Wanting To Distance Myself From Friend

[Iyllsa]

I don't know why but I just feel like distancing part of me from my friend. No completely, but just.. putting more space there.

I know this is me reverting to my old ways and my friend always tells me to not push her away, but it just seems better for her sake.

I'm thinking I'll just stop telling her about my symptoms or bad days, stop texting her in search of help, and to just.. go back to how things were. Keeping all of my problems to myself.

I feel like my issues affect her too much and stress her out, so it's best I keep them away as much as I can.

I haven't physically seen her for about 2-3 months(I don't remember how long) and I think, for me, it's just easier to assume it won't be any time soon I see her. She always says I'm allowed to spend time with her(since I am not the type to suggest events, but if invited will consider them), but I think it's best I let her spend time with her other friends who are not like me. People who don't have so many issues, who aren't depressed, or just stressful in general. I feel like I'm a bother to her.

It would be too much for her if I were to kill myself, so I'll stick around for as long as I can and be there for her if she needs me.. but I think it's just best I keep my problems away in a different box and away from her.

Maybe this is bad, but I'd prefer she doesn't feel stress due to my problems. I know I should let her be the one to decide what's too much, it's not that I don't doubt her capabilities. She is a strong woman, but I just want to prevent any possible damage I may do that is serious or too much.

Sorry for the typos.

 

[Friday]

but it just seems better for her sake.

I try not to make other people's decisions for them.

Meaning if *I* didn't want to be talking about those things with her? That's perfectly fine. No worries. My decision to make.

I know I should let her be the one to decide what's too much, it's not that I don't doubt her capabilities. She is a strong woman, but...

Exactly this. No buts.

but I just want to prevent any possible damage I may do that is serious or too much.

It would be too much for her if I were to kill myself, so I'll stick around for as long as I can and be there for her if she needs me.. but I think it's just best I keep my problems away in a different box and away from her.

This & This? Stop planning your suicide. Seriously. Use this as a great big giant wake up call that your SI is increasing... & you're intentionally distancing yourself from people, not for their own good, but to make killing yourself easier. Stop that. You don't want to make killing yourself easier. Put your time and energy into making your life easier, and your death harder. Really.

 

[joeylittle]

@Iyllsa - from reading all your posts for awhile now, I have to say: you have a dysfunctional, bordering on obsessive, relationship with this friend. You seem to be enmeshed, and it is unhealthy.

How old are you? How old is the friend? And I'm surprised to read that you ave not seen her personally in months - you posted about the weekend that went awry not very long ago...so how long ago was that event, actually?

 

[Iyllsa]

@Iyllsa - from reading all your posts for awhile now, I have to say: you have a...

I know how this may seem and I know typically it's bad if someone were to say this, but my friend has been having a rough past few months. Our relationship usually isn't this rocky. She's a huge support for me, I can't even begin to explain. She truly is an amazing person and has improved my life's quality so much.

I was hesitant for a good year or so when I first met her, but she is such a comfort to me and eventually I slowly opened up to her.

Maybe this is where the issue arises. She really is like a motherly type of person and I never had that. She knows I never had that and so sometimes she will help and care for me so to give what I missed out on. When I'm not feeling well she'll take care of me, let's me know that she is concerned and there is someone out there that actually cares. When she's not feeling well I do the same for her. I care for her and let her know I'm here.. we support each other and I know the risks of that. I think I am more likely the one that is seeing it in an unhealthy way because she does have multiple friends while I don't.

I realize that that is my own fault.

I don't remember exactly when that happened. When I initially mentioned about her friend, it didn't happen at that time or any time soon. It was just a thought that came into my head that night.. I was thinking a lot of stuff and it sort of got in there I guess. (if you're talking about the one where her and her other friend dropped me off so they could get together..?)


We are at the old ripe hormonal age 19 and 18.. Prime age for complications and emotions to play a role and I know because of my young age things get affected. I am 19 and she's 18. It may seem like it because I've only posted about this rough time and made an account because I didn't know where to turn to talk about it.. but really. Our relationship is typically pretty stable and strong. We keep the drama to a minimum as both of us don't enjoy it. We try to be as honest as we can with each other.. I can't remember a secret I've kept from her besides one event that happened in my past because I'm not ready to discuss it with anyone.

I am picky with my friends and I don't like to make someone a "friend" so easily. She is my best friend and it took a long time for me to be this comfortable with her. I feel like she is also my weakness. She knows me so well and it's both comforting and scary. We are both clingy and I know that can be a bad thing. Sometimes I think we feed off each other and I should put space between us so she can be given space to spend time with her other friends.

I don't disagree that this relationship and even her may be pretty obsessive. I'd like to blame it on my OCD, but I also feel like I know it's not and it's my fault for letting myself get this clingy and close to her.