General Waiting For Contact

[Fantabulous]

I am feeling a huge, strong urge to try and contact him right now, so instead of doing that I'm going to type here instead!

I've still been reading about PTSD, and I have so many questions in my head that I wish I could ask him, but I know I cannot for fear of putting too much pressure on him. And I struggle with not knowing what's going on (in any situation...I need to have information and details)...I just REALLY WISH I knew what caused this "radio silence"! That's my own issue that I'm working through at the moment...it's rough changing habits and being uncomfortable. So I'm fighting that urge to contact him and see what's up (I'm always curious about things anyways).

I'm also super stressed with work right now, and I desperately need a vacation and just escape from everyone myself. Like I said, when I get stressed I want to be near someone (not a whole group, but just someone) and I wish I could talk to him right now. Once again, I know that's not an option...but I wish it was!

So...I just needed to get on here and vent that to people who would understand (and to occupy my fingers so I wouldn't text him)!

Question though: I am thinking about sending him a short "Happy Veterans Day. Have a good day" text tomorrow. Do y'all think that's a good idea or not?

Phoebe...what happened with you and your fiance? I'm curious!

Fantabulous

 

[CCurry]

Hi Fantabulous,

Good idea to post here instead of calling. I can hear your frustration in your posts and I feel for you.

In terms of sending him a text to wish him a Happy Vets Day I could only say that it depends on how you think he would react to it. I know my OH would be touched by it but maybe everybody would not react the same.

Thinking of you and I'll be following your story.
C

 

[Pheobe]

It was very strange! He arrived at my house and said he thought our relationship was going nowhere, because we weren't living together. He also thought I was having an affair! No way!! We talked, and he said he really loves me (as I do him). The problem with living together is that we both live with our mothers - mine getting quite elderly and his bereaved a year ago - and they need some support. He fell out with my mum when we were living together (at my mum's house) and he had one of his rages, and was really rude and verbally abusive to her (that was about 3 years ago). He's recently got stroppy with his mum, and is barely communicating with her. This is when the PTSD blew up again; it was around the anniversary of his dad's death (who he had a bad relationship with since childhood), the introduction of a kitten, by him, to the house, which upset his mum as she couldn't cope with a kitten (although she has now accepted it and is fond of it), and a very stressfull job where he gets attacked on a regular basis. He had a blow-up with his mum in the same way he did with mine (patterns emerging!). I am studying for an MA, and I thought the plan was to look for a place together when my course is finished, and I can work full-time. I've recently started a new job which is far from being part-time, it's almost full-time, and involves odd shift patterns, which is interfering with my studying, and I'm going to have to have a word with them about my hours. He stayed with me on the night he arrived here (my mum is away, he doesn't come to the house when she's here) and I had to work the next day from 11am until 2.30pm, (helping out for the day at my old job) then dash off to the new job from 3pm to 10pm. He had cooked me a meal (which was a lovely thought) then complained as I ate it that he could do with a hot meal himself (he hasn't been eating anything much except protein shakes for a couple of weeks). I had to go to bed about midnight as I was so tired, and was asleep when he joined me - then woke up this morning to find that he'd gone, leaving no note or any indication of when/if he's coming back. I've just sent him a txt saying I love him, and when is he coming back ... so watch this space!!!

I'm very confused. He knows that I have a day off on Friday, so am hoping that he will come to see me then. He wasn't very physically loving when I saw him, he held my hand, and we hugged a few times, and he said that he felt 'hollow inside', although he was insistant that he loved me more than anything.

I will let you know what happens ...

light and love,

Pheobe

 

[Pheobe]

An update. He just txtd to say he loves me too, but has no idea when he'll see me again. I broke down; I've been holding it in for so long. I phoned him and got his ansaphone, and left a very tearful message begging him to come to see me, our relationship was at stake, and more along the same lines ...bad, I know, but I'm so upset. He phoned back after about 15 minutes, really cool, calm and collected, asking what the problem was; he only meant that as my shift pattern was so strange, and I'm working at the weekend (previously his time with me), that was why he had no idea when he could see me. He said he thought we'd got it all sorted out, etc. I'm not working on Friday, so I have begged him to come and see me then, which he has agreed to, but I'm left feeling as if I've been manipulated, everything is my fault, and I'm the needy one.

