Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

[Freida]

Hes an asshole. You can do better.

 

[Teasel]

If he successfully keeps you confused does he successfully keep you hanging on trying to figure him out even though he treats you badly?

I've spent years trting to figure out my abusive partner. I must admit to not giving a f*ck about understanding him anymore but it took a ridiculous amount of pain for me to get to that point.
Best to you I know it's difficult to unhook yourself from this sort of thing especially when you are a nice person who wants to understand whats going on.

Look up a book called the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. Someone here suggested it to me and it really helped me understand that he was operating under a different dynamic to me.

 

[LuckiLee]

I actually question his diagnosis of PTSD. Are you sure he has it? Just because he was deployed doesn't mean he actually suffers from the disorder.

I feel his actions are more to do with immaturity. When a sufferer cuts off a relationship it usually sticks.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m just so confused.

A friend of mine reminds me, "sometimes it's a good thing to not understand unhealthy behavior, because it means you are healthy."

 

[Sweetpea76]

f*ck what he's SAYING. Look at what he's DOING.

Bullshit talks and reality walks.

 

[krisss]

you guys are all right and deep down i know that. i really honestly and truly do. i’m just so heartbroken.

i know i need to keep my mind occupied and busy and stuff i’m just so damn hurt. how can he play this game with me? treat me like i’m disposable and some puppet. & why have i been so allowing?

his actions have definitely spoken louder than any of his words have.
he’s going to really miss me and it’s going to really smack him in the face.

 

[Beinghonest]

As someone with complex PTSD and as someone who has also gone through my share of abuse, I feel confident saying that you know what you need to do. Relationships are based on respect. You need to be able to respect yourself. He will respect you when you demonstrate taking control of your own life for yourself. That doesn't mean that you should be together now or ever but it means that you might be able to look each other in the eyes one day if you do what you need to now. Find your strength. Stay away. Be compassionate with yourself. Maybe the idea of being together is awesome but the reality is hell. You are living in reality, so take the higher road and walk away out of friendship. Good luck.

 

[Mbeds34]

Im going through the exact same thing. The only difference is Im on the opposite sidel. Ive even said and done the exact things youve talked about. The only advice i can give is you have to ease your way in there and start as friends. its very hard to trust again and its just scary to get close to someone. help him maybe with drs appointments, maybe reminders for stuff to do without pushing is something i like cause ill get stuck in my head sometimes and not move all day and forget everything. Id say stay friends and work through the ptsd issues together show him youre not going to run off if its something you really want to do. If he says hes not ready just give him time.

 

[krisss]

Im going through the exact same thing. The only difference is Im on the opposite sidel. Ive even said...

How do you think i’m supposed to ease my way back in as friends? he has told me he wanted to be alone and then goes back and forth. you said you do this right? what’s your purpose for it? why do you do it?

i feel like a fcking idiot for still even asking these kind of questions but it’s just the type of person i am. AND i’m currently going through a time where i just want to talk to him

As someone with complex PTSD and as someone who has also gone through my share of abuse, I feel con...

i’m trying so damn hard to stay away.

it’s like being a child and being told no, it only makes you want it more.

 

[Freida]

i feel like a fcking idiot for still even asking these kind of questions but it’s just the type of person i am. AND i’m currently going through a time where i just want to talk to him

your not being an idiot -- the only way to learn is to ask questions. But the answers you get are not going to change no matter how you phrase the question.

Why is he treating you like this? Might be ptsd or he might just be an ass.
Your question should be "why am I allowing anyone to treat me like this ptsd or not"

Why do people with ptsd do the things they do? Because they have PTSD. It's just how it works. irrational behavior is a huge part of it and that doesn't change
Your question should be "can I live my life never entirely knowing what my boyfriend/husband is going to do next?"

Will he come back and be the perfect boyfriend? or even a normal one? NO. PERIOD. NO and NO and NO
Your question should be "can I live my life never having a normal relationship and always looking for answers that don't exist?"

Is there help out there for him? Yep -but he doesn't want to use it because it is hard work
Your question should be "why am I allowing this man who refuses to get help to destroy my life?"

This isn't about him and his behavior
It's about you making excuses for his behavior

 

[LuckiLee]

The best advice I've ever seen here was from @shimmerz.... Never put more energy into someone's health then the put in themselves. Untreated PTSD is hell for all concerned.

Put this energy into yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

As a sufferer, I’m not so sure I agree with the try to still be friends approach in this situation. (This just goes to show that there is a wide range for both supporters and sufferers.) I’ve been on both sides actually.

I think being friends will just wreck your heart and perhaps lead him on to think that this kind of behavior is ok. It was working for him well enough to not change anything.

Plus, you were doing the friends thing already.

I’ve isolated and shut down with people, for clear reasons that have nothing to do with the person. I just couldn’t do it. I can’t change that I have PTSD, but I can control how I handle my symptoms and how I communicate with others when I need space.

I don’t turn dangle commitment over others when I want to get my way. I don’t sleep in my car next to someone else, becoming a mini stalker. I don’t expect supporters to read my mind. I don’t manipulate my supporters. I don’t choose partying and drinking all night over any real at all time with a partner. Those behaviors may be related to his PTSD, but they are not PTSD itself... and PTSD is not a free pass to be a jerk.

Even if it was, the health and wellbeing of the supporter does matter.

In fact, if I’m being a jerk to a supporter, it’s not healthy for them OR me for them to give me a free pass. Patience and understanding? Sure. Space when needed? Yep. Respect for boundaries? Of course. Being a friend who is still there for me after I need some time and space apart? Yeah, if they can be.

Making themselves unhappy and miserable all the time just to “support” me? No. This how it is for me: I’m not a charity case. I don’t need anyone to die on their sword for my recovery. I need people to be real and engage in two way relationships with me through my recovery.