Relationship Want To Be Supportive

[HopelessRomantic]

This is my first time posting and could use a little advice.

My lady friend and I have been friends for 7 years and have been dating for 10 months. In between us meeting and dating she had joined the Army and had been date raped but another service member. The Army treated her horribly and wouldn't admit that it happend. She eventually got a medical discharge because of it. Years later we meet up again and started seeing each other. Things started out as bascially friends with benefits with probably more emphasis on the benifits, which was easier for her to relate to. Over time our relationship grew and we became very close. A couple months ago the VA finally gave her a service connected disability rating, basicly it's the first time anyone has admitted that it even happened. This of course has created a lot of stress on her.

Due to this we decided to put a hold on our sexual relationship. I was actually the one to bring it up, sense she was too scared to. I'm perfectly fine with this and she said nothing else would change. Unfortunately she is having issues with any type of intamacy or affection. She can barely touch me and we don't kiss at all.

She tells me that I'm the first guy she's dated who hasn't told her it's her fault, didn't believe her or treated her like she's damaged goods. So I know she appreciates me. The problem lies in that in my former relationships when the girl has pulled her affection from me I just ended up being used, cheated on, treated horrible and so on. I stuck around way to long in those situations and tortured myself way too much. Now her pulling away is giving me major anxiety. I know this is a diffrent situation but that doesn't make it easier. We are both in our own seperate counseling and I'm working with my therapist on my anxiety issues.

I'm just looking for advice on how to support her without driving myself crazy.

thanks

 

[step2]

Have you asked her what she needs and wants from you right now?

When my H had to tell a VA shrink what all he experienced, I actually had to drive him home and he was fragile for some time after.

 

[Pale Warrior]

I know it is a cliche, but you need to stay focused on you right now. Any discussion needs to be very calm and uncomplicated, as step2 says, asking her what she needs and wants right now is a very good start.

Therapy can bring up feelings and memories long stifled, and processing the thoughts between sessions can be isolating. Be gentle with her and be gentle with yourself, you are both in a hard place.

If you are both working through counseling, both striving to heal, then there is something to celebrate.

 

[LizardViolet]

Keep working on your stuff, and give her the space to work on her stuff. If you work on your stuff, perhaps you will be able to see her as herself and less through the lens of your past relationships. If she works on her stuff, eventually, hopefully, she will be able to handle intimacy again.

In another thread about recovering, a supporter said that things got worse before they got better. This is the worse. Hang in there.

 

[ProudWife99]

My husband and I learned that through his treatment, issues of mine were uncovered that I had long been ignoring.

There is some hurt and things that are being uncovered in your past that you now have an opportunity to heal. Seek help, as you cannot make sense of all of this AND your past on your own. She is not those woman, she is a different woman. Help yourself come to terms with those things as she comes to terms with her own issues.

If you wait, resentments and hurt will only build in you both.

 

[BigBear]

The best support that you can give her is consistency. She must always have the truth from you. She must know that what ever she is at the moment (as long as its not abusive) you accept that from her.

Probably one of the best things that you can do right now is take her on as your best friend. Forget about girl friend. Step back and let her take the lead on that side. If you can do that it will make you feel less stressed too.

Now about taking care of you. You and your T need to work that out. It's all about boundaries. Set up good, strong and CONSISTENT boundaries and you'll do great.

Don't know if any of that makes sense, but there it is...

Bear

 

[Tifanee]

I agree with everything above. Each of you need to own your stuff and take the lead in your therapy journey. Keep things simple and clear with your lady friend, and don't take the affection withdrawl personally. She isn't rejecting you, she isn't rejecting your love..she is trying to love herself and needs to retreat inwards to handle the emotions. Sometimes it is too much for our partners with PTSD to handle all that trauma and the emotions with the stresses of life and deal with responsibility of their part in a romantic relationship. We give them space when they need space, we hug them when they want us near, and we are never too far away always supporting.