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- #13
Sideways
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It's a pretty awful way to have to learn it, but obviously I need more insight into the impact I have on people and how I'm making them feel.
It's also a nasty lesson in my abandonment issues. He promised he'd stick with me, no matter what. And I've come to trust him. He's the one person in the world that I trusted, and now he's walked out too. And even though I haven't yet established whether he will agree to see me again, I can feel myself wrapping myself up in my anti-abandonment armour: don't trust anyone, how many times do I have to learn that!? I know that response is premature and unhelpful.
It's hard knowing how much experience he has, and the really difficult clients he deals with. I do feel a lot like I should be able to express myself, and when I'm in a bad headspace (as I was throughout the inpatient program) know that he can cope with that.
But he's human. I've clearly hurt him a lot, or something going on in the dynamic has hurt him a lot. It's so hard to have confidence in yourself and your own thoughts and feelings when you get that kind of response from a T. I mean, I think there are limits to what T's should be expected to endure, but did I really cross that line? Have I really been that awful without intending to be or realising? I thought, until this, that I had pretty reasonable insight into when my mood was so bad that I was just being a right b!tch...
I'm going in circles. But the feedback is all greatly appreciated. One thing is for sure, the current dynamic isn't therapeutic. I'm not sure how far I'm supposed to go to fix it. I'm not completely unempathetic - I don't want to hurt him.
It's also a nasty lesson in my abandonment issues. He promised he'd stick with me, no matter what. And I've come to trust him. He's the one person in the world that I trusted, and now he's walked out too. And even though I haven't yet established whether he will agree to see me again, I can feel myself wrapping myself up in my anti-abandonment armour: don't trust anyone, how many times do I have to learn that!? I know that response is premature and unhelpful.
It's hard knowing how much experience he has, and the really difficult clients he deals with. I do feel a lot like I should be able to express myself, and when I'm in a bad headspace (as I was throughout the inpatient program) know that he can cope with that.
But he's human. I've clearly hurt him a lot, or something going on in the dynamic has hurt him a lot. It's so hard to have confidence in yourself and your own thoughts and feelings when you get that kind of response from a T. I mean, I think there are limits to what T's should be expected to endure, but did I really cross that line? Have I really been that awful without intending to be or realising? I thought, until this, that I had pretty reasonable insight into when my mood was so bad that I was just being a right b!tch...
I'm going in circles. But the feedback is all greatly appreciated. One thing is for sure, the current dynamic isn't therapeutic. I'm not sure how far I'm supposed to go to fix it. I'm not completely unempathetic - I don't want to hurt him.