Supporter Want To Help

[Kermoe]

Yes, this is ridiculously difficult to do. Nine months ago my husband was involved in a high speed head on car collision, caused by another driver being reckless & speeding.

After weeks in intensive care & months in hospital my husband is making a good physical recovery however has been diagnosed with PTSD. This sounds so very selfish of me but I feel that it is me who has PTSD but everyone tells me it's only because I'm run down & exhausted. I actually found the collision when he was late home from work & not answering his mobile I went looking for him. Thank goodness I did.

Hubby truly has been wonderful but shows a lot of the signs I've been reading about on this site. The inability to trust, he has withdrawn from me in that there has been no sexual intimacy although he goes mad if I don't hug him all night or kiss him every time I leave or return to the house. It confuses me so much that I am turning into a nervous wreck, always feeling scared that I'll say the wrong thing or speak in the wrong tone of voice. He is a good man & would move the earth for me to make me happy but speaks to me horribly, like I'm only here to serve him. It is as if he punishes me for the very thing he does to me.

Is this all part of PTSD?

I have been looking for a support group in my area but no luck so far. Your website is the best I have found. I am procrastinating going to my GP but think possible I may need anti depressants to get through this. I know it is important that I stay strong & healthy to help my hubby. I do want to help him but at this point am scared because it is taking every ounce of strength I have just to stay with him.

I haven't been able to work since the collision as he needs me to drive him to appointments etc, he can't manage being in a car with any other driver. It is difficult enough with me, he only said yesterday he'll have a heart attack just being a passenger.

He doesn't realize how much his words hurt me & I'm too scared to say anything to him for fear of upsetting him more.

So not being able to go to work, hence no income for me & his payments only cover the mortgage, I have little opportunity to get any 'me' time. I understand how important this is & am trying every day to go out for an hour walk.

Any words of help is greatly appreciated. I don't need sympathy, I just need to know how to get us both through this in a practical way. He is seeing a psychiatrist but unfortunately doesn't do what is suggested & simply takes medication hoping that one day it'll all be ok. And mostly doesn't realize how much this is hurting me. Now I really feel selfish for even saying that but it's the truth as I feel it.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Kermoe, welcome to the forum! What a rough road that accident put you and your husband on. I'm so sorry for all your pain. This is a good place to get help and support, and there is lots of super information here. Read around, old threads, new threads, and ESPECIALLY the posts at the top of the forums.

He doesn't realize how much his words hurt me & I'm too scared to say anything to him for fear of upsetting him more.

My thought on this is that you have to tell him honestly and fully how much his behavior hurts you. If he gets upset, (and he should, who wouldn't?) then you know he heard you at some level.

My other quick off the cuff thought is that a psychiatrist is likely only to try drug therapy - and that is not the most effective treatment for PTSD. If I were you I'd seek out a trauma specialist (psychologist) for both of you. If there is someone in your area who the schools/police/fire department go to after major incidents - that would be a good person to consult.

Best wishes for peace and healing for you both.

 

[Kermoe]

Thank you Eleanor, you are very correct, I need to be more honest with my feelings after all if he doesn't know he is hurting me he can't change it.
We are fortunate with our psychiatrist that he is a pain management specialist also & uses meditation etc, not only drugs. In fact hubby is on very little drugs other than for physical pain.
Hubby still doesn't think he has PTSD, he says 'this is just who I am so get used to it & accept it'. Maybe he is right.

 

[Eleanor]

Only have a sec, so can't couch this more gently: Trauma Specialist Consultation for BOTH of you. Psychiatrists don't know much about it. And I sure hope it's not "get used to it and accept it" because it doesn't sound sustainable or healthy to me.:( You guys are both hurting big time. :cry:
Peace and Courage.- E

 

[TranquilStream]

Yes it is a part of PTSD.

My son was the same way at night, freaking out and trembling, would want me to stay awake ALL night and hold him - it was absolutely exausting, I thought it might kill me if I didn't get it worked out.

I used over the counter meletonin for him and slowly as he progressed over about 12 months he started sleeping through the night again in his own bed. But this progress was done in very small steps - like having our beds connected in the same room. Then slowly separating them. It went from holding his body all night to holding his hand all night, and then occasional needed touches to eventually not waking up anymore.

I would take really good vitamins, protien drinks, and anything that will help you maintain excellent health (provided energy) over antidepressants.

