Was Raped, Molested, And Abused. Now I'm A Cutter.

[renee-des]

Hi Renee.

I self harm too. At one point I was cutting multiple times a day. It became a major problem in itself. It's what got me into therapy because a teacher found out.

Anyway, you are definitely not alone with this. I really hope you can take control of it, it doesn't work in the long run. I have found that the urge is much less since finally opening up.

I have actually taken some advice that I have found on here. I chose someone I trust with every single detail of my life. Oddly enough it is a man. I spent so much time trying to avoid them and know I find myself turning to one. The difference is that he is like a father to me. The father I never really had. That is as far as the relationship goes. It's nice to have a healthy relationsip like that. I know now that I am not alone. I'm very grateful for all the people like you that are encouraging me and helping me. I know I am young, but I have lived a lot of life. So, if you ever find yourself needing to talk to someone...you can always talk to me.

 

[renee-des]

Hi Renee-des,

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and that you are struggling in this way.



PurpleHope

Thank you so much PurpleHope. I have tried to do these things. They have actually really helped me to calm down!!

The other day I went to buy some thread so I could make some bracelets. You know those friendship bracelets kids always make at summer camps? I was going to make some so I could cover more of my scars and cuts. I found out that I actually really enjoy it. When I wanted to cut yesterday I started to make a bracelet instead and it instantly calmed me. I know that won't work forever.

It's good to have a handle on it in the now though.

 

[renee-des]

Hi renee-des. Although I've never done this myself, I have a brother who does.

It is definitley hard on everyone when a loved one is involved in something like self-harm. Thank you for the tips.

I tried some out and I actually feel a lot better about things now. The blame is what I feel the best about now. I always blamed myself but more than that I always just hated the people that hurt me. I realize that it is not my fault and although it was that persons choice to hurt me, it will not help me if I hold a grudge.

Thank you for reading and thank you for the tips.

 

[Hazel528]

Cutting has been a struggle for me as well. One of the biggest things for me was choosing for myself that I wanted to try to stop-- not because I thought it was wrong to do, or because I didn't want more scars, or because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't want to. I didn't want it to be something I still did 10 years from now. But we'll see. It can be hard to stop. I'm in a period right now where I haven't cut in a few months, but especially on nights when I'm super on edge, or have a panic attack or flashback, its still a huge temptation.

 

[Rose Monarch]

I'm so sorry you suffer with this problem. My instinct is tell you to do anything you can to try and stop, but I'm a hypocrite, because I'm still cutting.

It worries me that you are so young, I'm 36 now, my Mother started cutting me when I was a tiny girl, as a punishment, and I've been doing the same with blades and burning ever since.

The trouble, as you know, is that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop, and I would so hate for you to be doing this when you are my age.

I suppose this is a pretty useless message, but I hope it helps to know that there are people that understand.

Take good care R.M. x

 

[Mogwai]

This might sound weird but it helped me. When you feel the urge to cut, get a red marker and draw on yourself. At the same time, make sure you're drinking the HOTTEST hot sauce you can find. That way you're feeling pain and you can see the red on your skin. It's a good way to detox yourself from cutting.

 

[rightkindofme]

I hope this comes out the way I mean it to. I can't tell you it will get better. I don't want to be another liar. It might get better. It might not. It might get better and then get worse again. That is what I am experiencing. My father started raping me when I was a baby. When I was nine after one session he held a gun to my head and asked me if I deserve to live. Many other men have raped me.

I have been a fairly extreme cutter since I was eight. Right now I haven't cut in over a year and that's a long time for me. I just turned 31.

I don't cut right now because I don't want to model it as a good coping method to my kids. I'm trying to not feel ashamed of it in general. I wouldn't have needed it so badly if I had been hurt less--it's not my fault I was being hurt. I had to cope in some way. I don't think you need to feel bad either. I really wish there was less shame involved in the practice. It's not ideal, but it's not the worst thing you can do either.

