General Waiting For Contact

[Fantabulous]

This is kind of a vent and kind of a question.

I haven't talked to my sufferer in two weeks. This is not so unusual for him, though. However, I am really working on being patient and waiting this out, and it's hard. I am not such a patient person, but I know this is something that I need to learn, and I think this is just part of that teaching process. It's a difficult lesson to master.

I did send him one text yesterday asking him if he was in his hometown (not listing it for privacy purposes) after I heard about the Ft. Hood incident. He doesn't live in Texas but he has gone down there many times for trainings and work and such, and right now I don't exactly know where he is. I guess I wanted some reassurance that he was physically safe, but he hasn't answered that text. I think that physically he's OK though.

My gut instinct is telling me that something is going on. I don't know what triggers him (we haven't talked about triggers), but I do know he avoids emotional closeness and intimacy. He always gets close to me then pushes away. So it feels like something has him stressed...I just don't know what.

All I know right now is that I miss him, I wish I could just give him a big hug and tell him that this will all be OK, and I wish he felt safe enough to open up to me. But...none of that is possible at the moment. I know I just need to wait and think about why this waiting is so hard for me. There are days where I'm OK with it and it just "feels right"...that he will come back to me. Then there are days (like today) where I'm just down and tired and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not...that's when the waiting is the hardest. These are the days when I start questioning whether or not he has any sort of feelings at all for me, or if this has just been one big manipulative game. A lot of that is my own insecurities talking as well.

Sigh...I just wanted to vent this to people who may understand. I chatted briefly with a friend this morning who said "Just forget about him". I just can't do that though! We went on to talk about relationships/marriage in general and he said that his wife drives him crazy a lot of the time, but he can't stand the thought of not having her in his life. Right now, I feel the same way...I'm just not quite ready to walk away.

How do you know for sure a sufferer is really "in to you" vs. just playing silly games with your emotions? My gut instinct tells me that he has a lot of emotion for me and that scares him, but there are days where I doubt that. Has anyone else had to deal with that confusion? How do I sort it out?

Fantabulous

 

[amethist]

Hi Fantabulous

It might be good idea for you to read all the information for carers. You will find it in the information section at the bottom of the main forum page.

There is so much to learn about how a sufferer reacts, and how best for you to react or not as the case maybe.

This is not an easy task to take on, as you are beginning to find out.

Your relationship with him, if it continues, is going to be like no other. It is going to be impossible one day and wonderful the next.

I here you when you say you are not ready to walk away, but please be prepared to do just that. Maybe for your own sake, maybe for his.

Amethist

 

[harmony of love]

Aloha Fantabulous,

These last few days have been my roughest. I too, share your woes. My love has not communicated with me since last Tuesday. It may not seem that long to others, and when I try to relate such a time gap between other people in my life it does not feel the same. Yet, for my heart it feels like eons. I have been crying to my friends, mother, bed pillows, even intermittently at a movie theater. I miss the h. e. double hockey sticks out of him. Even before this shut out, he was slowly limiting the time we shared.

He spends almost all of his time with his service men and in particular those who he deployed with.

The hardest thing I can imagine is not knowing our future? Is it over because then I need to face it, but if its a struggle I am game.

I will be there for the ups and downs, but if hes not willing to let me know what is what, how can I be a support.

This is the hardest love I have ever had, but I am totally 100% there...just feel so lost at the same time. How can I be there for him, when I am shut out. If any sufferers have a fixing to share please by all means shed light on this matter.

With all hope and a mustard seed of faith...everything is where it should be.

Wishing to be living in love as all deserve.

Harmony of love

 

[Fantabulous]

Thanks amethist...I've been reading a lot of threads (and finally found the Stress Cup explanation this morning...makes sense!). Friday was rough because I was tired from a long week at work and all I wanted to do was to go home and get away from everyone and "recharge". I was finally able to do that last night, and I feel better this morning. I feel more able to focus on myself (probably because I got some much needed rest last night).

I did send him a text this morning telling him that I was thinking about him, that I hope everything is OK, and that I'm here if he wants to talk. We'll see if he ever responds, but I just felt an overwhelming need to say that. He could be out working without his cell, he could be ignoring me, he could be anything at this point. The not knowing is what is getting to me...if I knew what he was doing (even if it's that he never wants to speak to me again) I think it would be easier on me. Well...if he wants to walk away from me forever that would be heartbreaking, but it would be closure.

So, here I sit today, with no closure. BUT...that's not going to stop me from doing what I need to do today for myself. I plan on going out and getting some exercise, do some laundry and cleaning around here, then hanging out and watching some football! :occasion:

Thanks for reading and supporting...this is a process, and sometimes you've just got to trust the process!

Fantabulous

 

[amethist]

Hi Fantabulous

I am glad you are feeling a bit better after a good night's sleep. I know just what you mean about needing a rest after a long hard week at work. Wish I could retire now, but the bills still need to be paid.

One big and important piece of advice I will offer you now is, please do not put your life on hold waiting for him to reply to your text messages, think of it this way if you can. No news is good news.

Which ever way this all goes for you I do wish you luck, but remember it is probably not him stopping him from being the man he maybe was before ptsd hit him, but the ptsd itself which influences the way he reacts now.

And yea your right sometimes you just have to trust the process, even though it sucks at times.

Take care of yourself first before anything else, this is important for your own well being.

Amethist

 

[Fantabulous]

Today I did a lot of things for myself (exercise, cleaning, etc...stuff that I had been neglecting).