My son also used to physically attack me because he was so upset, fortunately he was only 8 so I could handle it but yes the attacking is a part of PTSD - its the "fight" of the Fight/Flight response. That is also gone now. He's recovered and it never happens anymore.

Good sleep is one of the most important components as well as nutrition and an atmosphere of safety. Don't take his words personally and don't expect a good sex life at this point, wait til he recovers.

The withdrawls from coming off of antidepressants are horrible - I know, I've done it. Ended up on morphine in the hosptial due to the withdrawls. This situation could be temporary. That's why I suggest nutrition. Excellent nutrition, a high calorie diet if you are kept up at night.

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[Kermoe]

Wow, it is overwhelming at how many people are suffering this terrible disease. So much to know about it also. Thank you for sharing your information, it is helping me immensely. If I know what I am dealing with I can deal with it.

Hubby & I started a diet together using meal replacement drinks, he is doing well but that is when I started experiencing severe anxiety & depression so have gone back to eating a balanced healthy diet full of real food. Also I'm having kinesiology sessions & taking natural supplements as prescribed by a naturopath.

Hubby thinks that if he buys me things; example: he had a new kitchen built for me, I will be happy. No matter how many times I tell him that I don't need 'things' I need him, he doesn't hear it. We spoke today about our depression & he is happy to wallow where I am not. He asked me how it is that I can organize Christmas Day with family, why would I bother he asked. I said because I chose to be happy & organize enjoyable times & I hope that he choses to be happy with me. With that he took himself to bed to sleep the afternoon away. Obviously I am wearing down & totally exhausted all the time, I would like nothing more than to go to sleep & wake up when it's all better. I can only do 1/4 of what I was once able to achieve but right now I'm doing the best & most I can. I had thought of getting antidepressants as I have had to take them before but I'm trying everything else first.

I've had a lot of loss in my life, both parents, 2 failed pregnancies, my brother ended his own life so I understand depression & have been diagnosed with suffering situational depression. Which is where I am now but once again determined to come through all the better for the experience.

I do apologize, I just realized this is probably not the place to vent my woes. I will investigate where I can meet a good Trauma Specialist Consultant. There is just so much to know.

 

[J'aime]

Dear Kermoe,

I am having one of those "bad days", so I didn't read all of the above posts, just skimmed through them. But I read your first post, and your husband definitely needs to be seen by a doc, therapist, whatever. My ptsd was bringing my fiance down in many ways before I was diagnosed and was able to seek the correct medication. I have no idea why or how he stayed with me through the crap I put him through. But looking outwards from a ptsd sufferer's perspective, you do not deserve to have your life drained away because of his trauma. That is not meant to sound harsh or empathetic...but 2 years of my fiance's life was hell because of what I was going through, and ultimately putting HIM through.

I hope you both find the help you both desperately need. Prayers and hugs.

-J'aime xoxo

 

[Kermoe]

Thanks for your kindness J'aime. I'm praying for you to get through this day & onto a better one. Bless you xoox

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Kermoe, Vent away! If you find writing stuff our at length is helpful you cold start a trauma diary in that section. Sorry for the abrupt post yesterday (I have a five year old!) I SOO want you guys to get help because it can make such an enormous difference and we live in a time (finally) when there is help to get. I think it is perfectly possible that you both have PTSD from this awful incident.

Here is what strikes me as interesting? You "would like to go to sleep and wake up when its all better" and he just tries it. Or maybe I'm a dolt and that was a little irony on your part.:oops:

I hope today dawns brighter for you. I am with you on the frustration about not getting much done. I used to be a fairly effective and energetic person. Now... not so much. I struggle with minimum most days. It is really hard not to beat myself up for all the things I am NOT doing, but dealing with this PTSD monster takes up so much energy that I just have to remind myself that I am using my resources to deal with the urgent needs of my family right now. If it was a visible illness I might have an easier time with the change. Or not:tdown: I spent some time in my Psych's office crying about how I did such a crappy job with my classes this semester. Worry about it all the time, only cry to the doc who talks less than my friend's phone. :O_o: So I am with you.

Kudo's on choosing to be happy.:tup: I admire your efforts to keep your life running! It is hard hard hard to do when your partner is suffering.:eek:

Did you just treat the depression with medication before, or did you do some therapy too? I've gone through one bout of serious depression in my first marriage, and did medication (which I am not totally comfortable with either) and found the CBT advice about making sure I was minimizing negative self-talk and maximizing good self-talk was very helpful. The thing that convinced me to take the drugs was coming to understand that situational depression can become chronic when your brain gets into the "habit" of feeling that way, and then it is downward spiral. The drugs boost you out. That's just my experience. Hey, crutches are good for when we need support in healing.

