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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

Dear Sheila,

Your post really touched me so I have written some responses. If this was just a vent and you needed to get stuff off your chest then please ignore the below. Just take the care and concern that went into writing the post as my kindness for you. Please note that I am at a low point of social contact in my own life which possibly influences my concern for you.
Thanks Ms Spock, you have made some good responses to my vent. I guess all this rage of mine happened BEFORE I joined this place, so I did not have this option then (as I do now). I joined here in the last month, but that all happened maybe 4-6 months ago. Things have slowly improved with my family, but things could be much better (for instance, they refuse to visit because I "live to far away...") but they have no qualms of visiting folks that live halfway here from where they live. I pointed out that a 2 day drive could accomplish their arrival here, or a plane ticket would be nice (for me), but they cannot afford either, so they claim, but they have all kinds of $$$ for all sorts of other expensive things.

I do get a little social contact, by going shopping or going to MacDonald's for a senior coffee. Sometimes I Thrift store shop, because I am on SS Disability and cannot afford more. (I also go to therapy group every week and my therapist 2 times a month). Problem is, my house is FULL of STUFF. 25 cents here, 50 cents there all adds up to a house full of clutter... I really should start to donate stuff, but I find it hard to part with. I lost everything I owned several times, each time I lost a dwelling or went through a foreclosure.
 
I'm feeling detatched. Very detached. Nothing seems real right now. I talked about one of my traumas on a thread in the past few days. It didn't bother me then. It's hitting me now though. I'm reliving it over and over and over again. Blow by blow. At times it's like watching a movie reel. That it's not really me. Then there are moments where I'm sharp back in the memory.

I'm trying to ground myself. I'm going through my night rituals but it's not helping I just did it robotically. I'm watching the Walking Dead's "Talking Dead" after show chat but that's not helping either.

So detatched. Empty. Blank.
 
Feelings that I have on a daily or constant....
Sad ( comes and goes, today is because i went to my grandfather's funeral)
Angry ( comes and goes,usually at past church high ups and or teachers)
Lonely (a constant and sometimes overpowering emotion usually because of the inability to connect to people or enjoy the interaction)
Depressed (goes along with being lonely and usually stemming from the despair of life never getting better)
Nervous (Is somewhat constant usually comes on the most in large crowds)
Nothing I.e. emotionally withdrawn (mechanism used to suppress flight or fight reflexes)
 
Gosh the suicidal ideation is bad today. I feel overwhelmed. It feels like all too much.

I feel pretty crappy today. I feel like dying. Of course I won't but it feels bad.
Ms Spock, I feel for you! When I get such ideations, if I cannot shake them within abut 20 mins, I call 911. I never take the chance that I might try a second time. Then again, I also remind myself of what it felt like to wake up in that hospital and know that I had not "made it." THen again, the worst was how everyone treated me! The nurse when I first awoke came in shortly after then and told me how pretty I was, but also was MAD AT ME! She asked me why on earth would I go and do a thing like that!?! Then too, I hated being locked in there in that hospital. Later, I found that I'd been "out cold" for almost 2 weeks! I'd almost not made it through alive. By that time I was feeling pretty much like a heel.

And last but not least, I felt bad later when I met Jesus a year later that I'd done such a thing as to try to destroy the life He'd given me. It frightens me to think that I might have died never having known Him! Now I try to read my Bible every day.
 

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