I have been working on strengthening my relationship with God over the past year. So after my tasks were done this evening I sat down to get close to God and started out by listening to a podcast regarding the power of prayer, and then went on to a podcast on trusting God. I was thinking about where I am in life right now, and the things I need to address (more than just my PTSD friend...I was thinking actually about other stuff I've got to get straight inside). Then it hit me. God gave me such a powerful message that I laughed and teared up at the same time.

He said "Wait".

That was it. Not "wait for blah blah blah." Not "if you wait, this will happen." Not "wait and he will come around." Just "Wait." It was crystal clear, and there was no way I could doubt the message.

So, there's my answer. I don't know what I am waiting for, and I don't know what is next (I could be waiting for someone ELSE to enter my life...who knows?), and right now I'm not supposed to know. All I'm supposed to do is "Wait".

I'm not interpreting this as "wait for him to text you back." It doesn't mean to put my life on hold until he comes around...actually it tells me to do other things in my life that I need to focus on. I need to just wait and not actively seek ANY relationships right now. There's more that I've been working on so this message makes sense with everything else I've been thinking about but haven't posted here. So please don't think that this means I'm waiting for him to contact me back. It's bigger than that.

I was just so moved by it that I wanted to share that with you all. Maybe it will help someone else who reads this.

Fantabulous

 

[Nicolette]

How do you know for sure a sufferer is really "in to you" vs. just playing silly games with your emotions? My gut instinct tells me that he has a lot of emotion for me and that scares him, but there are days where I doubt that. Has anyone else had to deal with that confusion? How do I sort it out?

Loving someone does not go hand in hand with being able to maintain a relationship when you add PTSD to the equation. :rolleyes:

I don't think Sufferers ever maliciously play silly games with a Carers emotions but you have to remember that half the time they are struggling to either cope with their emotions or even just work them out.

There is nothing to sort out other than you making the decision which is right for you. You can stay and be prepared to jump on the rollercoaster ride or you can not buy a ticket and decide the ride is not for you. You cannot control or predict a Sufferers actions so all you can do is decide what you can and can not cope with....which comes back to boundaries.

 

[Pheobe]

Hi Fantabulous,

This is so what is happening to me right now. It's really hard to cope with because, as you say, you don't know how they are feeling about you. In my case I am holding on to the fact that although there has been no contact for a couple of weeks now (the longest time he has ever not contacted me) his mum tells me that he is still wearing his engagement ring (we have matching rings) and he still has my photo by his bed.

I'm finding that keeping myself really busy, and not giving myself time to over-analyse things, helps. I've just started a new job where my co-workers are a really nice bunch of people. They don't know about my personal life, and it's great just to have normal chats about anything but relationships.

I also think that re-establishing your relationship with God will help you immensely. Whatever ones spiritual beliefs, I truly believe that a strong faith can give you the strength to overcome any thing that life throws at you.

Love and light,

Pheobe

 

[onebravegirl]

I can only speak from my own experience here. I honestly didn't have room for my husband while I was dealing with my PTSD. I was hot and cold to him. I put him through so much. He stayed and that was great, but beleive me, this is not the time to try and romantisize a realtionship. PTSD's symptoms are all consuming and it is very very difficult to maintain any sort of balance in ones life if they are going through triggers etc. It may be of help to give him the space he needs. You cannot expect yourself to make sense of his illness before he does. It is him that needs the help and treatment. That is a full time job like no other. If you become too demanding (even rightfully so), you may be getting in the way of him getting well.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Fantabulous,

I feel you pain through your post! There's a part of me that can totally relate to what you are saying but then I realize that although my OH is isolating himself (and right now his ptsd symptoms are bad) he also to a certain extent has not totally shut me out in that he does still call me everyday. There are so many variables as to what can make a sufferer act the way they act but the bottom line is to learn as much as you can about ptsd.

Two to three weeks ago I was in rough shape, wanting to understand but not really and for some reason of late I've calmed down a bit more and I am starting to feel like my old self even though he is not out of the woods yet.

Hang in there, learn as much as you can.

C.

 

[Fantabulous]

onebravegirl,

Thank you for your post! Your post (and the other ones I've been reading on the forums) have really helped to give me the sufferer's point of view. Since my friend (sufferer) and I are not in a full blown relationship (he has said several times that he can't be in one right now with me, but he wants to), we have not had an in depth discussion about what triggers him and what his coping skills are. He has told me enough that I know he withdraws and shuts down when he is stressed, which is what I am assuming is going on. I am the kind of person that I like to connect with a loved one when I am stressed (even if it's just sitting together quietly), so the whole idea of withdrawing from loved ones when stressed is new to me honestly. I am still learning, but I do appreciate all of the points of view (especially the experience of the sufferers) shared on this forum. It really helps me make sense of it all, until he is able to explain more of his experience with PTSD to me.

CCurry,

I read your thread about your OH's situation, and all I can say is WOW. I'm so sorry that it happened, but I'm also glad to see things are being taken care of and hopefully getting better. You made a good point about wanting to understand what is going on...last week I just didn't understand. It didn't make sense to me, but now it is beginning to. Patience and taking care of myself is key right now. I hope you are taking care of yourself too.

Fantabulous

 

[Pheobe]

Hi all,

I thought that I'd let you know that my fiance texted me out of the blue earlier, and asked if I would like to meet up! I texted back saying that I would like that, and he'll be coming over about 21.00. I don't know what will happen - so wish me luck, please :smile:

I'll let you know how it pans out!

Light and love,

Pheobe