Sexual Assault What About This Scenario?

[nay.elizabeth]

When I was 22-23 I was in a relationship and partially living with a man 7 years my senior. We had, what I THOUGHT was a good thing until a few months in.

He would get very angry with me if we didn't have sex every day, sometimes 3 times. He'd become emotionally abusive...etc. etc. We'd fight, scream, make up, it was our routine.

I won't delve into our entire broken, terrible relationship because it doesn't fit here. Anyway, there were moments I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my pajama bottoms off and he'd be touching me...in places. I'd demand he stop and ask him what he was thinking. His responses were always, "I'm horny. I know you'd wake up excited for me. What's the big deal? Are you cheating on me?" and the like.

He'd pretend I'd like it as I slept and I was making a big deal of nothing. At one point I'd resort to wearing pants with drawstrings and two layers of clothes to prevent him from doing it again, and that resorted to him being angry, asking why I didn't trust him. Soon after, I'd begin having stress-induced seizures when he was around or when we'd be in bed together about to fall asleep. He'd masturbate all night next to me, making it difficult for me to sleep.

I know many of you would wonder why I stayed, put up with it. I was in an abusive relationship, I was young, I was the caregiver to his two young children (he didn't take care of them and I felt if I didn't, they'd never eat or be bathed. Truth.) He made me feel as though I had no option but to stay. I was young, naive, blind to it until a friend told me if I didn't leave, I'd end up dead or she'd no longer listen to me complain.

I know that's not considered "rape" but is it assault? I have issues with trusting people...I was actually raped-raped in 2009 after some scumbag drugged me but I feel like if I don't give myself up sexually willingly, someone is going to make it happen before I do. When my boyfriend doesn't have sex with me as often as I feel as though he should, I have extreme panic attacks. I hate myself. It's not enough of an issue where we fight and I don't tell him about it because it's not worth creating problems, it's just weird. "He doesn't want me all the time? If I'm not worthy of sex, what IS my worth?" I've had men throughout my lifetime make me feel as though I'm nothing without sex. As a strong minded woman (other than anxiety and PTSD), this is killing me inside. I just don't understand.

 

[Jnean]

why isn't that rape? I spent 8 years with an abusive sadistic asshole and it took me that long to find an escape route. I too would wake up and he would be on top of me, inside me. I wondered how and why i didn't wake up right away. It sickened me. It was rape. I was also raped as a young teenager by my boyfriend and I was awake for the entire thing and thought it was my fault. I'm a survivor of CSA as well and just now remembering things I dissociated from for over 30 years that I'm working with a therapist on. I just couldn't heal with out help, support, the right medication taken as prescribed which i mess up on at times trying to self medicate. I once thought if no one wants to have sex with me there's something wrong with me. I know now that it was only result of trauma. I have been diagnosed with PTSD but it doesn't define me. Getting professional help has been my only savior other than my own spirituality and even that I have struggled with. Take care of yourself even if it means calling a hotline, spending time to yourself or with people you know love or care about you for certain, seeing a therapist and or a psychiatrist, doing things you enjoy like hobbies or finding some, finding series you might enjoy to watch and look forward to, posting here anywhere anytime, I've found a lot of help here, writing or even starting a journal on here because who will ever see it and know it's you, I could go on and on sorry. It sounds to me you've been through a lot of trauma, don't compare to others, relate and find healing even if in small doses. Hugs!

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I guess it's hard to define rape because everyone has a different interpretation. That's where I get lost in regards to men in my past and what they have done.

It's unsettling thinking he did that to me, that it could potentially be defined as rape, and I allowed it to occur. Perhaps it's because I was naive and didn't think it was as big a problem as it is.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it all and now I keep circling past situations with other men and what some of them did that wasn't okay and a little dangerous.

I should probably avoid thinking about it before I get any more upset. Thank you for your response, I really do appreciate the insight.