Are you familiar with the principles of Harm Reduction? (I'm not allowed to post links yet but you can google it--it's a therapy approach) It is primarily a way of dealing with drug and alcohol dependance but I'm neither an alcoholic nor a drug addict and I find that Harm Reduction principles are the best for me to cope with life.

It's not that I have to stop doing bad things altogether. It's not that I have to all of a sudden be a perfect person. I am working to reduce how much harm is in my life. I need to. I've experienced a lot of harm both from other people and now from myself. I create more harm now because that is what I am used to and feel like I need. I am slowly working on reducing the harm in my life.

I strongly recommend this book Over the Influence (once again I can't put links yet) and I just substitute "self harm" every time they say alcohol. I have seen a lot of progress in my relationship with myself in the almost eight years since I discovered this approach.

I'm currently in a really shitty spot and I'm not going to lie about it. Life is a roller coaster not a stair case. it doesn't just get better and better. Anyone who tells you that it does is a lying piece of shit and you shouldn't listen to them. There will always be good days and bad days for people like us. But you can chart an overall general improvement in my life. I self-harm approximately 5% of what I used to. My life is better. I am doing better. I still have extreme feelings but I can cope with them better.

This shit is really complicated. :(

 

[Britt.f7]

I have hurt myself when I was a little girl. I started cutting in my early teens. I was hospitalized for it in 10th grade. At the time, they didn't really understand it. This was 30 years ago. They did their best to help me. When I left the head psych said I will still feel like doing it but I won't. I wish she would have been right. I still have urges and have still had moments over the years that I would cut myself. I hate seeing the scars. They are constant reminders.

My aunt and family told me, in explaining why they can't quit smoking, that it's an addiction and I wouldn't understand. I told her that is what cutting is to me, except what they do is socially acceptable behavior. I can't just cut myself in front of people, like they can light up. It calms me like her cigarettes, I've been told, calm her. I think she got it. At least they stopped talking to me like I couldn't understand addiction.

I hurt myself not too long ago. My husband noticed right away. Usually I'm pretty good at hiding it, but he has gotten good at spotting it. Only so many times I can blame it on the cat.

What I try to do during those moments when I feel the intense need to do it I try to stay where I am, as long as I am not in the kitchen. I stay put in my room or the living room. It is never easy to do. But, I know, to avoid harming myself, I can not go anywhere near anything sharp. It is a difficult struggle. I have difficulty reaching out. This is what I need to do. I can guarantee there is a lot of crying and it takes a lot of will power.

I'm sorry what you have gone through. I hope you will be able to get this under control or not do it at all. I wish you peace.

 

[piratelady]

Britt, are any of your scars on a noticeable area? I ask because I have some on my arms, most people don't bring it up, but someone did ask me about it, and my ex noticed them. Has anyone asked you about it? How have you responded?

 

[Britt.f7]

Yes, a good deal are on my arms. They are pretty faint but I don't think that anyone would notice them unless they were looking for them. My last one was pretty noticeable, but, since I don't socialize often, no one has said anything. My husband has noticed the newer ones. I think my sister might notice, but she tends to ignore things, that way they are not happening. I try to, or tried to, do them in a random way so they didn't draw too much attention. When I notice them, I know what they are from, and it bothers me greatly.

If anyone noticed and pointed it out over the years, I don't remember. What I do know is that I wouldn't admit it to anyone, other then my husband. As much as I hate lying, I would definitely make up something or say I didn't remember. I'd have to really, really, trust a person. Even then I couldn't say I'd tell them.

You have to do what you are comfortable with.

 

[rightkindofme]

You do, but it is in reaching just barely past comfort that you can find help. I'm not saying that you need to stop cutting. But there are other ways in the world of coping and it's hard to learn what they are and how they might work for you without asking for help.

At least, that is how I try to treat this stuff. I'm not perfect. You are right, most of the time I evade the question and just don't answer. It's easier. Sometimes I take the risk. It's surprising how often it pays off. I'm afraid that if I try it more often my success rate will go down so I don't take the chance very often.