I know he's not well, but this is getting so weird. I'm usually so strong, but he's just made me beg! I never beg! Is this all a control thing on his part (whetehr he's aware he's doing it or not)? Is he wanting me to give up my new job, which I am enjoying? We tend to lead a rather isolated life, with each being the most important thing to the other, and I am now being exposed to a lot of new, nice co-workers, and, as the job is as a hotel receptionist, lots of customers.

I can't write anymore just now. Thank you for listening, it's such a help to be able to talk about it, with non-judgemental people. I'm going to take some Rescue Remedy, which is marvelous for shock, and I recommend it (Dr. Bach's Flower Remedies - google it).

Love and light,

Pheobe.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Fantabulous,

Yes, I understand your frustrations and wanting to know what he is thinking and why he is shutting you out. This was very difficult for me too, the frustrations of not knowing was the worst !!

Many times when the sufferer is not in control of his ptsd even he doesn't always know the "why's" so it would be extremely difficult for him to explain it to you.

He will talk when and if he is ready. Right now he is needing the space and you have to give it to him. As one friend here tells it "the more you push...the more we pull away"....so patience and understanding that this is what he needs to do, is required.

You say that when you are stressed and I would assume also when you feel down, you tend to want to be with people....And many do feel the same way. But unfortunately, many with ptsd when stressed or feeling down need to be completely alone, this is not simply that they want it but they need it.

My exbf left 14 months ago...and every 2-3 months...he contacts me saying the same thing "I love you" then complete silence for another 2 months. I have learned to accept that this is what it will be from now on ....unless I break the pattern and by this I mean telling him "please don't contact me anymore" ...which btw is coming.

All I can suggest is keep on venting here on the forum, keep busy, go out with friends....don't put your life on hold...continue enjoy life and most importantly take care of your needs.

Frankie

 

[Fantabulous]

An update:

I sent him a text tonight (thought long and hard about it for a couple of days, decided that I would take some action). I basically said that I'd been thinking about him and that I hope he was well, and for him to contact me and let me know how he's doing.

HE RESPONDED!

But...his response was that he lost his phone and wasn't able to afford to get a new one until yesterday. When I asked when he had lost it, he said "a while back". So then I said "well call me so we can catch up".

Then no response.

Sigh...at least I know he's alive. But I don't know if I'm 100% buying the lost phone excuse. It's entirely possible, but he was pretty vague about the timeline which means he may not be entirely truthful or he's avoiding specifics so that he doesn't have to account for not contacting me about Halloween. Avoiding seems to be the key word here.

I know that we aren't in any sort of official relationship, and we don't have any sort of obligations to each other. But I feel myself creeping more and more towards "walking away". A timeout for 6 months, if you will. Not just with him, but with me pursuing any sort of relationship kind of stuff. Take some time for me.

I just wanted to give all of you lovely people an update!

Fantabulous

 

[Nicolette]

Fantabulous...........you deserve to be loved and you deserve to have a relationship that meets your needs. First step is loving yourself enough to believe you deserve it and the second is closing any doors that aren't working for you so that someone else has the opportunity to walk into your life. If your life is already full with focusing on a relationship which isn't really working for you then you may miss something passing you by.

I'm not saying this guy is bad but it doesn't sound like he can give you the relationship you want. If I was your best friend telling you what you just posted what would you tell me?

There is proven test about "room in your life". If your closest is full of old clothes you don't wear nothing really changes and you wear the same old favourite things only and the rest of the clothes just hang there. If you clean it out and there is emptiness you find that you start filling the closet back up with new clothes....ones that you will wear. :rolleyes:

 

[Fantabulous]

I figured I would just keep updating this thread unless there was something major to report.

