I'm triggered again because that b*stard ex H of mine who I am separated from refused to leave the house when I told him to get out of my house, even after I told him I would call the police if he did not leave he refused to go and told me it was not my house as he was still paying the mortgage and if I wanted to go down that route I could but it would cause everyone (meaning my kids) a lot of pain. And he did this in front of my 9 year old son and 4 year old daughter .
Straight back to remembering the times he abused me emotionally and physically and then I was telling him to get out and he would refuse to get out and tell me I had to get out. The times he punched me and tried to strangle me and dragged me by the hair and shouted in my face and told me how useless I was and threatened self harm and punched holes in walls and emotionally manipulated and controlled me and drove dangerously with the kids screaming in the back of the car. That is the man I stayed with for 24 years.
I start thinking how alone I am and how I would so like to have someone to look after me, a man but a nice one, someone who actually loves me for who I am, someone who I am not afraid of and always trying to please because it is never good enough. Someone who cares about my dreams too. But I cannot think that. I know I will never have that. I know it is too late and no-one will ever love me that way, my parents never did, my ex H never did. I can't trust or love anyone. All the examples I have of so called love were wrong. I don't even believe it exists. So that is why I ended up with a bastard like him.
What I needed was a dad to love and care for me and show me what it is like to be loved, but I never had that. I yearn for that. Instead I ended up with an abusive, pig.
It is too late. I just feel like my whole life has been wasted on horrible people and I was turned into a nothing and I will always be a nothing. A nothing is someone who cannot be loved. And without love you are just a ghost. I am just a ghost on this earth, alone and pathetic and I have no place to go and no way of being human and no human can love me because I am not really here. I just feel lost.
