Hi, my name is Sandy and I live in Southern California. My husband and I are very much in love with each other, and have been married for 14 years. We have 6 children, we planned the first 4 and then had 2 bonus babies. 4 boys and 2 girls..
12- boy
11-girl
9-boy
8-girl
5-boy
3-boy
I home school my children, and I work in the afternoons as a behavioral modification therapist for autistic children. I recently went back to work after the economy took a dump and everyone at my husbands company received a 20% pay cut. I feel like my family is exactly what a family should be, we even have a white picket fence and dogs..lol
I feel like I am a damaged wife/mother who doesn't deserve my life. I have 6 perfect kids- born against the odds with no disabilities. Working with autistic children as my profession makes me so grateful that my kids are really healthy. I'm not bragging, don't take it the wrong way please, it's nothing that I did to deserve this. I'm just lucky.
Recently in the last year I feel like I have been through hell and back. I will share at a later time. It made me analyze my life. I've always known that my childhood sucked, but I never let it define me. I made sure to be the best mother and wife I was capable of being because I was sooooo afraid to turn out like my mother. I wanted to be the polar opposite of what she was. I thought recent events brought on my ptsd, but I think I have been suffering, but not knowing what it was, for 32 years now.
My ptsd has manifested into severe anxiety. I feel like everything has to be perfect. I have to be prepared a head of time, in charge if you will, of what is going to come next. If something happens unexpectedly it sets me off. I feel like I can't sit still. An example would be, I wake up and I know what is going to happen today.. Get up at 5:00am and start my house work, take a shower, wake the kids up and start school at 7:00 am. I make sure we are completely done with school by 11:00 am, finish doing laundry, grade papers, and prepare for work. Take the children to the enrichment center, or to youth group depending on what day it was, come home and get the kids in order. I start dinner, and then I leave for work. IF I get a call from one of my clients cancelling our session for the day I feel like I don't know what I am going to do next. It is so hard for me to switch my mind set into a different direction. I feel anxious, nervous and have all of this nervous energy that I don't know what to do with. I have lost all flexibility, and has turned into this anxious rigid mess.
I hate being like this. It is hard for me to be joyful, I am so cynical lately. I work so hard to not let my kids see me this way. I put on a mask, but inside I am struggling. My soul is at war with myself. My soul wants to break free of this imprisonment. My husband is right by my side supporting whatever I need. He makes a point to sit me down, look me in the eyes and ask me what I need. What can he do to make me feel better. The truth- just keep loving me. Don't give up on me because I am damaged. I don't deserve all of the energy he invests in me. I am nothing except a wife who puts expectations on her husband to make her feel whole. God gave me this HUGE love for Ed, this AGAPE love. It's a supernatural love that only a divine creator could give me. But why me? I am a mess, not because I choose to be. I don't want to be a mess. I am embarrassed by my childhood, why did it have to be so dysfunctional? Why do I still love my mother so much, even though she was a raging drunk who mother Theresa would have strangled if given the chance. Why did I hold her in my arms as she took her last breath? Why do I still dream about her? I miss her so much, but yet life seems simpler without her. One event after another lately. My heart is in my throat just thinking about it. I think if I were normal I would be grateful that I don't have to put up with her shit anymore, but yet I cry for my mommy. She never really acted like a mommy until I had my first baby. That is when she vowed to be the best grandma on earth and she quit her crap. But 4 years later she's dead. At the age of 42. It's not right. Oh so many things are not right. All I want to do is live happily ever after. I want my children to have a happy well adjusted childhood with tons of memories from good times. I want them to spend the night with friends, go to Disneyland, camp in the Redwoods, have my daughter talk on the phone until 1 am and get excited to wake up in the morning and call her friend back to finish their conversation. I strive for that, and so does my husband. I want my kids to feel safe, secure and wanted. I want to be my husbands loving wife, and sexy girlfriend. I want it all- but I think I am cursed.
What do I do? Do I wait until I am able to post in the Diaries, or do I start sharing my story here? I have NEVER been one to share my feelings about bad things that have happened. I have talked about them, but I always made sure people thought that I was well adjusted. I don't want people to perceive me as a dramatic whiner, nor do I want them to think all I want is attention. I have always been afraid of people thinking that I was an attention whore. That is why I will never seek counseling. What if I went in and the counselor told me that some people have it far worse than me and to get over it. That would kill me.
