Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[krisss]

Try to just enjoy being in the moment with him, be present and allow his love for you to reassure you

I think that's just the hardest part. I try to enjoy it, and then sometimes he'll say things to the effect of well we're broken up or something along those lines, and then it brings me down again.

Do you have any advice about the holiday post i put up? about new years, and asking him to spend it with me? Do you think hes evading it because then spending new years with me would make us more of a thing? leading to more vulnerability?

Also, everyone has been saying just go with the flow, wait for him to come around. I guess, im asking how do I know when he comes around? We act like we're together now as it is, literally everything including our sexual relations and stuff like that. So how do i know? Is this something he is going to just flat out say "ok we're back together"?

 

[mumstheword]

I can't really answer any of that. There's a lot of uncertainty. Surviving is really really hard for us sufferers. If he's getting therapeutic support maybe things will settle but it's just too hard to say. Me and my guy both have children, so there's a lot we just have to endure and white knuckle, it stops us being so flighty and makes us have to think of others more. But we don't expect too much from each other coz we know that any day can be a hell that surviving it is accomplishment enough.
Too much pressure of any kind can send us sufferers to a bad place that's all I can say. Gentle hand squeezes and other loving touches work for us but we are both touchy- feely types. I can't speak for your guy.
I try to help my guy eat well, coz he's not that good at it, that's something. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't deal with this condition, for us, we both suffer so there's a lot we just get about what the other is dealing with. All I can say is I wish you well, but don't try too hard to get him to do anything because it might backfire on you. The more easy-going and self sufficient you can be, the less frightening its likely to be for him. Keep it light, spend time with friends, let him come to you.

 

[Justmehere]

We can all guess what he’s thinking until the cows come home but he’s the only one who knows.

Focus on what you do know: what you need and want in a long term relationship and how this is for you.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you need and want in a relationship. It sounds like you reasonably want stability, to be included in family events, to know where things are going in the relationship... none of which he’s making much of an effort to provide.

Frankly, he seems just fine with his alcoholism (and there is a lot more to alcoholism than just drinking but other behaviors as well, some of which show up in what you describe), avoidance of treatment, and friends-with-benefits relationship with you. If he wanted more, he would have simply invited you to his family’s house, not played games. I mean really, it’s pretty cruel to “drop hints” (if that’s what he was doing) about Christmas for weeks to try to manipulate you into asking to come to the family Christmas... and to not do the normal thing and invite you. It’s strange to bring you lots of gifts but not be connected on social media. Some of what you describe seem like he could even be seeing someone else. It could be that he’s isolating due to PTSD but that’s not an excuse to play games with someone like that.

No wonder you are confused.

I think it’s up to you to decide if this relationship is enough for what you need in a romantic parter or not, just as it is now, without trying to change him.

 

[krisss]

I can't really answer any of that. There's a lot of uncertainty. Surviving is really really hard fo...

Thank you for that insight, and well all of the insight you have given. I like things to be explained and kind of in-your-face so that I get it. Like i said, its just hard. He's very touchy feely with me too, holds my hand in the car. touches my face and legs, loves when I lay on him, will not let me go to sleep without curling up very close to me. All of this again, just confusing. I guess its the title part, or how you explained it that scares him.

I'm going to try to back off and go with the flow, it's just a scary feeling overall.

 

[mumstheword]

I didn't see that post about the Christmas. That was tough. No wonder you are totally confused. I hope you guys can talk more. My guy is drinking and not in therapy but he doesn't drink that much. Alcoholism is a tough call. It sounds very chaotic. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds crazy-making. Stepping away might not be such a bad thing.

 

[krisss]

We can all guess what he’s thinking until the cows come home but he’s the only one who knows....

I am so confused. Sometimes i feel like i know what hes doing, I study it so I can better react to it, and then he sends me on a spinning whirlwind and im back to not knowing a thing. I dont think there is someone else, he's shown me his messages, DM's etc to kinda, prove to me that its not about someone else. But that doesnt mean it still hasnt crossed my mind. I've known him for 7+ years, only romantically involved somewhat of almost 2.5 - when he doesnt want to be with someone or just around them in general there is an entire cut out of existence that he does. You no longer exist on this earth to him. & he hasnt done that to me, hes kinda tried (deleting me off social media and our photos and stuff) but i dont think it worked long enough being as he kept coming back to me.

The christmas part wasnt very nice on his end, & he knows that hence his texts about being sorry he couldnt be there and etc. But what would you suggest about new years? Just let it go? I feel as though i'd be really upset if he did not want to spend it with me but then the other part of me is telling me thats an expectation i have that may not be something he can provide, thus leading me up to disappointment.
Maybe he feels that if he invited me to christmas, or spends new years with me than we're more serious? making him vulnerable?

WOW i just do not know. I feel helpless

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you for that insight, and well all of the insight you have given. I like things to be explained an...

You are welcome. I hope things work out for you guys. You will need to take very good care of yourself to survive and thrive. Self care is really important.

 

[krisss]

I didn't see that post about the Christmas. That was tough. No wonder you are totally confused. I h...

Christmas was extremely tough. With his apologies and his "understanding" and then making it up to me by coming over at 9pm when Christmas was basically already over. I was very upset, but then it's like how can i when he made an effort to just come over?

Confusing. He's confusing, then confuses me and its a cycle. I'm not sure what he wants. Ugh.

Self care is hard, when all i want to do is "self care" him.

 

[mumstheword]

I am so confused. Sometimes i feel like i know what hes doing, I study it so I can better react to it, a...

To tell you the truth I've been with my guy for nearly 8 years now and this Christmas is the first Christmas I got to spend with him. Normal rules don't necessarily apply with us sufferers. Try not to take it personally. Frieda has a good thread called "What are they thinking?" I think it's called. In it the holiday struggles are discussed. It's very revealing about a lot of things. I just read a lot of it and I recommend reading it. It might help you understand and come to terms with this PTSD sufferer holiday madness. I think it might be in the supporters forum. Sorry I'm not more helpful. It's really late here, I should be trying to sleep.

 

[krisss]

To tell you the truth I've been with my guy for nearly 8 years now and this Christmas is the first...

I believe the "normal rules thing" - last year we spent it together, but then again last year he wasn't going through this withdrawal either so it makes sense. He even told me that he doesn't care about the holidays enough to where it would be significant to bring me, that only i am like that.

I;m going to look it up and read into it, anything at this point will help more than hurt.

I am so sorry to be keeping you up, and please do not apologize you have been more than helpful. You feel as one I could come to when I struggle, if you of course don't mind that.

 

[mumstheword]

I believe the "normal rules thing" - last year we spent it together, but then again last year he wasn't...

I don't mind that :-)' it's not you keeping me awake either. I'm just having a tough time of it it's 3.23 here and I haven't been able to get to sleep. It's symptomatic, nothing you have or could do to affect. If anything having this to focus on has helped me. I feel better for doing what I can to help you through. I'm happy to help, if I can :-).

 

[krisss]

I don't mind that :)' it's not you keeping me awake either. I'm just having a tough time of it it'...

Because you are a sufferer, is it always hard to sleep? I find my guy never sleeps, he can actually only have a somewhat good night sleep when hes with me, other wise he's up almost all night long.

I'm glad that in a way we're helping each other. I did not even realize you were in a different country, it's only 11:30am here.

& trust me, you are helping.