Wake Up One Day And Decided He No Longer Loves Me

[Jordan]

He doesn't communicate much with his family.. He pushes them away. We live together in my house.. But he is moving out. We briefly spoke today.. Id been trying to keep distance but it came down to "right now is not the time for us." He stated that he can't be with someone who can't trust him yet he never gave me the chance.. I told him I think we needed space.. Since we've never given ourself the opportunity to miss each other. He said only time will tell. I'm trying to stay positive. He says he still loves but I keep thinking he is too far gone. He keeps pushing away the people that care the most.

 

[Chava]

Sorry you're going through this. Based on what you've told us, separate space sounds like the only way to clarify things...and time, and possibly accepting that his "time" and yours might be wildly different. Or that the connection is either not there or will not change. I don't like to make trauma comparisons, but I can't imagine the horror of what he went through...even with my less drastic traumas, I feel like some days I just want to survive, and I personally need isolation in that mode...I can feel really overwhelmed by relationships. My relational system goes offline. Sleeping with people is possibe (well, barely since I got sober, so nevermind), but not really relationships.

Sort of like KwanYingirl noted, he has A LOT to deal with, and while you want to help, trying to love his problems away or fix the relationship might not be helpful. If he's decided he doesn't love you or does but needs to push you away, I'm sorry that hurts so much, but you also can't control or fix his feelings to match yours. Helping create boundaries that make sense would be helpful. I don't know...but if he's done it's good he's moving out so the confusion can hopefully come down for both of you.

 

[Jordan]

Thank you, I have had some time to really think about things. Last night he came home with a good mutual friend of ours and they both drank. At one point we were all sitting in my living room joking around with each other. Our friend walked out of the room and I said,"your going to miss me while I'm gone aren't you?" My tone was very jokingly. He said, "Probably." Also we both were in the kitchen at one point and as I went to leave and go back to my room he kept trying to block me from walking by..I later asked him alone the same question when he came back to what use to be our room and he said, " I probably will" I said are you still going to move out.. he said he didn't know. So this is what we went through last time before I left for vacation. So apart of me feels that he is just stringing me along but another part is trying to convince myself that its ptsd and that his emotions have just been overwhelming.

 

[jmni]

You should of broken it off when you saw his texts and realized he was telling her and you the same thing, and lying to evryone else. You haven't been able to trust him and it's been torturing you. It just seems like you've made countless mistakes during this entire ordeal and just put up with too much. I don't want to be mean, but I think that you have been "played." But based on some of what you wrote, I feel like you have left the door wide open for this and that you are even enabling this relationship and his behavior.

You should ask yourself if it would be such a bad thing if you broke up for good and moved on. Maybe you just don't want to be alone. I think your attachment could be based more on co-dependency.

This is just my two cents but I am compltely against being roommates with men, especially those you have feelings for. It's very difficult emotionally and even without any romantic entanglement I always feel that somehow any man will find someway to do something inappropriate and it's too much fo a headache to put up with.

I think you need to make a decision and stick with it. But what you communicate has to reflect that. Think of it this way. He can either stay and you can keep putting up with the same stuff or he can leave. If you want him to leave, it's your house. You have to say "I want you to leave and not live here anymore." and "Move out by the end of the week" not "Are you still moving out?"

I mean, his ex changed her number and has nothing to do with him anymore. I might interpret that to mean that she took the opportunity to get away from him and block him out becuase he's no-good. When you asked if he would miss you the only thing he came up with to say was "probably." This guy sounds like a jerk.

 

[Jordan]

I agree I have let him have full control. Do I love him though.. yes very much. And I can admit that I don't want to be alone at all.. I hate it. My problem is that I have a bad habit of blaming myself for everything. I keep thinking that our last argument about trust issues was all my fault. He told me over and over again that he couldn't be with someone who couldn't trust him. But he stayed. even though he said he was done, and things seemed fine. When we are good, we are GREAT. In my heart I want it to work out.. we were so happy and I know we can be. I feel like we are toxic for each other right now, we literally have never been apart for more than 2 days in the last 9 months. I think we both need space to really "miss" each other. I think we have smothered each other to the point of pushing each other apart. I also think we rushed into things very quickly and even though he was the one pushing for a lot of it, I think it overwhelmed him once it started happening.

I just feel that if he was really going to leave, he would have left. If he didn't want anything to do with me he wouldn't try to spark up conversations while we both are at the house. He is a very blunt/honest person, he doesn't sugarcoat anything.. he calls it how he sees it. Many of our mutual friends have said that they doubt he will leave me just because of how he acts around them when I am not around.

He is the type of person that he doesn't like confrontation but he isnt scared of it. He likes to be alone to think and sometimes with him it can be a couple hours or a couple days.
I am thinking that since I am going on vacation for 10 days he will have time to himself and have his "bro" time. This, like someone said before, will determine is we are meant to be. time and space show it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

You can't expect that this 10 day separation is the magic potion that guarantees you'll both realize you're madly in love and will live happily ever after. In all of your posts you are grabbing at straws flying through the air, hoping against the odds that he is not the person you describe. I don't sense any concern from you regarding his PTSD. That's a red flag. It's all about love and who loves who and I'll show you watch me go away then you'll see what you're missing. And he's all drinking with his friends acting like a Marine that just returned home from Hell and trying to destress. He's got a new normal and a lot of sadness pent up. You say he quit drinking then you say he's drinking. So what is he doing? Whatever he feels like with no thought of you. He is 24 years old. That's an infant in man years. Trade up to a more mature emotionally stable guy that can share emotionally. And you have some soul searching to do. Enjoy your vacation.

 

[jmni]

I agree I have let him have full control. Do I love him though.. yes very much. And I can admit that I don't want to be alone at all.. I hate it. My problem is that I have a bad habit of blaming myself for everything.

Have you considered that it's not guilt over these little arguments that is the problem. Perhaps in the bigger picture you blame yourself for everything.

This is a mess. You should of broken it off with him when you found out he was a cheater and a two-face. At this point he's still complaining that you don't trust him. He wants to force you to trust him and you want to force him to appreciate you. He's told you that he wants to leave and you're interpreting in your own way. But it could very well mean he just doesn't want to leave your house, that he's incompetent and can't get off his butt, or that he's waiting for another woman to come along and replace you. I think you may be guilty of romanticizing and projection in this care. This guy is just a 24 year old who doesn't know how to act like a man. You can't really enable him and hope for the best. At his age he is probably not ready to settle down anyway.

I don't really like to tell people to break up or encourage people who I don't know to end it. But this situation seems hopeless. If I were you I would tell him to move out for good before you go on your vacation. The easiest thing would be to leave him to his issues, and work on your own. You've backed yourself into an emotional corner.