On Sunday I sent him a text saying that I wasn't sure why he wasn't speaking to me anymore, and asked if he had "moved on". It was totally my own issues and insecurities that led me to send that text, I fully accept that. But I guess I had spent too much time on Sunday immersed in my own overanalysis and thoughts and insecure feelings (spending time with my family tends to take me back to my insecurities of high school. Yay holidays!:smile:) that I had halfway convinced myself that he had another girlfriend or something. Which is fine, but I just wanted some sort of answer so I could know what to do with myself. (I still haven't quite mastered the art of giving MYSELF the answer so I can give myself permission to move on or whatever....) But, I did it, and there it was. :poke:

He texted back on Monday night and I called him. We talked, and he just sounded...off. He did say he had taken his sleep meds and I know that was part of it (he did sound really sleepy). Said that he hadn't been sleeping or eating well because he was being "reminded of some things that happened" because of work (he works for the military). I told him that I would let him go to sleep because it sounds like he needed to, but he didn't want to end the conversation and go to sleep yet. I did ask him about why I hadn't heard from him and that story was just all over the place...the details (lost phone, missions, blahblahblah) weren't quite adding up so I just gave up trying to sort it out. I did tell him that I need for him to communicate with me and not just disappear without telling me he needs to disappear (or that he's going on a mission and not taking his phone, etc), but I don't think that sunk in at all so I'll have to probably repeat that conversation at some point.

We did talk about seeing each other over Christmas (I work at a University so I have a 2 week break)...he brought it up so that tells me that he has some desire to see me. We talked about some good dates and then I said that if he wants to see me bad enough he'll make it happen. He said "yeah" but it sounded so....dejected or something. I don't know...he just didn't sound very good but he obviously wasn't in a place to get into a discussion about it so I have no idea what's going on. He did tell me he's been going to therapy so that's a positive.

I was happy to hear from him, but right now I'm just kinda "meh":dontknow: about the whole thing. I would not be surprised if I didn't hear from him again for a few weeks or if he never followed through on seeing me over Christmas (disappointed, but not surprised). Maybe it's finally sunk into my head that this really ISN'T a good time for him now and that I'm not expecting a whole lot at the moment. I don't know. I guess time will tell.

So, there ya go. The good thing is that so far I'm not a basket case trying to plan ahead and think about seeing him again. I am thinking about sending him a card though...something supportive and inspiring. He apparently has kept the other cards I've sent him in the past few years, so maybe he would enjoy having that to look at from time to time (and I love sending cards to people). I'll let that idea bounce around in my head for a bit before I take action.

Fantabulous

 

[Some1sAngel]

Hi ..

I just got done reading your post on here and I can totally relate to what you are going thru. I, too, am dealing with the wanting to have him contact me on a normal basis, feel that closeness, and just when I think things are gonna get better .. they remain the same.

I can feel it every time we are together that he has feelings for me, that he wants to be with me, funny thing is, he doesn't want to leave my side when we are together, but when it's time for him to go, it's like he runs for the hills. He just takes off. It's like he gets mad at himself or something. I feel that he's afraid of having a relationship and so shuts me out. He's hot and then cold. Confusing and I admit it stings a bit.

I also debate on a daily basis if I should contact him or not. Usually, I just go with my gut. Then depending on his response, I go from there. It's hard trying to guess when it's a good time to contact him via email or phone.

Insecurities play a big role sometimes when I freak out, I never tell him tho, but it makes me wonder what he's doing, who he's with, why he's not contacting me, but I'm learning that in my case, he's busy with college, he has taking double the courses which take up most of his time. And I'm sure in between there he's still dealing with his PTSD. So here, I wait and see what will happen. I'm not saying I'm waiting on him to do something rather I'm waiting on time to either help us form a relationship or lead me to the right man for me. It's confusing. But that is what gets me thru the days.

Hope this helps.