Well F**k It Happened

[Just tryin to heal]

Well f**k it has finally happened after months of fear it all comes true. My other half to be has said the words I never wanted to hear her say "I HATE YOU" so yet another one for the statistics. Broken home, broken relationship,and broken heart. She promised she would never say that but I knew it would happen. How can this not break her my kids will never understand what do I do. i just don't know what to do. F**k my life why am I even here. This can't be how it ends. I love her more then anything in this world( besides my kids ). but i think I drove her away I did this it's my fault why do I have to be such an ass I can't believe I did this. i don't know I just don't know I hate me too. I guess I can't blame her. F**k you PTSD just f**k you brain. things always find a way back to FUBAR.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY I TRY ANYMORE

 

[Just tryin to heal]

I F*UCKING HATE ME GRRRRRRRRRR

 

[seedling]

I knew it would happen.

i think I drove her away

Are you in therapy to figure out what this cycle is? I find that when I'm afraid something will happen I am doing something that leads to it happening. It's a defensive coping thing from another time.
You built these defenses in a time of great need, to push people away to save yourself and keep from being hurt.

I love her

This can't be how it end

This is where your hope lies. Build on this, try to find a way to work through the destructive behavior to get to this stuff.
She hates the PTSD behavior. Can you find a way to let the non-PTSD you win? Sounds like you have some big motivations to do so.

I'm on the chapter about self-acceptance in my therapy book:

You can't hate it away. You can't hate away the memories, the terror and rage you felt/feel then and now. Embrace the truth with self-understanding versus self-condemnation. Do not judge yourself from the perspective of someone who has not lived through what you have. To understand the deep forces that sometimes cause the pain to be turned on others. It's hard work but it can be done.

Hang in there.

 

[Just tryin to heal]

I am in therapy once a week. I have pushed her away and now in my stupid ass way of shutting down and being a horrible version of me. I f*cked up even worse I just got a dog on Fri and was to start training soon for her to be a PTSD service dog but I flip out on her verbally for misbehaving instead of handling it calmly. and now I have f*cked that up too she is now shying away from me and does not want to be near me at all this day gets worse and worse. I should just go away and make everyone's lives easier/better... how can I ask her to forgive me I think it's best to just disappear I love her but I can't be strong enough to not hurt her she deserves better then this fubar life that I am giving her. It's not right of me to ask her to accept it.

 

[Just tryin to heal]

I flip out on her verbally for misbehaving instead of handling it calmly.

FLIPPED**
which i feel horrible about she is back to normal now i will not let that happen again

 

[scout86]

Dogs are pretty resilient and very forgiving. It would be unusual for a dog not to give you a second chance. It's kind of unusual for people too. So, maybe your relationship with your "other half to be" isn't gone beyond repair either. The people who really care about you will usually give you another chance, especially if you're doing the best you can and working to be able to do better.

Remember "doing better" is a process. Everyone makes mistakes along the way. It's what you do AFTER the mistake that really matters.

 

[seedling]

I can't be strong enough

Yeah, and it's sort of "strong enough to be vulnerable enough." I'm a sucker for seeing someone's true pain underneath their actions. If you can be open with her...

Can she go to therapy with you or on her own? Relationship counseling for both of you?

It's great that you have a dog. Sounds like you are working so hard to make it work, to get out of the rage reaction.