Many things. A little fear. A bit of hurt and victim. A bit excited. A bit funny (comedian), a little anger, a little shame. Ahhh, when I said shame, I reacted. Of all the good.....the shame is the key
Yes @brat17 , I was going to say, excluded; useless; worthless, forgotten. Or maybe of-no-consequence?. But shame because of it? That is true, in a very big way. Whatever the feeling is called of, I-suppose I-shouldn't-be-surprised, I should have recognized it from the start. So I guess foolish, too much hope/ attempts at worth I shouldn't have blindly trusted in, should have been more- aware/ realistic? Which also feels like heavy shame and vulnerability, nakedness amidst strangers.
I feel good. Just a little bored. Going to work out tonight. Psyche doc put me on Gabapentin a couple of weeks ago and that really helps my mood. Gaba is what I took for 4 years before my neck surgery but I don't take that high of dose now.
Emotional flashback hung-over.
A little frustrated, had plans to do a lot, but, them's the breaks.
Mostly emotionally content, tho, I have an awesome partner who has supported me through yesterday's horrid flashback and, well, for the last, nearly, eleven years; had awesome sex last night so that helped.
A little sad. A little tired, a little stessed, but, mostly, good.
Never feel shame for being played. I just had to come clean on one. My husband and I were trying to work it out after 10 yrs of separation, He used my car and left lights on. The next day, got pissed and left in a hot minute. I asked neighbor to jump me. He did. I was in distress (clearly). Left me with no money or cigarettes. Neighbor brought over beer and ran me a bath. Reluctantly I got in bath with beer. He came in. I got out. He kissed me so hard I could not talk, when I could I told him NO. He continued to ignore my NO. There was no intercourse, but eventually I am sure he we afraid because I reacted like a maniac and told him to GTF out of here...and he did. That was 5 yrs ago. He tried to do similar this Christmas. Why do I feel guilt. I told me husband and he is really angry with this neighbor. However, if not for his shitty behavior, I would not be left in this position, asking for a damn jump. Its really about my loss of power. Oh, my husband is outraged and that makes me angrier. He is the one who was hot headed and left....owning all the money. Yes, I let it get to this. Well treat your wife right and this wouldn't happen would it. Im not blaming him totally either, but he knows how many men are just plain DOGS. My sister had just died and there were many other negative things going on. Same neighbors invited us for Christmas and I had to make excuse. 2 months later, attempted suicice. I can never talk about it at the time...but later I can...sometimes years. I would have never talked about this except he tried same thing this Christmas and I didn't freeze for a minute. I got the hell away. I never thought I would say this, but victims develop a mentality, and I know I did. Coming forth changes things for everyone. I hate that.
@brat17 , I don't have the words today but I thank you for sharing what I know is so personal, so heart-wrenching, and is so difficult, so private and so honest. Yes I do know what you mean, and I do agree. Decisions are not made in a vacuum, there is context, there is mindset, there was grief and need. I get angry after the fact at myself more than others, and that is not useful either, but I do understand. Thank you very much.
I feel really awake and aware. It's a new feeling. I'm being weened off olanzapine and have been taking Aripiprazole. Both anti psychotic meds. I'm really bored and lonely though. Haven't played music for ages which is part of the problem.