Relationship Want But No Longer Need

[hopelives]

Ok

So If you are a sufferer I hope what I am saying doesn't hurt or offend. I am kind of thinking out loud trying to get opinions.

As most carers I never imagined myself in this place. I basically am a single mum with 5 kids. He is very rarely around or helpful with much. He does try at times. I know he is giving his heart and soul into therapy.

I rearranged the whole house dismantled furniture fixed walls the whole deal.
Now yesterday I had to fix some doors and I actually put new handles on made the holes whole deal. My dad was extremely impressed as he is a builder and even he hates doing it.lol So I was on a high. I have other plans to fix up the place as well.

Now I realised that I love my husband and want him. BUT I no longer need him. I have proven to myself that I can do everything. I can do all the male dominated jobs that need doing around the house and more. I don't need him. I feel sad because I want to need him and have that reliance on him.

I suppose I just want to know is it like that for everyone or am I alone.

But also I have come to realise I'm fine. Like I dont have to worry if things are going to ever work out or if I'm going to cope as I have proven to myself that i can and will.

 

[amethist]

You are not alone feeling like this sickofit.

I look on it a different way though, we don't actually NEED anyone to else to be able to live, work survive or any of that. What we WANT is different. We WANT care, companionship, love and all that goes with a relationship.

So if you split it down like this, being self sufficient in a good way, is just fine. ;)

You go for it girl, put those handles on and fix those doors. I'm getting a tool belt for my birthday and lessons in how to talk like Tim Allen in Home Improvements. Please don't ask, it's a long story LOL.

Amethist

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi sickofit,
I have to say that well done on the door handles im sure there is many men who couldnt do that.
I hope your husband is proud of what you can do even if he cant show it.

I personally think that its good that you dont NEED him So that you can WANT him instead.
I have wanted to feel that I was needed by my (ex) GF but do you know when I realised that she didnt need me that she could do anything I can do, that she was with me only cos she wanted to be then I was a lot happier.

I basically am trying to say that I think that its healthier to want than to need if that makes sense
Take care
LB

 

[Turtle]

Even as a sufferer, I like it better when I want my carer around, not when I need him around.

It seems to mean more to me then when I make that choice to have him there. I feel more connected with him then, compared to when I need him to help me.

 

[hopelives]

You are not alone feeling like this sickofit.

I look on it a different way though, we don't actually NEED anyone to else to be able to live, work survive or any of that. What we WANT is different. We WANT care, companionship, love and all that goes with a relationship.

So if you split it down like this, being self sufficient in a good way, is just fine. ;)

You go for it girl, put those handles on and fix those doors. I'm getting a tool belt for my birthday and lessons in how to talk like Tim Allen in Home Improvements. Please don't ask, it's a long story LOL.

Amethist

HEHEHEHHEHEHEH you have to share now.lol

Love the way you look at it and has made me feel much better about it. Thanks

 

[amethist]

This is a story from way back sickofit, well before my husbands accident, almost 10 years ago to be honest.

When we met over 10 years ago, he was impressed that I could do so many household repairs myself. From putting new fuses into plugs, to fitting new pumps to my washing machine, and so many other things. I had to learn over the years of being a single mum, and not being able to afford to pay for someone to do things for me.

When he first started watching Tim Allen on the comedy show Home Improvements, he kept winding me up because I could do the voice of of an English guy who was big on TV at the time, he could not. But he could do the Tim Allen grunt, but I could not, still can't LOL.

I do a lot of the DIY jobs again, so the tool belt for my birthday, because I kept dropping stuff while I was papering the kitchen before Christmas, and the Tim Allen grunts because he thinks it is funny.

Plus I am better at the DIY stuff LOL, I am not the one who used a 6 inch screw to hang a shaving mirror in our bathroom. :rolleyes: The house may fall down, but the mirror would be still there ROFL, hanging for all to see.

Amethist

 

[lovinbiker]

When we met over 10 years ago, he was impressed that I could do so many household repairs myself.

Plus I am better at the DIY stuff LOL

I like that story amethist GIRL POWER :D :D

I think its something that many single mums end up doing as something that they just pick up little bits along the way out of a need to get things done but no money to pay anyone else.
I think its great..... means I can spend the weekends on the bike!!:eek::eek:
LB

 

[ISupportHer]

Funny hearing this. In my wife's previous life, her co-workers bought her a leather tool belt for Christmas because she was always fixing everything!

ISH

 

[hopelives]

Well my husband and I were talking yesterday and I told him about this thread and he actually said it made him feel relieved that I wanted and loved him BUT didn't need him. He said me needed him gives him a panic attack. So the conversation was rewarding.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sickofit,

I am glad to hear the conversation went well. It is strange to read your posts, as I identify what you are going through, but not for the same reasons. I too was a single parent, in a marriage, but due to substance abuse and an individual that became a psychopath. So I can relate to the level of responsibility you carry. (Four children in my case.)

But as a sufferer, I can understand the relief of being wanted and not needed. Sometimes one feels they can barely take care of themselves, yet alone meet the needs of others. But regardless of how I feel, I still have a responsibility to meet the needs of my family. I hope that as your husband recovers you have a better relationship than you ever thought possible. It does happen.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie