What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

[caliaviator]

How ever your grandmother suffered at the hands of your grandfather. She is no longer having to endure any of it. You don't have to mourn her loss as such that way. More relief that she is now away from it all.

Does that make sense.

Amethist

It does, and thanks for the comfort. I was going to see her 6 days from now, and it was to be my last time. The last time I talked to her was in 2003, and a great deal has happened to me since then. At least she remembers me for who I was than who I am today. It would of devastated her to know what happened to me and that I'm not the same person I was right out of high school. Yeah she's free from that bastard who beat me with board because I couldn't finish what was on my plate, or blamed me for every bad thing that happened, and hated me because of my dad. I was never told the funeral arrangements, so there is a strong possibility I can't go. My cousin, like me, is also the black sheep along with me, so maybe me and her can mourn together in our own way when we weren't able to do it with the rest of the family.

 

[KP the nut]

I have so much I want to do, but just can't summon the energy to get started.
I feel I want to retreat to a log cabin (one without spiders). It will overlook a lake and have wildfowl. I want to curl up in a long old fashioned comfy nightdress, read my book and drink raspberry tea.
I want to be completely alone, with no-one expecting anything of me.

 

[amethist]

Oh KP my kind of heaven too right now.

Can I have the log cabin at the other side of the lake. I will bring my own book and pomegranate tea. :)

 

[The Albatross]

I feel pain free, almost (only a 2)... Yippee!
I feel some stress about a picnic for my father in laws company where our family will be attending (social anxiety and apprehension).
I feel conflicted about going back to a Pool Operator position (with summer coming and I've had heat stroke twice), but it's a $3.50 raise and it will be a physical challenge as well as some additional income... which is much needed.
I feel glad that my husband's business trip was canceled for this month, he is too.
I feel confused about a new symptom... checked my ears, no infection, checked my teeth, no infection... wtf?
I feel that I was better than okay yesterday, though not exactly happy. I'll take it.

 

[Nighthawk]

I feel like I have been put in a blender. Crushed and mixed up in so many ways

NH

 

[AngelaMarie]

I am feeling confused.
I am feeling not worthy.
I am feeling ugly.
I feel like my heart is breaking.

Today for the first time in months I took photos of myself. When I looked at those photos I saw my bio-mom. I look so much like her. I got rid of her photos a few years ago. I can't get rid of my face. When I look at myself in a photo I do not see me. I only see her. I know I need to understand I am not her. I love my children. I would never beat them, starve them, leave them alone while I went to bars, and then leave them. Then why do I feel so bad???:cry::cry:

 

[Philippa]

I am feeling confused.
I am feeling not worthy.
I am feeling ugly.
I feel like my heart is breaking.

Today for the first time in months I took photos of myself. When I looked at those photos I saw my bio-mom. I look so much like her. I got rid of her photos a few years ago. I can't get rid of my face. When I look at myself in a photo I do not see me. I only see her. I know I need to understand I am not her. I love my children. I would never beat them, starve them, leave them alone while I went to bars, and then leave them. Then why do I feel so bad???:cry::cry:

Maybe you're afraid of turning into her?
I think this is something we all are scared of at some point. People who have been abused, which is pretty much everyone on the planet in some form or another, are extra aware of any hint of being like their abuser. You can't help that you look like her. Sending you some soothing vibes. Hope you feel better soon AngelaMarie.

 

[Lionheart]

I feel lonely, I have missed being a part of this forum, (for the past several months). I feel bored and frustrated from self isolation....so I am back to posting and hopefully reconnecting with old friends and making some new ones.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Maybe you're afraid of turning into her?
I think this is something we all are scared of at some point. People who have been abused, which is pretty much everyone on the planet in some form or another, are extra aware of any hint of being like their abuser. You can't help that you look like her. Sending you some soothing vibes. Hope you feel better soon AngelaMarie.

When I look at myself I know I am not like her. However, looking at that face reminds me of where I came from and how horrible I feel that she is apart of me. I am a good mother. My boys are my best friends. I do not understand why this hurts so much.

Thanks so much for your support!

 

[Tosh]

I feel like I want to busy myself to the point of not having to think about my feelings. I have been racing the last couple of days so I don't have to think about anything. Today I will try to slow down.....I feel like my meds are not working as well anymore, blah, depression and anxiety and worsening, I feel off balance

 

[KP the nut]

What do I feel............

I don't know anymore.

 

[Iam]

When I look at myself I know I am not like her. However, looking at that face reminds me of where I came from and how horrible I feel that she is apart of me. I I do not understand why this hurts so much.

I understand totally AM. I was abused by both mother and father and yet my mother's abuse is the hardest to handle. Why? I think for two reasons....One is that I am so damned afraid of being like her (which I am not, but it is still a fear I have). The other is that most of us feel our mothers, even more than our fathers, should be nurturing, loving and value us above all no matter what. We still have that view or it wouldn't still hurt so much. It is hard to value and love ourselves when our mother doesn't.

I actually stop communicating with my mother for 10 years and only started a relationship with her again a few years ago. Accepting that my mom is abusive is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It still hurts when she attacks me (or anyone really because she is so vicious when she does.) At other times she is loving, intelligent and fun to be around. I've found that somewhere deep inside I still hope that she won't do it again. My T keeps telling me to give up that hope and just enjoy the times as a bonus when she is nice. When I am able to separate myself emotionally from her attacks and not take them personally. I actually feel compassion for her axis II personality disorder. It really is sad for her and all of us close to her.

I don't know if any of that makes sense and is of any help. Hang in there AM and (((HUGS)))