General Well, Poor Mr. Ptsd

[LoveHimThroughThis]

After supporting him for months while he "suffered" I finally found this site and felt like there was hope for really helping him since the VA hadn't helped at all.

I read in here and told him that I understood better and was sorry for not being more supportive as I didn't understand the depths of how this affected him. I told him we should go to couples counselling and establish boundaries and better communication so we could get through this as a team. He was so happy, he fell to his knees in tears and proposed!

In less than 2 days later, I discover that not only has he been cheating on me (we haven't slept together even with the help of Viagra) but that he is a pathological liar and an addict.

I am not saying he wasn't affected by what happened during his service to our country, I am saying that it was much more mild than he presented in order to live off me for free and get pills from the VA. I have learned that these behaviors go back long before he went in the military.

He is now skipping the VA because they won't give him the pills anymore, but told them he tried to commit suicide, which is a lie, so that he can stay somewhere other than the homeless shelter until the VSO services can be arranged giving him job training, a place to stay during and daily $$ for food etc while he gets his certification to drive a truck. I also know that he will only do this until Spring term starts at school because when we were there the other day, his eyes were all lit up at the GI Bill $$, Pell Grant and cost of living payments he would get in addition to the student loan repayment he got in his enlistment.

I am so offended that he pretended to be so traumatized by serving his country to manipulate not just me, but everyone out there trying to help Vets who need some help. I have seriously not seen a better actor and I want to scream, but what can I do? He will burn those bridges eventually but after wasting how much funds that could serve someone who actually deserves it?

 

[discarded]

There are times when I wonder if the PTSD is the real issue or if he hides behind it. My sufferer has lied to me on and off over the years but over fairly trivial stuff. Post PTSD the lies became more frequent and about more serious stuff. Then he wouldn't discuss the issues with me because it was too stressful for him. He won't give me any answers, tells me it is in the past and to let it go. Funny haey coming from someone with PTSD, if he could just let the past go he wouldn't be a sufferer. You may have guessed it, sometimes my tolerance isn't so good.

 

[lisamarie]

That's tough. But its also typical addict/cheater behavior and I hope it doesn't change your opinion of PTSD as a very real psychological condition.

Sounds like you just got hooked up with a bad apple....I've been there, done that, bought the T shirt, etc. :O_o:

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

Oh no, I fully know and believe that PTSD is real and a horrible thing for many to deal with, I am just disgusted by his using that as a way to manipulate everyone he comes in contact with. He is disgusting.

And I am upset that he was SO convincing that I never questioned his integrity, there were times I thought he took advantage of his PTSD a little but, as more and more of the depths of his depravity come out I am becoming more and more upset at the situation and my role in facilitating his finding more resources to abuse.

I served briefly in the military when I was younger, and I am well aware of how PTSD is looked down on and dismissed by those in service BECAUSE of people like my ex. He is exactly the person who makes it so hard for people to take it seriously and for those who suffer to come to terms with having it because people like him give it such a horrible stigma.

I want to call these people/agencies that I have been in contact with through getting him established with them and pretty much doing everything to get him set up to access their resources, but I don't know that they would listen or do anything about it since I am a "scorned ex". But, even if it makes me look like the psycho ex that he desperately tries to paint me as, I feel like I must at least TRY to warn them.

Do you think it would have any impact to try to alert the school, VA & VSO to the way he is abusing the system?

 

[treble.maker]

Well, is there any way you can be sure he is faking it? Has he seen any sort of psychologist that evaluated him? They can pretty much tell when someone is lying, and when they are not. That is what they are trained to do. They even have tests like the MMPI-2 to tell if someone is faking something or not.

It doesn't excuse his cheating or anything, and I'm not saying you are better off staying with him. I just hope that you can be sure of what you believe before you go and possibly ruin somebody's life like that.

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

Obviously I am not a medical professional, though I have studied and worked in the medical field, I am not saying that he doesn't have PTSD, I am saying that if in fact he DOES have it, he is playing it up to the extreme to access resources since he has destroyed everything and every relationship in his life, not just me, but also his family and any friends but all of this is behind pill addiction.

I don't want to tell them he is faking, simply to let them know that he did admit to me he was really playing it up for increased disability and drugs. Mostly, I want to make sure that while they are all working so hard to help him that someone either drug tests him or watches him a LOT more carefully to evaluate how loaded he is, he is so affected that those around him have no idea how messed up he is until he is WAAAAY gone.

I am not trying to cost him his resources, merely warn them of his problems and manipulations. For crying out loud, he stole his mom's pain pills the day she came home from major surgery....he is a mess.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((LoveHimThroughThis))))))))

I am so sorry you are with such a sick person. Telling his medical team the truth about his addiction, doc-shopping, and self-harm is absolutely the most compassionate, loving thing you can do. Nobody else has to know that you called them. But they cannot help him if they are unaware.

