Welcome to the Forum T_T_T!
You have found a very special place, with LOTS of support, friendly "fighters" in the war to "fix" what keeps us from moving into positive thoughts and behavior! Compassion, understanding, empathy, and encouragement are plentiful!
I do have to say that you are VERY good at verbalizing what is going on in your heart and head! I think that's pretty unusual! You are WAY ahead in this process of realizing that we need to learn to "manage our thought lives." That really is what it is, since it is US fighting the battle against "US".
@T_T_TYou will learn, and if you stick through the process you can get better... you can't go around your trauma, under it, or behind it... you must go through it, step by step, and it's painful, but also healing...
@She Cat, you say this PERFECTLY!!! Personally, I spent years...YEARS...going around and around in my head trying to make sense out my traumas, and of things that CAN'T make sense, because WE WERE WRONGED! In one way or another, we have each been mistreated, ignored, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Things have happened to us that should NOT have happened, yet we "bring" all those injuries with us as we get older. They don't go away...they "hide" or are temporarily forgotten in the busy-ness of life.
I don't know you, obviously, but I am REALLY GLAD that you are ready to reach out and FIX what is making you "self-sabotage" as you are doing it. You are only 50! Yes, "only" 50. I am sliding into 60 next month, but have been working on my "internal garbage" for a LONG time! I think that when we graduate High School, we have just gotten out of the "kindergarten' or "preschool" of life. Then, in our twenties, we make some lifetime decisions that might not be too well thought out. (after all, we are "adults") Our thirties, are spent living with those decisions, making them work, just "getting by", or getting out of (divorces). In our forties, we are beginning to realize we have "stuff" that we have not dealt with (we did't realize) that has come with us since childhood, and that takes a while to absorb and "dig" through. So, here, at 50, you are in a place where you realize that you have "inner work' that needs to be taken care of, some new habits formed, and maybe some old habits, thrown away...you are kind of a "youngster" in this area. (I'm being a little humorous, but real) You are only half way through life!
Your ability to recognize, and verbalize your issues so well, and in such a concise manner tell me, for what it's worth, that you are WAY ahead! Since you travel, you may not be able to access a "therapist" per se, but there are LOTS of tools on the internet, as well as books, audiobooks, and forums, like HERE, where you can interact with REAL people who are also in the "battle zone" with you! There is a "chat" room that you can talk in "real time", or places you can post advice, and experiences, or just read and find that you REALLY ARE NOT ALONE AT ALL. (I am "chat phobic" so I don't go there) You can also have a diary, which others may or may not read and respond to, but it's a great way to get your thoughts out of your head and into "black and white". That's a BIG help!
My therapists have suggested meditation for YEARS, but I have found it EXTREMELY difficult to quiet my mind. Just last night, I found an App on my iPhone called "Nature Sounds" (I'm sure one of many) that I think is going to help me. When we can "busy" our senses of taste, hearing, smelling, visualizing, and touching, it helps dissipate anxiety, and to settle our thinking so that we can "calm" our thoughts. I think that has to happen before deeper work is done. Not ALL deeper work, but a lot of it.
Just learning to calm and quiet our thoughts is hard, especially for me, and maybe for a lot of others. My therapist suggested some things, just this week, because I'm in a BAD spell of depression, self-loathing, and self-sabotage. This time of year is really rough for me.
I think I may hold the record for long responses, so I'll try to be brief. If I can help you even a little, YOU are worth it!
Here are some "tools, or suggestions" that you can do wherever you stay, like in a motel or an apartment.
First, decide what some of your favorite sounds are. (Mine are flowing waterfalls, trickling brooks, wind chimes, rain, etc.
Second, what are your favorite smells? (Small candles come in ALL kinds of smells)
Third, what scenes can you bring up in your mind...or on your laptop? Beaches, forests, waterfalls, waves.
Fourth, the sense of touch...I like rocks, or shells, something that you can hold and think about how it feels, whether it is smooth or rough, cold or hot. Does it change while you hold it? (rocks begin cool, then get warmer as we hold them.)
Fifth, and lastly, the sense of taste. A hard candy, a drink of ice cold water, coffee, anything that has definite taste. (We always got spearmint gum at my grandparents, so it reminds me of them) Peppermints, butterscotch, hot tamales.
I hope I am making some sense here. All or some of these things can become a "safe place" for your mind to rest at the end of the day. You can put them together in a small box, or whatever works, and take it with you in your briefcase. With practice, just looking at them could potentially help.
My T (therapist) also suggested that I concentrate on Hope, Peace, Love, (giving and receiving), regarding myself. (the receiving of love is a REALLY, REALLY HARD one for me.
I hope this wasn't too long or tedious, but I really sense that you are willing and ready to work on some new strategies. Some of these I have used, and need to use more, and ADD to....
I don't know your beliefs regarding a Higher Power, and that doesn't necessarily matter. I have found deep comfort and my will to live sometimes, by believing that there is more "out there" than what is in my own pattern of thinking. Prayer never hurts, even if it's with questions in your mind. Anyone who has deep spiritual beliefs, (maybe or maybe not religious) has at some point doubted those beliefs. If they are honest with themselves anyway.
Peace and blessings sent your way!
AngelkeeperJ/AKJ
P.S. I don't think I kept this short...I am long-winded. I blame it on being a "preacher's kid."
