Was It Something I Did?

[Atomic]

Thanks everyone. Junebug, I've sort of clung onto your advice and insight. You've helped me so much.

I have my moments where I start to panic. I usually apologise and say I still have my training wheels on.

I suppose I'm lucky in that if I ask him to give me a thumbs-up to let me know he's ok, he does. It's a lot different than the past, kind of. In the past I was just cut out and that was that. Still not entirely sure if that's a good sign, or he just doesn't have any energy to argue.

 

[Atomic]

Over the past 8 months, his mother died, his son was critically injured in a work accident (he spent weeks by his bedside over Christmas), he just moved house, has issues with his sister, and reconnecting with me is in the middle of all that. Pretty big stressors for anyone.

I'm having a bit of a pity party at the moment and feel like I'm the expendable one.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG, you need Stress Pitchers, not Stress Cups. :eek: :(

I suppose I'm lucky in that if I ask him to give me a thumbs-up to let me know he's ok, he does. It's a lot different than the past, kind of. In the past I was just cut out and that was that. Still not entirely sure if that's a good sign, or he just doesn't have any energy to argue.

Yes it's a great sign. Communication. Trust. Honesty. Effort-despite-fear or self-loathing.

I'm having a bit of a pity party at the moment and feel like I'm the expendable one.

Yes I could see how. :(

Something weird with ptsd, closeness= comfort without ptsd, sometimes closeness is not desired/ not possible for the person with ptsd. (Like @FridayJones saying it's like having the flu.) But it varies between people, & times.

 

[Atomic]

I sent him an email last night, it wasn't too heavy and if it's the last thing I ever say to him then I'm at peace with it.

In one of his emails to me he seemed really stuck about his memory failing him and having to question every little thing. I don't know what was bothering him specifically about that. Question what? I wonder if he was going back over my visit and rewriting history to fill the gaps. While his recollection may fail him, mine does not. So I reminded him of some truly lovely moments we had. There were times when he wore his heart on his sleeve and was so happy, before the walls started going up.

My bedroom is a reflection of my state of mind. I like it ordered and looking beautiful, clutter means cluttered energy to me. Right now it looks like a yard sale, so I'm going to spend time today getting it back in order. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase, it feels like if I remove it, I will remove my connection with him. Keep moving forward I guess. The day is going to pass whether I sit here stressing or whether I put my mind back in order. I'll have another coffee and think about it lol.