My dear cousin died of any overdose from her doc-shopping, leaving behind a very traumatized 8 year old daughter. Several in her life knew, but chose to do nothing. Doctors don't want their care to be a tool of a patient's self-destruction.

Please consider getting yourself tested for STDs. Ever though impotent, he can still pass along STDs.

We can still love someone but protect ourselves. A person's recovery is no recovery if it requires pain and abuse of supporters along the way. Love does not obligate us to be used as a tool of a human being's self-destruction. When someone uses us like you've describes, they are choosing to break the social contract and we are free to chhose what we want to do about it.

You deserve so much more in life and I hope you'll set your standards high. Should you decide to give him a chance to meet those standards, you'll know by his actions, not his words, whether or not he's committed to recovery and behavior change.

Trust your gut and refuse to allow the shame and guilt that belongs to him to be laid at your feet.

Protect yourself. Take all actions for self-protection and nurturing you can.

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

I am going to at least try to warn them, but I think from there it is out of my hands. I will also explain how his mother told me yesterday once I convinced her that there was NO WAY I would take him back. I don't care how much therapy or treatment he gets, someone with that kind of deep rooted dysfunction does not "get well" it is a life time of therapy and self examination and he won't do it, though he will sing the song that he is...at the end of the day? I was willing to do anything for this man to help his recovery and no less than a dozen times did I tell him that if he had lied, or not told me something, that if he came clean and was honest with me I would find a way to forgive him and we would work it out together. With tears in his eyes swore he loved me, never cheated on me and HATED pills.

I will not be with a man that CAN help himself but won't, nor will I be with a man who needs more supervision than my mentally disabled child who cannot even be a decent human being to me. As cold as that my sound to some, I have given all I possibly can and it is time for me to run not walk away.

Oh, and I am going to get STD screening just for my peace of mind but not only were we not intimate, we didn't even kiss, other than the passing peck like you would kiss your sister. I am safe but the testing will be part of my closure and moving on.

 

[BloomInWinter]

May you find people who are healthier for you, and may he find the help he needs.

 

[hopeforhealing]

LoveHimThroughThis,
I am so very sorry for all that has happened to you recently. I think it is an example of what I myself fear will be the outcome of my relationship. I have read many of your posts and see some similarities. I am curious and wonder if you feel like sharing if you saw anything that you can now point to an say you saw the writing on the wall? I have said many times to myself and close friends that I feel like I can love my sufferer through this. That if I am patient, loving, kind, understanding.... etc, that eventually we can get back to where we were not so long ago.

Best wishes

 

[discarded]

I left my sufferer 6 weeks ago, for myself but mostly for him. He said he wanted space to sort himself out on his own. So the kids and I left. To my knowledge he is still wollowing in his own misery. He doesn't make contact and gets angry if I do. I don't know how long it will be before he gets help or even if he will. It is frustrating at times that they know they need help but won't take what is offered. I think my sufferer is also afraid of honesty and maybe things he would rather not confess to may come out. I really have no idea and I am tired of speculating. I am worn out and need time to mend myself.

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

Yes there were things I wondered about but didn't want to take hurts from a previous relationship and hold them against the one I was with now with the PTSD. But most of it was things his family had said or that I had read in emails of his that were 2+ years old. His family is completely a mess, pill dependency a big issue with them as well.

Having finally talked to him now in the psych ward, there are some things that I pretty much know they are lying about and some things I am just not sure what to believe.

All I know is last night after finding out he was for sure secured in a hospital, I finally lost my anger and the tears and heartbreak finally set in. I just could not find a way to understand how the man I could see in him was the person I had just thrown out of my house and now looked to have a restraining order put on.

In the midst of my breakdown, I called him. I had no good reason why, I think I wanted him to explain to me, why he cheated when I was here doing everything for him and how the pill thing got us where we are now. He said only that he was sorry, that he regretted hurting me. that he is really messed up and that when he gets out of psych he is going in for drug/anger management treatment. He did also say that he is at rock bottom and giving this 100% to get better.

He wants to move a couple of hours from here when he is done, to remove himself from his messed up family and all his connections for drugs etc. He wants us (my son and I) to go with him. This is not something I would jump into for sure but, I am considering seeing what comes of the treatment program, his willingness to continue getting therapy and if he will still do the in patient PTSD treatment as well.

Even still, in order for me to really contemplate working to fix this relationship, there would have to be more counselling with us together, some time with him being on his own proving he is really serious about doing the right thing and even then, I feel like I am an idiot to even contemplate giving him another chance to destroy me emotionally. At the same time, I still want to be there for him, in my heart I want to give him the chance to prove to me that this was all part of PTSD and a bad family situation.

I am capable, even probably willing to do the work it would take because I do love this damn man but, I would need to be sure he is serious, and that he would be able to work through how much hurt and distrust he has caused.

I have no idea. But I do know that I will have to see dramatic effort and improvement from him in order to really consider giving it any more effort.