What do you want in a marriage? I mean, what choices do you expect your ideal spouse will make on a daily basis? What work ethic will he have? What degree of communication will fulfill you? What kind of life do you hope to build together? What lengths are you willing to go to ensure the tranquility, safety, emotional stability, financial stability, and health of your marriage and children if you decide to have them? Do you want children? How will you ensure their mental and emotional well-being when PTSD has reared its ugly head and created mental chaos in their parent? How will you ensure your own mental and emotional stability?
I ask all these questions of you. You may choose to ask them of him as well, in order to get an idea of what he is prepared for, what he is looking for, and what he expects of himself... and you.
PTSD is a mental disorder. IMHO, he will never be normal. As an example, I submit that he will always need to pull back and catch his breath long before you think he should have to. At the best of times, when he's managing his PTSD symptoms well, you will feel like he's finally got a handle on the illness... and then the symptoms (inside) will change and he will struggle to maintain his exterior while he's scrambling to get a hold on those new wrenches that PTSD has thrown in his mental cogs... but, he will unravel externally before he will get a handle on the new internal chaos. You will be disappointed. Showing your disappointment will add time to his recovery, and you will resent that you cannot show your disappointment which will create it's own mental problems for you.
So, I ask you... are you willing to see a therapist when you are feeling like you need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through? Are you willing to see a therapist to help you deal with what PTSD will do to your relationship, to your children? Are you willing to see a therapist to help you learn proper boundaries, and to be responsible for communicating them with firm compassion, without building up resentment?
Understanding and maintaining good boundaries in your relationship will help you to assess if the current issue in the relationship is due to PTSD or due to him crossing your boundaries. So, get a good understanding of what your boundaries are, and don't try to squeeze him into them... but, look to see if he fits for the most part and if you're willing to accept the parts where he falls outside of them. Do you see what I mean? There is only so much that can be changed in therapy and recovery... and not all the issues in your relationship are going to be due to the PTSD.
Since you are asking for questions to help you establish whether or not this is a good relationship for you or not... you may get better results from seeking the advice of a trained professional who would listen to your circumstances and help you establish your own objectives first... then, decide if he fits in them.
Find a good husband. That's all I want for you. A good husband can have PTSD. But, ask yourself some soul searching questions about what you really want in a spouse first. Then consider what choices he has made throughout your relationship, because the past choices are a great predictor of future ones. And, be compassionate. He has admitted that he has a mental illness. You don't have to continue a relationship with him if you're not up for it. It would be better if you honestly told him that you couldn't live like this and left than if you gave him ultimatums to live up to... and fall short of... and beg for another chance... etc.
Good luck to you. I wish you all the best!
