We Are Valuable. Opportunity To Add To A Better Society

[maryiscontrary]

I read post after post about how a lot of people here think that they are a pain in the ass to others, and are ashamed of their symptomology....which are normal human reactions to adverse conditions.

I used to be ashamed. I am also an Aspie (high level autism spectrum), typical geek, so this is another layer to deal with. I have developed a solid sense of self. Let me tell you how.

If you develop iron clad boundaries, and stick to them even though toxic others are raising hell, you will develop your core, and a decent self esteem. The key is sticking to those boundaries. Or, don't put up with BS at any level.

This is something very important I have learned. If somebody keeps telling you what a pain in the ass you are, and doesn't try to talk things out, do counselling with you, etc., then you are probably dealing with a character disordered person who is getting his jollies out of belittling you. So this person is actually a pain in YOUR ass. If you are truly worthless, awful POS, by God, they need to get away from you ASAP.

Empathy might be one of the most valuable evolutionary mechanisms for the survival of humans. If there is a conflict, people with empathy really try to work it out. Take responsibility, find win win solutions.

If a person is laying all the relationship problems on YOU, and takes no responsibility for working with you to find solutions and win win peace, then THEY ARE MORE SCREWED UP THAN YOU ARE.

You are at least not in denial. At least you are working on it. Consulting with your peers, maybe professionals. Here you are, disclosing, doing grounding exercises, etc. And if somebody treats you badly, when you are trying, that person is one Epic Bag of Dicks (EBoD). Think if you were really working at losing weight and exercising, and somebody tells you that you are a fat bastard. That is an EPoD, and it might be in your best interest to get away from them.

Not everybody has to like you. But, when a person has poor boundaries, EBoDs fly in like vultures, cause they smell blood.

You have some DEEP knowledge and wisdom about the human condition. Your ability to add priceless value for mitigating suffering in this world is beyond words. All you have to do is develop iron clad boundaries and tell these vultures NO. GOOD People, will give a damn about your comfort and security, EBoD just get pissed cause they can't extract their pound of flesh, which does not belong to them in the first place.

God Speed.
love, Aunt Mary Contrary.

 

[fly away home]

Brilliant. Thank you. Needed.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks much. And this is true for the supporters here as well.

 

[Underdog]

Thank you for this! I really needed to hear it!

 

[TrundleDub]

I have found this is the case! At times it can lead to isolation, but over time I have concluded that this is much better than the isolation you feel spending time with people who don't understand you. Very good advice. Thanks

 

[maryiscontrary]

Trundle...I don't call it isolation, I call it solitude and peace and quiet. As I developed my core, I find that I like quiet time.

It frees up precious energy to cultivate better relationships. A lot like dating, most will be duds, and if you stay with the duds, you decrease the odds of finding Mr. / Ms. Right to 0%.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

like, LiKe, LIKE!!! Yes, I really do like this post! (Maybe its more on the level of love....)

I may have wonky boundaries and I may not always do the right thing at the right time, but when those red flags start flying, I have NO problems saying "have a nice life, I've had a nice time"....and moving on. I'm doing that right now, actually. Its funny, he's the one who wants me back, saying there have been so many issues between us and we'd need to talk about them all. Ok, this is code for "you have issues and I need to tell you how you bother me." How do I know this? Up until this point he has denied that he has any issues. Correction, he admits that he has issues and isn't perfect, but denies any issues themselves. Sound confusing? Its like he's willing to admit that he isn't perfect (yeah, big leap there) but won't actually face any of those imperfections, instead he chooses to focus on me like I am a project, something that needs to be fixed. I know I have my problems, but I don't need someone to fix me.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Thanks much Solera! And I have been through exactly what you are saying. I pounded into habit nonviolent communication techniques. "I" statements and S.E.T. strategy, among others. Being a geek, I wanted to increase the odds of being heard. Really expressing desire to resolve the situation, and using body language to express I was listening. And for people with empathy, this improves communications exponentially. For people without (EBoDs) they get belligerent or violent, and the ANSWER is right there. There is the proof in the pudding. They have proven that they are not capable of healthy human relations. Unsafe people. Litmus test.