What Can I Do For My Younger Sibling?

[Deleted member 1860]

The thing is that she's a minor. 99% of kids think that whatever situation they're in is "normal". Ok maybe an exaggeration, but not by much. How many people here on the forums have said "I didn't know it was wrong because that's just how it was as a kid and it was accepted". Your sister is a minor and as such doesn't know the full spectrum of what is right and what is wrong. I've had physical, sexual, and emotional abuse (at the hands of 3 different people). The abuse where no hand was laid upon me is by far the hardest to heal from. I agree in that she needs adult intervention. A lot of kids will say "it's not that bad" or "others have it worse" simply because they don't want to make their parents mad. Please don't give up on her.

 

[ladybug88]

I will never give up one her :)

Thank you all for your advice it has really encouraged me to keep going forward. My husband will be getting a fantastic job in a couple of months due to all of his hard work in school. In July our lease will be up on a one bedroom and we will be getting a two bedroom. I think for the next couple of months I will continue being a shoulder for her to lean on and as soon as we have a two bedroom I will pursue it legally. We want to have the finances to buy her a car, a nice bed, and a working computer. It will come in time but the room is necessary before we can win anything legally. It wouldn't look good to a judge to send her from an abusive home where she has her own room...to the couch of her older married sister.

I think I really do need to tell her some of the benefits. In the future we want to take her to theme parks, vacations, and take trips around town. We look forward to buying her clothes from the mall ( she only ever wears my hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes) and she hasn't had new clothes in over a year, we want to get her good healthy food, and really make sure she can see her friends when she wants to.. even have sleep overs with pop corn and movies at our place! Shes never has that at home! I didn't either! My husband had to go through my clothes after we had been dating for some time, and explain why the shirt that has three holes in it isn't okay to wear in public, or how the skirt that I loved that was three sizes to big wasn't something I should continuing wearing...he helped me see a lot of what is wrong without disliking my family, he thought it was my choice to wear the clothes I did. Ross was never even an option. I know it's not abuse but it sucks feeling like all of your friends look down on you and talk about how your clothes could use some help.

Anyways I think I will compile a list of things we want to provide her and when the time comes where we are looking at two bedroom apartments...maybe I should take her with us? Tell her that we could really use some help picking out a good one? Or do any of you think it would be better to try to get her on board before we even start looking?

Again thank you for all of your help, support, and advice. It has really been helping me to think through all of this in a new light :)

 

[Echo]

I wish there was an adult family member, say, who, on the basis of the FB photos, say, could intervene and tell your parents that their behaviour is harmful and inappropriate. Is there anyone you can confide in without yet going legal until you are ready who might be able to help protect your sister right now? It would mean so much if someone else stood up for you and your sister. Having people stand by, gossip, but do nothing is very damaging. This lack of support and perspective contributes to the later onset of PTSD and feelings of helplessness. It takes years to fully comprehend just what was missing in our family set-ups, what is not normal and what damage has been done. You sound like a wonderful woman and I feel you and your husband could also do with some moral support.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I really do need to tell her some of the benefits. In the future we want to take her to theme parks, vacations, and take trips around town. We look forward to buying her clothes from the mall ( she only ever wears my hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes) and she hasn't had new clothes in over a year, we want to get her good healthy food, and really make sure she can see her friends when she wants to.. even have sleep overs with pop corn and movies at our place! Shes never has that at home! I didn't either!

With all due respect this is a rather inconsequential view. Safety, stability, consistency of character, structure, love, respect, communication, kindness.... these are all more esteemable and beneficial in the development in a teen than what things or activities you can provide. Trust me I know this first hand as my father did this to my brother to his detriment.

Anyways I think I will compile a list of things we want to provide her and when the time comes where we are looking at two bedroom apartments...maybe I should take her with us? Tell her that we could really use some help picking out a good one? Or do any of you think it would be better to try to get her on board before we even start looking?

Candidly, I think rather than compile a list of "things you want to provide" at some poiint in the future, I think I'd have a discussion with my partner about what you can provide in the way of intervention in a decisive and direct way, right now. Or not.

