him into it or he just really believed.

My youngest tells me he is a polytheist. We just leave that one alone.

My mom was anti church until her aneurysm an than I was going to burn in hell for not being born again.

So with all that I floating around in my head like it always does this time if year I saw my brother.

I became keenly aware of how anxious I was around him today and I don't like it. I think I isolate myself more and more because of self acceptance sucks.

So I'm going to focus for a while on that.