Wasted Therapy

[piratelady]

I don't know this this is in the correct section or not. I am sorry if it's not.

So, i just had my therapy appointment and it was a complete waste and now I am just so angry at myself and upset that I am so very stupid.

I went in there and said that our discussion about my guilt last week was was helpful. At some point I told him that I can't stop thinking about a certain traumatic event and I feel like I need to talk about it, but just can't seem to do it. Stupid, stupid me did not say, "Help me get this out!" No, I down played it.

I then proceeded to put a smile on my face and say that "Everything is fine!" No, I didn't say that last week I started drinking more than I normally do, have had terrible insomnia, and am struggling greatly not to self-harm. Nope, I didn't say anything about any of that. I said "I'm fine"

We then talk about how I'm not detailed in what I have opened up about. And how I am supposed to talk about all the details over and over and over again. Everything: who, what, where, when. I can't do that. I told him, I just don't think I can do that. I don't know what I will do, because I can't get this stuff out of my head. His response? "Well, if you can separate yourself from it some, it should become easier for you to talk about" How the crap am I supposed to do that?!?!! And no, I did not say the last sentence. I looked down and nodded.

Then he says, "I am glad you are feeling so good lately. I'd rather let you feel good and enjoy some stability, so lets taper this back to bi-weekly from now on. Give you some time to enjoy feeling happier." Do you think at that point I spoke up? Nope! I smiled and said, "I think that's a great idea!"

So now here I am, feeling awful and regretting wasting a therapy session. More time wasted. More time I need to feel like this. More time not getting any better because I have failed at something else, again. Why do I even bother going? I mean, it's just wasting everyone's time. In the end, I highly doubt anything will change. Especially because I don't have the strength to actually talk about all of this. I just can't do it. At the same time, I cannot continue living the way I am. I am just so stuck right now and am so angry at myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Piratelady-
Getting angry at yourself won't do you any good but make you feel worse than you already do. Mabe you were'nt ready to go there, and you did'nt waste a therapy session.

Beating up on yourself won't help you to feel better. Can you write down what you would really like to say and read it to your therapist? I did this with my sponser when I did my 4th step, and it really helped me to unload some stuff and free me up to talk with her on a deeper level.

I do not know why you handled your therapy session the way you did. I just keep thinking you were'nt ready to take another step. 1 bad day does'nt ruin it for you. Hugs. I wish you well. You came here and wrote about it so you are doing what you can. Good luck in what you decide.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks Gizmo! I feel a little better now that I vented. I don't know if I am ready to talk about my trauma yet. I just know that I can't get it out of my head and I don't know what else to do. I think I am mostly just upset because I am hurting so much and I said nothing. I didn't ask for help. So, now I will continue to hurt.

You're right, beating myself up won't do any good. :) My therapist suggested the same thing -writing out what I want to say and reading it. That almost seems like it will be more awkward. I don't know though. I don't know that I want to talk about the details. I just want to talk about how I feel about it. I should have told him that. I guess next time I will try again to convey what I need.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hey I think that is great, you want to talk about how you feel about it. That sounds like progress to me. I am glad you are feeling alittle better. I am glad you won't be beating up on yourself.
It is your process, and that puts you in charge of what you will talk about.

You have alot of bad stuff that happened to you. Take your time, and don't forget to breathe. Hugs.

 

[Ted Moen]

So therapy was good. You learned you aren't talking about the stuff you need to talk about. That's a big therapeutic step. Next step, spit it out. There is no neat way to talk about what you need to talk about. Just spit it out, whatever the "it" that pops into your mind during the next session is. Any "it" will take you in the direction you need to go.

Keep up the good work! In time it will even begin to feel like good work :)

Ted

 

[shell]

I think there are many of us who are guilty of sitting there pretending we are fine, when clearly we are not.

Using the next two weeks to put in action a plan to prevent you from doing it again, and to think about why you think you can't open up may help you get past this.

I have a issue with itimacy, I'm so scared to show how I feel because I feel I will be judged. It's not true, but for me it's holding me back.

Go easy on yourself, no-one said this is easy, but it's worth it.

I always find making a joke about the fact that I say I fine when I'm not, does the trick.

It gets out in the open what I want him know, and makes me cut out the bullshit, I don't know why I think I need to cover up how I really am, habit I guess.

 

[maddog]

Yes, I think we've all been there, hiding behind the fake smile and feeling betrayed and alone afterwards... and that's ok. It doesn't mean you've wasted anyone's time or that you will never find a way to say what needs to be said, just that you are at one of the painful temporary impasses of therapy when what you want and what you can manage feel like light years apart.

I agree with the suggestions to write down what is important that your therapist knows, something similar to your original post would even be a good place to start. Sometimes, exploring the reasons why you can't say how you feel is actually very important therapeutic work itself, and can "unstuck" you without you even realising it's happening.

Don't despair, there are always more chances. If you really feel you need to see your T sooner than the 2-week appointment, try to schedule one in the meantime. Otherwise, try not to put yourself under too much pressure prior to the next appointment and consider talking about your difficulty talking and see where that takes you.

Maddog

 

[Sunrise]

I love the way Gizmo puts it.
You could actually let him know you want to back to weekly - if you do - then write what you have written so well here and give it to him to read when you get there. Might you be waiting for your trust of him to increase a little more..? At least he will know that what you really want is often hard to express and he may respectfully probe. As to the certain traumatic event, if you are really ready, maybe just say so in the note if you write one. You can always change your mind. Take good care : o )

 

[piratelady]

Thanks everyone! I really am feeling much better now and you were all so helpful.

I like your guys' suggestions - I wrote my therapist a letter explaining how I am stuck and how I feel and that I need help figuring out how to talk about this. I will drop it off and then we can discuss when I go back in a couple of weeks. If the urge to self-harm becomes too great, I will go back sooner (sadly, MD, the idea of going back sooner hadn't occurred to me, lol)

Sunrise: You are correct about the trust. I realized that when I woke up last night and started thinking about all of this some more. I know he wouldn't say anything hurtful to me. But I still wonder what he will think of me / if he will judge me. I included that in my letter so we can talk about it.

 

[Srain]

Piratelady,

Trust does take time and by letting your therapist know this is what is holding you back then you can begin to build that trust, talk about it. I LOVE the suggestions here, I have utilized these in my therapy, printing a copy for tdoc and one for me, she has asked did I want her to read at the time or wait (making it clear it was all my choice/my therapy/ my decision) I wanted to say, "later" but would say, "now, please".

It's always scary to open up but it's your time, money, and treatment. Great post!!! You are doing it, moving forward and pushing yourself. It's not easy but you are not alone.

Take good care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[anthony]

Write it down and hand it to your therapist for them to read.

 

[Anthy]

I keep a list I make on the bus ride to therapy. It is usually just a bulleted list. I then get to therapy and say "There are 3 things I NEED. to talk about today" then my therapist knows to come back to my list and will give me time to form words. My list is usually a at least 2 full pages 100% covered, and sometimes I'll just start throwing down sections from it just to get it out so my therapist can write it down on his list of future things to talk about. Those help to get the session going immediately the next week because he'll bring up something we didn't elaborate on last week.

The other thing I want to try doing is having a safe word, a word I can say when I need to speak about something but feel I can't. Safe words are easier for me to say than STOP which is scary and can feel rude even when it isn't. It's easier for me to think a phrase like "tuna salad" than to say something like "stop" or "actually...." because the safe word requires a lot less judgement and internal angst.

I'm glad to hear you feel better than before about it, and happy you were able to vent productively about it! Good luck next session :)