Hang in there Kermoe.

 

[Eleanor]

Yes it is a part of PTSD.

My son was the same way at night, freaking out and trembling, would want me to stay awake ALL night and hold him - it was absolutely exausting, I thought it might kill me if I didn't get it worked out.

My son also used to physically attack me because he was so upset, fortunately he was only 8 so I could handle it but yes the attacking is a part of PTSD - its the "fight" of the Fight/Flight response. That is also gone now. He's recovered and it never happens anymore.

My daughter (5) has sleep issues - always has - and still sleeps in the same bed as me. Night before last I had a bout of insomnia (new ADD drug :() and got up to read. She woke up and was inconsolable until I came back. Dad had an "edgy" day yesterday (didn't go into an episode, but on the verge of it) and last night she had a bad dream and started kicking and hitting and crying out - lasted for... well it seemed like a long time. It was hard to wake her up and then she was VERY upset. Does this sound familiar? I have her in therapy already, but am still learning about how kids process trauma. Don't think its PTSD in her - but Dad and I have had some frightening (not physical, but top volume emotional) fights when he was having an episode before I understood what was going on, so it could be.:cry: It's hard to tell the difference between normal kid stuff (she has hit and kicked me too on a semi regular basis - but she inherited her dad's family's explosive temper... so that's likely just normal kid stuff) and results of trauma that need more intervention. Or maybe the other way around.:confused:

 

[TranquilStream]

Eleanor,

"last night she had a bad dream and started kicking and hitting and crying out - lasted for... well it seemed like a long time. It was hard to wake her up and then she was VERY upset. Does this sound familiar?"

Yes, that sounds familiar. I could tell that sometimes my son was not "there". He was responding to something from a memory or in his own mind and would react like burglers were breaking in as well. We've never had that happen or ever even had someone try. I think it was from school practicing what to do if there is a terrorist attack or someone comes in with a gun. His PTSD was from attending school. What I found helped when he would attack me was to just hug him and say I love you. Early on I taught him to talk about his feelings, identify them, and so even though he'd be slamming himself into me in a rage and scared he would say "I don't know what to do!". I could tell he wasn't able to handle the energy coming from the fight/flight reponse so I just tried to be a safe place, stable feedback, as a way of letting him know we could handle this "energy" together. Saying affirming things like, I love you, you're a good person, I'm proud of you, we can handle this, seemed to help more than trying to say things like, "you're okay" because in their mind, they are absolutely not okay.

Additionally, during the day if he felt like talking about anything he didn't like from school I would listen and never make any corrections. If he felt that he wanted to kill someone (even a teacher) because of how they treated him I would just allow him to fully express his emotions verbally and then say "I bet that made you feel a lot of energy didn't it?" (Helping them recongnize energy in themselves helps in realizing they can chose what to do with the energy. (or are in control of it) Scarey experiences, anger and fear create a great deal of energy, its for our good, but when its an extreem situation or we don't have an outlet for it, it can become an interference.

For me, usually, he was never an aggressive type of person. The only other times in the past I had trouble with aggressiveness toward me was when he was on a sugar high drop (low blood sugar). He seems to be sensitive to sugar so we avoid that now and he's never that way anymore. (I also try to give him six meals a day to keep blood sugar levels up.) I think that is an element that is important. If you think about how during the night people don't eat for eight hours and they use a lot of energy with the fight/flight response they may be experiencing some low blood sugar levels. Occasionally, if it had been a really long night or he just wasn't going to go back to sleep I would get up and make an egg and give him a cup of real cherry juice (no sugar added). The combination was great for inducing sleep. I don't think eating at night is a good habit to form but I found sometimes it was useful.

I'm sure its possible she's been affected by the situation but I wouldn't beat myself up over it... just treat the symptoms she's having - children are very resilliant.

 

[TranquilStream]

Hubby & I started a diet together using meal replacement drinks, he is doing well but that is when I started experiencing severe anxiety & depression so have gone back to eating a balanced healthy diet full of real food. Also I'm having kinesiology sessions & taking natural supplements as prescribed by a naturopath.

You may also look into "Detox Symptoms". Depression and anxiety are detoxing symptoms as well. When changing to a more nutritous diet or cutting out sugars it can be quite intense but is temporary