If you have made it this far, I sincerely thank you. I am hoping to find help, resources, and kinship from this board. I desperately need it. I am so tired of feeling like I am alone in the sense that no one around me is as damaged as I am.
12- boy
11-girl
9-boy
8-girl
5-boy
3-boy
I home school my children, and I work in the afternoons as a behavioral modification therapist for autistic children. I recently went back to work after the economy took a dump and everyone at my husbands company received a 20% pay cut. I feel like my family is exactly what a family should be, we even have a white picket fence and dogs..lol
I feel like I am a damaged wife/mother who doesn't deserve my life. I have 6 perfect kids- born against the odds with no disabilities. Working with autistic children as my profession makes me so grateful that my kids are really healthy. I'm not bragging, don't take it the wrong way please, it's nothing that I did to deserve this. I'm just lucky.
Recently in the last year I feel like I have been through hell and back. I will share at a later time. It made me analyze my life. I've always known that my childhood sucked, but I never let it define me. I made sure to be the best mother and wife I was capable of being because I was sooooo afraid to turn out like my mother. I wanted to be the polar opposite of what she was. I thought recent events brought on my ptsd, but I think I have been suffering, but not knowing what it was, for 32 years now.
My ptsd has manifested into severe anxiety. I feel like everything has to be perfect. I have to be prepared a head of time, in charge if you will, of what is going to come next. If something happens unexpectedly it sets me off. I feel like I can't sit still. An example would be, I wake up and I know what is going to happen today.. Get up at 5:00am and start my house work, take a shower, wake the kids up and start school at 7:00 am. I make sure we are completely done with school by 11:00 am, finish doing laundry, grade papers, and prepare for work. Take the children to the enrichment center, or to youth group depending on what day it was, come home and get the kids in order. I start dinner, and then I leave for work. IF I get a call from one of my clients cancelling our session for the day I feel like I don't know what I am going to do next. It is so hard for me to switch my mind set into a different direction. I feel anxious, nervous and have all of this nervous energy that I don't know what to do with. I have lost all flexibility, and has turned into this anxious rigid mess.
I hate being like this. It is hard for me to be joyful, I am so cynical lately. I work so hard to not let my kids see me this way. I put on a mask, but inside I am struggling. My soul is at war with myself. My soul wants to break free of this imprisonment. My husband is right by my side supporting whatever I need. He makes a point to sit me down, look me in the eyes and ask me what I need. What can he do to make me feel better. The truth- just keep loving me. Don't give up on me because I am damaged. I don't deserve all of the energy he invests in me. I am nothing except a wife who puts expectations on her husband to make her feel whole. God gave me this HUGE love for Ed, this AGAPE love. It's a supernatural love that only a divine creator could give me. But why me? I am a mess, not because I choose to be. I don't want to be a mess. I am embarrassed by my childhood, why did it have to be so dysfunctional? Why do I still love my mother so much, even though she was a raging drunk who mother Theresa would have strangled if given the chance. Why did I hold her in my arms as she took her last breath? Why do I still dream about her? I miss her so much, but yet life seems simpler without her. One event after another lately. My heart is in my throat just thinking about it. I think if I were normal I would be grateful that I don't have to put up with her shit anymore, but yet I cry for my mommy. She never really acted like a mommy until I had my first baby. That is when she vowed to be the best grandma on earth and she quit her crap. But 4 years later she's dead. At the age of 42. It's not right. Oh so many things are not right. All I want to do is live happily ever after. I want my children to have a happy well adjusted childhood with tons of memories from good times. I want them to spend the night with friends, go to Disneyland, camp in the Redwoods, have my daughter talk on the phone until 1 am and get excited to wake up in the morning and call her friend back to finish their conversation. I strive for that, and so does my husband. I want my kids to feel safe, secure and wanted. I want to be my husbands loving wife, and sexy girlfriend. I want it all- but I think I am cursed.
What do I do? Do I wait until I am able to post in the Diaries, or do I start sharing my story here? I have NEVER been one to share my feelings about bad things that have happened. I have talked about them, but I always made sure people thought that I was well adjusted. I don't want people to perceive me as a dramatic whiner, nor do I want them to think all I want is attention. I have always been afraid of people thinking that I was an attention whore. That is why I will never seek counseling. What if I went in and the counselor told me that some people have it far worse than me and to get over it. That would kill me.
If you have made it this far, I sincerely thank you. I am hoping to find help, resources, and kinship from this board. I desperately need it. I am so tired of feeling like I am alone in the sense that no one around me is as damaged as I am.