I was not able to remove my brother from my father's home. Instead, at 18, for his high school graduation he received a set of luggage and a one way plane ticket to me. I don't think he's ever gotten over it. In our case, it was done so my dad could force the sale of our home and he could discontinue child support as I was already 18.

I concur with others who suggest an outside agency be contacted to evaluate the home.

 

[ladybug88]

I wrote out a short list on the forum here just as "fun" things we could provide. Ultimately the reason for wanting her is to provide her a household that wants her, respects her, and listens to her. She deserves to feel important yet guided in her own decisions and we are working on where to start as of this morning. Her feeling loved, respected, and safe has been at the heart of our decisions. We don't know if we should wait until this summer when he obtains his BA and starts working so that the court sees we are financially stable; or start the process now with an attorney so they can collect the evidence they need to build a case.

 

[somuchpain]

There is a post above (apparently 1:42 am yesterday) that appears to be from me. I have no knowledge of it. But my phone did require a rather complete reprogramming this past morning. Just a statement in my defense.

 

[Nicolette]

Noted thank you @somuchpain :)

 

[somuchpain]

I would at least be discussing the case with a couple attorneys at this point. Take advantage of free consultations to help you choose who you like and relate well with, what to expect during proceedings, if your present concerns are really appropriate and whatever other concerns you or the attorneys have. The time frame may be such that you are already well behind where you should be.

 

[ladybug88]

My husband doesn't want to take her unless she wants to leave but he doesn't understand what and abused victim goes through with her abuser. Until she hits a certain point in her life where she becomes independent she feels that she has to rely on them for everything, even fulfilling her sense of self because she hasn't been permitted to establish her own.

A couple of days ago she was over at my house and got sick. She threw up in the toilet and accidentally overflowed/clogged it with toilet paper. The thing is really sensitive for some reason, it's happened to me several times...anyway...she didn't let me know. She immediately tried to clean it up without calling me over and when I finally realized what was going on I asked to come in to help. She was standing in the middle of the bathroom shaking. When I grabbed and extra towel to help clean up I told her to stand in the bathtub to clean her feet while I mopped and asked her if she was okay. She had the exact same look on her face that I get when I am stuck in a memory. She kept thanking me for not getting mad at her and not understanding why I was laughing it off. She was beating herself up saying she knew she was going to screw something up at my house and that this was a major thing to mess up. She hadn't caused any damage and I was totally fine with it, I was more concerned that she threw up.

After she got herself cleaned up she left the bathroom and was so dizzy she fell to the floor. I helped her go to the couch and she explained that a couple months ago she was taking a shower when she realized the plastic curtain lining had gotten stuck to the inside of the tub so the shower water had been splashing onto the bathroom floor at home. She said once she noticed she hopped out and started to clean it. Apparently some of the water had leaked into the laundry room and when she asked her father for help he screamed at her for causing hundreds of dollars worth of water damage. He called her names and wouldn't stop yelling. It turned out that nothing had been damaged at all but he didn't admit to it.

As she was telling me this her whole body was shaking and she couldn't take her eyes off the wall, I had her sitting on the sofa and did a grounding exercise until she felt calm. As soon as we stabilized her breathing she had an overflow of tears and couldn't tell why she was crying. I feel so heavy in my heart for her. She is already showing some of the signs that I did with my PTSD before it was diagnosed. She doesn't want to leave her house because they twist their situation around to look like they need her yet tell her to her face they don't want her there. She thinks she needs to protect my mother and my brother and I don't know what to do. I emailed a brief overview to an attorney and I hope she will get back to me but I don't know how these things would hold up in court. I just want her to get the help she needs before a trigger really permanently enforces the PTSD that they are causing.

 

[The Albatross]

Good thinking on going through a grounding exercise with your sister. Hope you get a sound consultation with the attorney.

 

[somuchpain]

I tried to delete a previous post. I apologize for my misunderstanding.