AlyssaAndersson
New Here
My panic has taken over my life. Completely.
A little background: I dissociate while at school and work. I absolutely love school, words can't do justice. I love learning. But being in a classroom setting makes me anxious. I am paranoid in large groups, especially when there are men in those groups. Whenever I am in the presence of an older man I panic and feel like if I don't get out of the room and away from him, I will be raped. My PTSD has made it nearly impossible for me to go to class, resulting in me being dropped and having to lie to my family. I have to keep up appearances and pretend I am going to classes when I just sit on campus, and read and write until my ride comes to bring me home (I don't drive - my PTSD has fracked that part of my life up, too). Then the next day, I start again.
This semester was supposed to be different. I have been prepping myself for classes by slowly introducing myself into public after being a hermit for months. I was excited; I might be able to lead a normal life again. Then, an hour ago, I go to check on my school web page (Blackboard) to write down my schedule. I notice that I have been dropped from all of my classes (save for one) because I haven't been able to pay for them. And because I haven't been a full-time student for more than one semester I have to pay for my classes up front instead of waiting until the end of the semester. The only class I am still enrolled in starts next month (I was supposed to start today), so until then I have to continue with this lie: I go to school, go home, copy, paste. I refuse to let myself be sucked into this cycle.
My question(s): How do you tell your family that you have Post-Traumatic Stress? How did your family / friends respond?
My greatest fear is to let my family down and I don't want to hurt my father by making him feel like this is his fault. He seems to take responsibility whenever I seem sad or quiet on the phone or when I'm visiting (my parents divorced when I was still in diapers). He thinks he's "broken" and he feels so guilty that he might have passed on his "illness" to me. The rest of my family is also very ignorant when it comes to mental illness, and whenever I have shown signs of "weakness" (i.e. panic attacks) in front of my mother she's been very critical and it's only made my anxiety worse. I guess another fear is telling my mom. I believe she thinks little of my dad because of his mental illness (he is manic depressive - bipolar, type I - and hasn't been able to hold down a job since I was a kid. He also lives with my grandparents.) I'm embarrassed by / for him. I don't want to end up like him... I know that's a terrible thing to say. I love my father with every fiber of my being, but sometimes it hurts to hear his voice or look in his eyes because I feel his misery. I don't want that for me, and I sure as Hell don't want that for him.
I refuse to give up and I know that I am smart enough to pull myself through this (I've done it for years), but I have been feeling defeated lately. I need someone to turn to. I can't keep everything bottled up. It's not healthy.
I apologize for being absent in the forum; the only post to my name is really cold and it hurt me to write. It's probably why I haven't been back. I've been hesitant about this site because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, but I realize now that I need to make myself vulnerable in order to get better. I can't be so distant all the time... And I need to finally admit that I need help. I hope that this forum will help me. Thanks for listening, and sorry again for the lengthy post. :)
A little background: I dissociate while at school and work. I absolutely love school, words can't do justice. I love learning. But being in a classroom setting makes me anxious. I am paranoid in large groups, especially when there are men in those groups. Whenever I am in the presence of an older man I panic and feel like if I don't get out of the room and away from him, I will be raped. My PTSD has made it nearly impossible for me to go to class, resulting in me being dropped and having to lie to my family. I have to keep up appearances and pretend I am going to classes when I just sit on campus, and read and write until my ride comes to bring me home (I don't drive - my PTSD has fracked that part of my life up, too). Then the next day, I start again.
This semester was supposed to be different. I have been prepping myself for classes by slowly introducing myself into public after being a hermit for months. I was excited; I might be able to lead a normal life again. Then, an hour ago, I go to check on my school web page (Blackboard) to write down my schedule. I notice that I have been dropped from all of my classes (save for one) because I haven't been able to pay for them. And because I haven't been a full-time student for more than one semester I have to pay for my classes up front instead of waiting until the end of the semester. The only class I am still enrolled in starts next month (I was supposed to start today), so until then I have to continue with this lie: I go to school, go home, copy, paste. I refuse to let myself be sucked into this cycle.
My question(s): How do you tell your family that you have Post-Traumatic Stress? How did your family / friends respond?
My greatest fear is to let my family down and I don't want to hurt my father by making him feel like this is his fault. He seems to take responsibility whenever I seem sad or quiet on the phone or when I'm visiting (my parents divorced when I was still in diapers). He thinks he's "broken" and he feels so guilty that he might have passed on his "illness" to me. The rest of my family is also very ignorant when it comes to mental illness, and whenever I have shown signs of "weakness" (i.e. panic attacks) in front of my mother she's been very critical and it's only made my anxiety worse. I guess another fear is telling my mom. I believe she thinks little of my dad because of his mental illness (he is manic depressive - bipolar, type I - and hasn't been able to hold down a job since I was a kid. He also lives with my grandparents.) I'm embarrassed by / for him. I don't want to end up like him... I know that's a terrible thing to say. I love my father with every fiber of my being, but sometimes it hurts to hear his voice or look in his eyes because I feel his misery. I don't want that for me, and I sure as Hell don't want that for him.
I refuse to give up and I know that I am smart enough to pull myself through this (I've done it for years), but I have been feeling defeated lately. I need someone to turn to. I can't keep everything bottled up. It's not healthy.
I apologize for being absent in the forum; the only post to my name is really cold and it hurt me to write. It's probably why I haven't been back. I've been hesitant about this site because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, but I realize now that I need to make myself vulnerable in order to get better. I can't be so distant all the time... And I need to finally admit that I need help. I hope that this forum will help me. Thanks for listening, and sorry again for the lengthy post. :)
